Element. My very first post, but I thought I needed to chime in on this thread. Although, I am not your wife and every situation is unique, I wanted to maybe shine some light on your wife's perspective, for our situations are VERY similar. I am too a stay at home mom with an autistic kid who is in the middle of moving out, sort of. Majority of women, and especially stay at home moms of special needs kids, would never walk out of a 14-20 year old marriage for frivolous reasons, unless they are frivolous women. But those women usually reveal themselves relatively quickly in the marriage. If I have to guess from reading your posts, your wife is not one of them. I don't know what happened in your marriage, but I know what happened in mine and they are very serious reasons to walk out. When you hit middle age, you start to think - is this the person who has my back when I am old and sick, is this my PARTNER or is this the person who only cares for me when I am fulfilling HIS needs? You might get defensive and say - "She is the one using me!" and from where you stand it might appear so. I can tell you why I gave up on my marriage - hopelessness. Hopelessness that the changes that I need to see in my husband to make me happy as a woman and make me swoon with desire can happen. Because for most married women, desire starts outside of the bedroom. I have to respect you as a man, whatever the criteria it maybe for each individual woman. I lost hope that my husband has the character and strength to make permanent changes in himself. I have convinced myself that based on his actions in the past I am not important to him enough for him to jump through the hoops. I have told him and told him and told him and told him and on and on and on. He would change for a bit, but it would ALWAYS go back to where it started. And it seems to be the running theme here, men don't really listen and take their wives seriously. Like a boss who nods in agreement when you ask for a raise every year, but then nothing happens and years go by. You then loose hope that you are a valued employee and is forced to find another job or quit even though you love your job. I believe that if you really dig deep into your past you will probably remember what your wife "bugged and nagged" you about on the consistent basis. You probably acted as if those things were optional but she was telling you exactly what you need to do that makes her see you as a male PARTNER. I don't know your wife, she might "like her cake and eat it too" like you said, but I am living in my husband's house and from aside it looks like I am eating the cake. Family and no intimacy. But I am here not for myself or to torture my husband. When you have kids and you are divorcing you want to make it as painless as possible for them, especially kids on the spectrum. The routine is everything to them. If I had no kids, I would be LONG gone. Money, no money. House, no house. I could sleep in my car if I had to. When you have kids your priority is with them. If I have to guess, my sentiments are similar to your wife's. Having a huge gap in your resume does not help either. It is hard to find a job that pays enough to support me and my kids. I am struggling. Your wife is probably too. See, you BOTH had family, you BOTH contributed a lot, but when it did not work out it is not you who does not have anything to show for it. It is your wife. Just imagine yourself in that position. How hopeless she must have felt with this marriage to initiate her own self destruction? It is not an impulse. Oh, no. She has been feeling like this is her only option left to shake you up. Like I said, every situation is unique, but it sounds like she is hanging on to the marriage. If everything you say is true, I would assume she is still waiting like me, otherwise she would file a long time ago. Something you are doing or not doing that has yet to convince her that you are the man she wants to grow old with. I only know what my husband needs to do, but every woman has a different love language, like you said. I would probably assume that communication has not been your marriage's strongest point like many, so if I have to give you any point here I would start with improving your interpersonal communication skills. Men seem to struggle in this department. They either passively agree to everything wife says to avoid a conflict and to appear supportive or they stonewall or get defensive and accusatory. Neither approach helps the bedroom situation. One comes off as weak and passive another as an [censored]. There are tons of books on the subject to help there. One thing to add though, that we women are sexual beings with sexual needs. Your wife's OM - Married, unavailable (purely for sex kind of thing) - a booty call maybe? Men do it all the time - AshleyMadison.com and such. I know I would gladly jump my husband's bones any day just for sex, but then it would totally screw him up if I decided to finally leave. I don't want him to suffer more than he has already. Of course, I am speaking purely from my own perspective. You have to find out your truth with your wife.
