Fighting my way out of the dark - Part 9

[Holding]

Starting a new thread.

Link to old thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2773856&page=1

Brief recap: BD in April 2017. Too many months of in-house separation that didn't go well for me or my detachment. W moved out in Jan 2018. Mediation successful in Jan 2018.

D "granted" in Feb 2018, but still pending final signing of decree by judge. The decree was supposed to be signed today but was delayed due to paperwork issues.

Looks like this may be my last thread in the Newcomers section.

[Holding]

A while ago I started a thread in the "Big D" section, and I posted this question that didn't seem to get any traction. Let's see how this goes over here:

I've got a blunt but sincere question: Do all females pull "$h1t tests"?

In a lot of my reading, I see these tests described as a universal female trait. I find that hard to believe, but then again I have a history of NGS, so I may be broken in that regard.

I'd love to get feedback on this from the females here, how often you've used them, and if it's a conscious effort or something that naturally arises from the situation without you realizing it.

[artista]

what exactly are you asking? what are $hit tests?

[Holding]

It's where a woman will do something (usually offensive or challenging) to specifically check a man's reaction and determine what his boundaries are. It's basically an artificial test of a man's masculinity.

For example, a woman might say something offensive to a man to see if he stands up for himself.

[Btrow]

Do all females pull "$h1t tests"?

I had to google it just to figure out what they were, so I had never heard of it before and also never experienced a woman pull such a stunt on me.

[artista]

i went online and read several examples... what a crock of $h!t indeed! who speaks that way? the examples i read sounded so immature, juvenile... reminded me a bit of when i tried to read The Fifty Shades of Grey... the dialogue was so lame, it took me three days to get to page 50... example: Annastasia, the main gal says, "never trust a man who can dance." haha! i could not understand how some people read the book in one sitting...

remember a few years ago when "The Pick-Up Artist" was all the rage? this master pick-up guru would teach men who had no game with women how to pick-up women using all these tactics... strategy... that's what the $h!t tests reminded me of...

honestly, i can see young silly women doing this... it's one thing to be witty and coy and even speak innuendo and double entendre should the opportunity present itself--organically... off the cuff--that shows intellect... however, to purposely speak these things--that's goofy...

mis dos centavos...

--artista

[Accuray]

...wonder how things would have been different if I'd taken a different approach. I don't know why I go there - it's pointless. I wonder if it's problem solving, or trying to find a way to examine my faults and improve.

The reason you keep going there is because you were traumatized and you can't put your finger on exactly what you did to deserve it. It was an effect without an obvious cause and humans don't like that. We like systems where if we push the lever, we get a pellet, or if we touch the wire we get a shock.

That way you know that if you don't want to get a shock, don't touch the wire.

In this case, your W cheated on you and decided she wanted out of the relationship. Where was the wire you touched so you can avoid ever touching it again?

When you look back you don't see exactly what caused it and that makes you fear not being able to avoid it in the future.

Totally normal and it will pass. The answer is to be a partner that only a fool would leave. If you can do that, you won't care if someone leaves because you won't feel any guilt or remorse about your own actions -- you were always true to yourself.

In terms of "fitness tests" women do not do that all the time. Everyone does it rarely, and some people do it more frequently than they should. It is a way to combat insecurity.

Everyone wants to be able to trust and rely upon their partner. If something happens that makes you doubt your partner, you might be tempted to test them to see if you're just being paranoid or if you really have a problem there.

Like everything else, it's on a spectrum.

I read an article once that said that people tend to partner with mates who have achieved more or less the same degree of self-actualization.

For instance, it would be rare to find a highly codependent person with a highly independent person, because the independent person would feel smothered and wouldn't tolerate the smothering behavior, and the codependent person would never feel safe.

If you have a woman in a relationship issuing constant fitness tests its probably because she has low self-esteem and is insecure. Chances are she's with a man with low self-esteem who is frequently going to fail the tests, and it's going to set up a self-reinforcing destructive cycle between them.

If the man "does the work" to start passing the fitness tests by building up his self-esteem one of two things will happen -- (1) either the woman will start feeling more secure herself and stop issuing them, or (2) she'll continue to issue fitness tests and the man won't accept it anymore and the relationship will end, because at that point their self-actualization is no longer matched.

Acc

[Holding]

Btrow, it's a good thing you've never experienced that. I look back on when I was dating XW, and I think she may have tried to pull a few on me.

Artista, thanks for your feedback. It does seem very immature to me. Would you say it's something you ever did when you were a WW?

Acc, thanks for another excellent peek into my mind.

I read an article once that said that people tend to partner with mates who have achieved more or less the same degree of self-actualization.

Ouch. I can now see how true that was for XW and me.

[Holding]

The date for the decree to be signed has been pushed back again. Now it's next Friday the 16th. Funny how XW was so eager to get this D and now she "seems" to be dragging her feet.

I saw XW on Thursday at S11's orchestra event. I spent about 30 minutes in her presence, which is the longest since she moved out back in December. Things went ok but were rather cold. She looked different. She even asked me if I noticed her new haircut, and I actually hadn't. She told me bye at the end.

Had a rough emotional moment this weekend, the first one in a long time. I think the D is finally catching up to me. But JoeJoe helped me through (thanks!) and I got on with my day, cutting the grass and cleaning out the garage. Then on Sunday I had a really good workout at the gym.

The first few moments after the kids leave always feel empty. I have to mentally change gears from dad mode to single guy mode. I feel bad for the poor guys. They're dealing with things ok I think, but I don't talk about XW when they're with me so I don't know how things are going over there when they're with her. It's like a parallel reality that I'm not involved in. I do wonder when they might be introduced to someone new in her life. Nothing I can do about that but get busy myself.

My weeks are filling up with things to do, and I usually don't spend much time at home by myself. Sometimes I can't even fit everything in during the week, which is a good problem to have.

I had a dream last night about meeting someone new and having this amazing kiss. I think my subconscious is telling me it's time to move on. My D has been granted, and I need to stop making excuses and start living my life.

[Accuray]

There's lots of life out there to live!