New LBS, not sure if he's having LMC

[Accuray]

Meg,

You're right that he doesn't know what he wants, and he's right that he's going to find fault with whatever you do. It's not a problem you can solve.

He's not happy, most men like to be problem solvers, so he's going to offer up suggestions for things for you to try but none of them are going to work.

Do you know what will get him back?

1) He has to fear losing you -- right now he does not. You're just there for the taking and doing the proverbial "holding onto his leg for dear life"

2) He has to see you as a person of value

3) He needs to believe that his problems are his own, not problems caused by you

So how do you create the fear of losing you, establish that you're a person of high value, and make him realize that you are not the root of his problems?

>> Go the other way and give him more space than he wants <<

Do not jump through even one of his hurdles. If you're "high value" you don't need to jump through his hurdles, you don't need to prove anything to him, he has to prove himself to you.

Make a life for yourself that establishes that you're having fun, doing what makes you happy, and are surrounded by friends who like and appreciate you.

You want him outside looking through the window at this wonderful life you've created.

Shift your mindset -- YOU are the prize to be won, what is he doing to win you?

There are two ways this is going to unfold:

1) It will continue to slowly erode until it ends in divorce

2) It will get worse and then it will get better.

Either way, it will get worse first. You need to grab the handlebars and say "enough". Don't let him know what you're thinking, make him wonder. Don't tell him where you're going or who you're going out with. Make him wonder. If he doesn't want to be your husband then that information is none of his business.

Will he get mad? Yes. Will that feel worse for you? Yes. Will it make things better longer term if you can keep it up? Yes.

I was helping a woman here a few years ago and her situation was similar. At one point, she stopped pursuing her husband and just went the other direction. He moved out expecting to live a party boy lifestyle but discovered instead that he was mainly just lonely.

He called her at one point and she was at a party. When she answered the phone there was music in the background and people were laughing and having a great time.

He asked her where she was. She said "At a party"

He asked who she was with and who was there. She said "I'm out with some friends, we're having a great time. I don't have time to talk right now, have a great night!" Then she hung up.

Within 48 hours he was back on her doorstep begging to move back home, and she told him "no".

If that sequence of events happened to your H, how do you think it would shift his mindset?

Logically you might think he would give up on the marriage, or it would push him further away, but in reality something like that unfolding:

1) Makes him feel out of control
2) Makes him question his assumptions about you
3) Makes him feel loss

When he feels those things, he will want to stop feeling them, and that's going to motivate him to seriously consider what he's doing.

It basically flips where the power is between you 180 degrees, and that's what you want.

In order to make this better you need to make it worse -- head the other way. Give him more space than he wants. Stop explaining yourself to him.

Acc