[BluWave]

Ms Sarah,

I don't post here much anymore, but I still visit my people around here, and I just happened to read your post. I cannot not reply because it hits too close to home! If you know me at all, I am going to spit some truth and it may be hard to read, and you may not like it, but I am going to tell you some things that I wish I could go back and tell my old self before my situation got BAD. Very BAD.

A little background; I am married to a (now recovering) Mr Nice Guy. If you don't know what that means, read about them. Wolf in sheep's clothing is how some put it. About 8 years ago, it came to light that a female coworker was paying him a lot of attention. He was her superior and he had very poor boundaries. She would tell him her problems, ask him for support/help about work and nonwork, and she would even text him outside of work. She tried very hard. She didn't get very far because he wasn't even interested.

We still argued about her though. A lot. He didn't seem to understand that his responsibility was to create boundaries with her. And he didn't do that for several years. She could do/say whatever she wanted, but as a married man, it was his responsibility to say, "I am not comfortable talking about this now," or "please only text me about work related things during work hours," ect. Now, years later, he can see 100% what the problem was and that HE ALLOWED it. I tried in every way I knew how, for years, to get him to see this, and he did not.

So this was my first red flag that something was up with my marriage. And there were no lunches, flirty texts, or a fear of them having an A. Just my sense that he had poor boundaries with her and women in general. Forward a couple years later, and our M got hard, and life got hard, which results in another woman coming around. This time, it was someone we both knew well, and this time, he took the bait. They had an EA for a long while, we separated, and then they had a full on PA for 10 months. My life was turned upside down. Unlike many stories here, my H did come back and we did reconcile, and more years have passed (you can read my own threads if you are interested). So I am here to tell you what I think from that perspective.

Your H is having an affair, either an EA or PA, and if not now, he will most likely very soon. I am sorry. It's the worst pain ever! I know, I lived it for years. Unfortunately tho, you cannot "get him to see what he is doing." You cannot control him and what he does. This is the most important thing I am telling you: you cannot show him the light and you cannot control what he does. It's a very hard pill to swallow.

You can however control you and what you will allow. Boundaries are described as drawing a circle around YOURSELF (not them), and then you decide what you allow in your circle. I don't know any sane woman that would be okay with continuing a marriage, and living/sharing a bed, with a man that was disrespecting her in this way. Clearly you are not okay with it either. The most valuable lesson I have learned in the last several years is to trust my gut. So please, trust yourself over anyone.

So what do you do now? That is the part that only you can decide. What does your circle include? The part of your sitch that gave me pause was that you describe how much he did not like being separated. My hope for you is that him risking his M (and you) is not the price of admission he is willing to pay to continue his A with her. She is still perhaps an unknown.

If you want my advice, and I am telling you what I would do, knowing what I know now, I will tell you. And yes, I made a lot of mistakes! Please do not think that by taking a step back from him and the M that he will think you are okay with his A and you are allowing it. DBing does not feel intuitive, but those of us that have come out on the other side can now see that yes, it does work. The idea is that you are going to save yourself and your sanity first, and that you hope, he will realize your worth (as you realize your own worth) and then he decides he does not want to lose you.

So where do you start and what do you do?

1. Read all of Cadet's HW.
2. Read all of Sandi's rules and you follow all of them. If you mess up, shake it off, and start over the next morning.
3. Take a giant, huge step back from him, the M, asking about him and what he is doing, you ask NOTHING ABOUT HER, and you stay away from him and this toxic situation. For now. And if he tries to come at you, all you do is listen, listen, listen. If he wants to know why you are not engaging with him or answering, you only have one response. "Something just doesn't feel right for me. I have a lot to think about."

Will he be confused, or worried, or think you are pulling away? Maybe, hopefully, but really, that doesn't matter. If he is going to continue this A, he will do it anyway. You cannot stop him or save him. You can however save you and your sanity and remain the better option. This is a looonnnnnggggg and slllooowwww road. Stay with us.

Blu