Gordie #17: deliberately not divorced

[Gordie]

Exquisite, Lifetwists, Andrew, DNJ, HaWho, Mach,

That’s very helpful. I think everyone here is pointing out and that I have a hard time seeing is that...I am not excited about life right now. The living one day at a time serves a purpose...an important survival purpose...but maybe all of you are saying...I’m ready for the next step.

I am not happy/thrilled/excited with the way life is right now...but looking on the bright side, life is getting better. I am more self aware and less judgmental and a better father. These are gifts. She stopped two things causing me intense pain. That had a huge effect on my mental and emotional health.

Am I trying to drive forward while looking backwards? Yes. And yes, I’ve analyzed my situation to death. New epiphanies are lacking so maybe it’s time to close that chapter. I’ve learned those lessons the hard way. Don’t forget them, but stop re analyzing.

Am I trying to drive forward while looking at where her car is going? Yes. And how can I not? I am giving her plenty of time and space to do her own thing. But I am also opening myself back up to her—slowly—to see if there is a future for us and if so, what kind of future that may be. I don’t know. I still have hopes that this M can be saved.

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Journaling:

So it’s been a month since she dropped the D and OM2. I have continued to give her time and space. I am not purauing her. She has been trying to rebuild some of those broken bridges with the kids. I have stayed out of it, but think she is making some progress. She has been pursuing me a little...trying to talk to me more, trying to spend time with me (when we are both at home, not dates or anything). Physical contact has gone from zero to a little bit but nothing intimate.

She has started seeing an IC. She is seeing a specialist who focuses on women’s depression and anxiety. We do not discuss her therapy.

I have not initiated any R talks. She initiated one last night. She bought me a present and acknowledged that the last year was difficult and that she is hopeful that we are going to have a great year this year. She didn’t say she was sorry or anything. She almost never buys me gifts so this was unexpected on many levels. We hugged and retreated to our separated bedrooms.

I have been busy at work, regularly going to the gym, and focused on the kids. I recently got promoted so have more on my plate there. I am happy with my appearance and changed up my hair—something I hadn’t done in years. One of my kids is doing terribly in school so have been trying to work with him to turn things around but he is very rebellious right now. I haven’t been going out with friends as much as I was and should probably take that up a notch.