WW, A ended, but struggling to reconnect (My 11th)

[hoosjim]

Are you referring to your handling S18 that meant a lot, or him apologizing? ...

I said all of that to say your W probably appreciated you stepping up and dealing with the situation in a firm, but caring way.

When I typed it, I meant his apology and his hug but, now that you mention it, I am sure she appreciated the way I handled it...in fact even just that I did "handle it." One of her "knocks" on me leading up to BD and then in the immediate aftermath, and, indeed, for several years, was that she was doing all the work and all the parenting, and that she was the "bad guy" with the kids. As to the work, she is absolutely right... at least for the earlier years of our troubles. I was sick, in constant pain, probably borderline depressed. I just didn't "do" a lot. She did the lawn/yard work and anything else that required heavy lifting or exertion, and my "absence" somewhat extended to parenting the kids. Not that I just completely tuned out, but I was definitely more wishy-washy with them, and definitely more likely to be the one they went to for an exception or the like. Not sure how all that came about... it was a very gradual and incremental process, but by the time it reached it's nadir my W was (in my eyes) a cranky, shrewish, abrasive W who was too verbally sharp with the kids (And with me) and who felt the kids "hated her" and that she didn't have any kind of relationship with them. For my part, I felt that they didn't have a mother figure and that she was not being the nurturing influence/role that all kids need from a mom. Chicken and egg, I guess-- I mean, her relationship getting that way with them obviously was in some respects driven by my own deficiencies and neglect, but, whatever, it just kind of panned out that way-- perfect storm I suppose.

In the last, say, 2-3 years prior to BD, my health had improved markedly, I was again taking responsibility for the mowing, fixing, hauling, manly house tasks but... as far as the relationship dynamics the damage had already been done. It took BD to shake things up and get us to a place where we were assuming our proper roles in the family (she is now definitely much more the empathetic, nurturing Mom and I am definitely now "the heavy"... but in a just and caring and fatherly way) and to get us, eventually, to the point where we are now truly "partners" in raising the kids.

At any rate, I know she appreciates that in me now (she has told me so on more than one occasion) and also that she really values any warm interactions she has with the boys. S18, the one with tourettes, is very warm and demonstrative in general, always says "I love you mom", etc. The other one, S19, my college boy,not so much, at least yet. His relationship became very strained with his mother during HS-- he had some mild reading impediment and dyslexia-type stuff in addition to his OCD/anxiety disorder going on that made his studies a real challenge. All of that put a real strain on the relationship, and I don't think S19 (who also is not as demonstrative to begin with as S18) has gotten past that. I also more than half suspect that HE suspects that something was going on between my wife and OM.

why not buy her a beautiful nightgown and have it wrapped nicely? If things have not progressed far enough (if she's still not leaning into your shoulder), at least buy her a pair of silky pajamas.

You know, it's funny, back when we were first dating/not-dating (we had several starts and stops) but before she had fully... committed(If that's the right word?) to a romantic relationship with me (She would always say "we're just 'hanging out'"), she called me up one night out of the blue and said, "hey, my roommate's not here and I'm trying to study for this test.." (she was in grad school at the time) "...do you want to come over and help me study?" Well, I was crazy about her so, of course, I said yes i'll be right over. So, when she comes to the door, the lights are turned somewhat low and she is wearing this set of silk pajamas, bright blue that set off her eyes, and which are long-legged and long armed but, being silk, accentuated her figure wonderfully. As soon as I come in she turns around and gives me this kiss and im like, just Wow wow wow. Long story short, we didn't ML that night (though man did I try-- she just wasn't going to do that on a "first date"), but I did stay over, and we stayed up very late talking, making out, etc. (No studying ) After that, when we were more, <ahem> "active", I would always want her to wear those because it reminded me of her answering the door that night in them. At any rate, because of that, whenever I think of her and silk pajamas I think of anything BUT "stodgy" and "not sexy". Sadly, she doesn't have that set anymore...

Keep a certain flow going between you. I realize there will be times one of you will be dead tired or not in the mood to flirt and play around. Life just isn't a party every day. But as I explained previously, we can create good times instead of waiting for them to "just appear" out of nothing, or b/c the calendar says to do it on a certain date.. Maybe your new pet name for her should be "J-Lo".

Yeah, when we were dating I used to constantly be racking my brain for fun/flirty things to do with her. Need to keep that up, here, just "go with it." One of the things I want to do now is to "buy her a drink from across the bar." She had mentioned this to me a couple of times before, way back when, and did so again Saturday night that she had never had a man "buy her a drink" from across the bar. She said her first year in college someone tried and she turned him down because she didn't drink at that point, but, aside from that, she's never had someone buy or even offer to buy her one. Now, given her looks I find this and always have found this very hard to believe but she maintains that it was always her friends who got bought drinks when she was out, and never her, even to this day. So, I am going to find a way/place/time to do that, but I also want to make sure it's not creepy or stalker-ish. Maybe "drop by" a bar the next time she is out with friends. She has an after dinner beer about once every other week with one of her work friends-- a very nice, sweet, Christian,single mom who is an excellent influence on my W... and I hope it stays that way-- and obviously she meets up with <gag> bff from time to time. I just think that would be a cool kind of thing to do.

Anyone else have any cool date or flirty things they want to offer up or suggest and im all ears.

I actually was thinking of referring to her as "J-Lo" in some of our flirtier moments. Helps that her name actually starts with a "J"

Well, it would be something new you could enjoy together. Better you, than BFF. And I was wondering, since she makes references to her weight........,have you thought about some other activity together, like going to the gym, rock climbing, hiking, etc.? I know H's have to approach this area very carefully, b/c you don't want her thinking you are implying she is getting out of shape.

I have ALWAYS wanted her to go to the gym with me, even when we were just dating. Not because I ever thought she was fat our out of shape, but just because I thought it would be a fun thing to do together. Of course, now, she doesn't consider working out "fun", even though she was a fitness trainer for a while back when we first met. However, interesting dynamic, for the last several days (and maybe it is just because she knows we have this trip in may, now) but she HAS been working out... and in front of me. She's never really been willing to do that before, but a couple nights back she brought dumbells up to the room and was lifting them while I was getting ready for bed, and then a couple of times yesterday she made it a point to be down in the TV room when I was there doing some leg lifts and stretches and calisthenics. (She can still do full splits-- always has been able to which was why she was such a good hurdler-- and it drives me up the WALL.)

I don't particularly care for the slow, sad, sappy songs, either. I need something to speed up my heart.........not slow it down! grin I have not watched a sad, chick movie in years! If I know in advance it's any kind of sad story, I won't watch it. Who needs it?

You know, its funny, she says that about the songs, but then she'll sit there and watch hours of Hallmark channel sometimes with those sappy movies (Still does that some) or, in the past, read stacks of those romance novels (hasn't actually read one of those in a while.)

Anyhoo, thanks again all, I will update as appropriate. Keep those date and flirtiness ideas coming!