Wild ride and now trapped in the Bermuda Triangle

[dmoy]

Had a decent week with WAW but so far she still seems hesitant do do anything IRT working on things.

Two weeks ago was a bit rough with Valentines Day. Got wife and kids cards. Nothing special for W, just a friendly card (no "I love you") and a gift card for a spot she frequents. Sunday was filled with surprise church membership which left me sad because a month before she had gone to a meeting and I was unable to attend. When I inquired about the membership meeting she brushed it off like there was nothing that would immediately come of it. Imagine my shock 4 weeks later when she was in front of the church becoming a member and I was left sitting there with the kids.

I left her alone for a day because I wasn't in the mood to talk after feeling lied to. I was hurt and didn't have much nice to say so I opted to say nothing at all. Then on Monday (next day) out of the blue she asked if I wanted to spend some time with the kids together. We had a good time, things seemed better. Later that evening I took the kids to their counseling appointment, and had the opportunity to read to them before bed. Tuesday went well, she even joked with me when I dropped the kids off. It's nice for those times when she lets her guard down and jokes with me. Wednesday evening I got a surprise visit from them on their way home from girl scouts.

Friday night I took the kids to W's school where she was volunteering for an evening activity. We hung out for an hour or so and she thanked me later for brining the kids. Saturday when she came to pick them up she came in and hung out for a bit.

Today I finally decided to bring up the subject of next Saturday. I had gotten tickets for a Gary Chapman seminar that was happening at a local church. I very simply asked if she wanted to join me and she declined. I'm being patient, and I'll wait forever if I have to, but my concern is around me and my past. Despite the huge personal changes I've made, she seems unwilling to talk about anything.

One comment that stands out from last spring during one of the fights a month or so before she moved out was that she'd never be able to trust me again. Additionally she told me that she feels I was verbally abusive and that I cheated on her because I hated her. This information came after she moved out. I think there were some friends involved and some promises made to/by them to not let her get back together with me.

I've read (and re-read) both Divorce Remedy and Healing from Infidelity (particularly the doing it alone / when betrayed spouse wants out chapter.)

My question becomes that the verbal abuse part is a wild card not addressed in either book. And for some people they equate this with being as bad as physical abuse which means no return under any circumstances. While I admit I acted controlling and had said mean things at times, but I definitely didn't do it out of spite or hate. I'm not sure how to overcome this. I hurt her and feel horrible for that.

I had thought about putting the verbal abuse issue on the back burner for now and not getting hung up on it until I know for certain it's a blocker and focus rather on rebuilding trust-- asking what I did last year that eroded her trust for good and asking what I can do specifically to help get her to trust me again.

The one thing that I didn't try in Healing from Infidelity was the written letter (pg 176).

Thoughts on any of all of the above? Really just looking for ideas at this point.