One of her "knocks" on me leading up to BD and then in the immediate aftermath, and, indeed, for several years, was that she was doing all the work and all the parenting, and that she was the "bad guy" with the kids.
My exact words!
Quote:
I mean, her relationship getting that way with them obviously was in some respects driven by my own deficiencies and neglect, but, whatever, it just kind of panned out that way-- perfect storm I suppose.
My H wasn't abseent, he just would not step up and help with the parenting. It had a big affect on me. He had been great when they were babies, but as they were growing up, he did not help me with the discipline side and teaching the kids to be accountable/responsible. Even when our child was diagnosed with diabetes, he never tried to learn anything about the disease.......or even how to give a shot of insulin. It was all on me, and I resented it. When the teenage rebellion hit, I was the one who applied tough love.
If there are two parents in the home, then they need to be a team. Sometimes I wondered if it would be as difficult as a single mother trying to parent, than having a H who acted as if he was just along for the ride and never took the wheel. It made me feel like I had to be more strict, to make up the difference in his softness. It hurts to think back on some of the times I had to be hard on them, but they grew up to be wonderful adults and everyone speaks highly of them. Would they have done the same if I had been as soft as my H? Well, I obviously didn't think so, especially through the rebellious teenage years. The one with diabetes gave me a run for my money. I definitely felt the weight. I was probably a cranky shrew, too, b/c I was exhausted and angry.
So, maybe I can empathize with your W, having a child with special needs.....and not getting as much support as she wanted. She must have felt as if they were twins, being born so close together! Thank God you have your eyes wide open.
So, changing gears here, maybe you can find a pair of silk pajamas in the shade of blue like she wore on the study night. Have you ever shared with her your thoughts about that night? If not, save it until she opens the new ones. I would have given nearly anything to hear my H talk about some of his thoughts about me during our pre-dating times. It may really turn her on to hear that story. Who knows?
About getting more ideas, you can google it. IDK, if you'll get what you are wanting.....but it's worth a shot.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
