First of all, thanks for investing time to give your perspective - very helpful!
What it comes to the background, I recognize myself apologizing after apologizing to her wanting the peace back again. I know I had things to apologize for, my behavior was very negative at times, but really wanted to leave in peace and hoped apologizing (and changing behavior on surface) would enable that. Itīs a bit contradictory, since during fights I had a tendency to excuse myself and my actions that led to the fight, but still I was always the first apologizing. Having this defensive background, I wanted to take full responsibility of my own faults, and I admit that I have propensity to take propensity of her faults as well thinking that I was a "root cause". If I would have been more supportive, she would have respected me; If I would have been emotionally available, she would have loved me; If I would have been physically near without initiating sex, there would have been more sex etc, etc. You said very well that if W donīt take responsibility of her actions, reconciliation of the heart wonīt happen due to all blame she would put on me... I guess there is not any magic wand that would get us there?
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Can you set goals that will help you change, and not repeat the same same mistakes? Just as an example, would seeing an IC help to figure out why you lacked in emotional connection, and why you felt uncomfortable being physically near her?
I began my journey for better man and H about a year ago, and have changed my course, but "too late". I have seen IC and there are several reasons what led to these issues, i.e. fear of being rejected but mostly resentment that I had towards my W. We did not have loving, accepting atmosphere in our home. Understanding love languages would have definitely been helpful, since her primary one is "physical touch" (failed), and mine is "words of affirmation" (failed). However, I donīt know if we would have been able to implement that to our life without this crisis (or right help), since boy, we tried a lot! Only now I feel that I really understand the big picture.
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Her wayward mindset starts with resentment, and then, disrespect.
This is so right - there has been lot of resentment both sides, and she definitely did not respect me. I sometimes thought that I was the best possible H, since I provided well, didnīt hang around with friends at bars, were not abusive (said bad things sometimes though) and definitely did not cheat. Isnīt it a classic! Yes, I was also unhappy, but still I did not leave - so itīs hard for me to accept that she gave up...
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It's the "secret" and the sense of "naughtiness" that becomes intoxicating.
This is so weird - she never wanted to be "naughty" with me, she just wanted to be physically near and emotionally connected when ML. I can say that I would also liked to experience more in martial bed and try new things, but I always listened wishes. So it hurts super much after sex starved marriage to find these kind of toys and think she is doing something that could have spiced up our marriage with someone else. Is that typical for WW?
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Would a PA be a deal breaker for you? Would you continue being intimate with her? Would it make any difference if you knew it was an EA?
Good question. Many years I thought PA would be a deal breaker, but under these circumstances I donīt. If I could confirm that she has a PA/EA, I would say: I am committed to continue emotional attachment focused counselling with you IF PA/EA stops immediately. If you donīt stop, I will file D (especially if PA). On the other hand, of course she could say ok I quit, but still continue... Itīs so hard for me to understand why can she act as nothing has happened? How can she live with her self if she has a PA, we are still married even we are separated!
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You are not clear about the status of your relationship.
Thatīs the thing, I thought we were very clear! We had a separate conversation when we agreed to NOT see anyone else! She always before said to me that the worst thing that could happen to her is that I have affair and she did not know about it, so I kinda imagined that she would respect me that much that she would not do it to me... I also asked 2 weeks ago her to say me right away if she wants to see/have seen others and she said yes and asked me to do the same thing for her. Yes, we are separated but we are still married! My W has always been VERY honest about everything, but I guess it changes in these circumstances?
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She is acting similar to GGW
What is GGW?
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I don't think you should confront her for now. You can choose to get the intell you need, or not, that's your decision. Cadet's signature line says "Knowledge is power". I agree. Some people can handle what they see when they snoop, and some can't. You are the only person who knows which one you are. And, could you leave it alone, once you got the intell? Or would it become an obsession where you were constantly checking to see the latest update? These are important answers you need to know before you do anything else.
The thing is that I feel I need to know. I have even this feeling that how can I leave my kids with my W if she is so "filthy" Itīs feeling SO bad... Yes, I recognize that if she knows I know, it does not necessary stop affair. But if she wants another chance with me (she obviously does not), then it needs to stop! And ATM I feel I have right to know. Itīs only way we can be in good terms in the future for the kids, even if we are not together. Letīs see if I get more evidence today since she just came from weekend trip. I have an idea how to confront her, but Iīll write about it in next post.
