I actually have not got Michelle´s book yet, it should arrive any day now. I have however red tons of other books of MR and individual growth. Only positive thing in this crisis is that IF we get our R work, it will be significantly better but if not, I will be better man for myself and any other potential R in the future - even if the learning path have gone through hell.
It sounds like of all the things you read that you were kind of naturally drawn to the DB approach so I think you'll find the book very helpful. You are definitely on the right track, make yourself the "spouse only a fool would leave" and that is your best chance of a recon, but eventually in that process you will get to the point where you realize you are going to thrive whether you recon or not.
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This type of MC was actually my W idea - she said that she wants us to separate and start emotionally focused therapy, since that´s the area we have had issues. Of course I has crossed my mind that it was just one way for her to give me hope and pave mentally easier way out...
Gotcha. In that case it's fine to go, just don't have any expectations that it will help your sitch. A lot of times WAS's only suggest things like that so they can cross it off their "list of things I did to try everything to fix it but that only proved the M really is over". They go into it with the mindset that they are just looking for reasons/excuses to prove the M is done. And unfortunately most counselors are just divorce facilitators, so it's pretty easy for a WAS to find what they're looking for there.
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I get this unfortunately, and it´s The most difficult thing to know in my life. I have always been very committed to M and so I thouhgt of my W. She gets hurt if I even have suspected anything with OM, saying I "I feel so bad that you can even think anything like that"... But that´s how the story usually goes I guess.
It really is. A lot of them will engage in all kinds of nefarious behavior but then act all hurt and disappointed that you would actually think they are engaging in it. It's crazy but often the spouses we thought we knew so well turn into lying cheaters that barely even resemble who we knew. They will look you in the eye and pour out lies and turn it around to make YOU feel guilty for accusing them. It's amazing.
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Because W did not want to. She said that she don´t feel emotionally connected with me. She also had a lot of resentment which pushed her far.
That's WAS logic for you. "I don't feel connected to you so I don't want to do things that might make me start feeling connected to you again."
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BUT, feels very odd that W would be up to playing w toys now with OM when all she wanted from me was being emotionally available and physically near when ML...
One of the books I read talked about this phenomenon, how shocking it is for many LBH's when they snoop/ spy and find out that their W that hasn't wanted to have sex with them for years and were pretty plain-vanilla in bed even before that are suddenly behaving like they're trying out for a part in Fifty Shades. But the bottom line is all of this is she doesn't see YOU that way anymore, so you've got to go about making yourself into a guy that she DOES see like that again. Detach, GAL, become strong and independent, revamp your wardrobe, get in shape if you need to, etc.
