Suspect PA - should I confront with this evidence?

[sandi2]

Hi GettinT, glad you finally decided to tell your story. Sadly, too many M's suffer from cycles of conflict. If the couple cannot get the help they need in correcting it, they will live together in misery, or they S/D. First, I want to tell you that your M can be saved. Yes, it will be very challenging, and there appears to be some very serious issues with your W. However, it is possible to change yourself, thus changing your influence on the M status.

I think you are off to a good start by completely owning your part of the breakdown in the MR. I want to also add something else. You can only take responsibility for your part. Many nice guys want to make things right by accepting responsibility for themselves.....plus responsibility for the W's part. It's similar to the H who knows his W is angry at him, and he has no clue as to what it's about. But what does he do? He apologizes to her. He doesn't even know what he's apologizing for, but he just wants peace between them again. Unfortunately, many nice-guy H's will take 100% responsibility for the breakdown in their MR......b/c in the back of their mind, they think it will promote reconciliation of he tells her everything was his fault. Truth is that it doesn't help.......the situation, or her, unless she was 100% blameless. In most cases, she isn't completely blameless.

I think it is healthy in choosing not to focus on your W's faults, just as long as you aren't trying to take responsibility for her bad decisions/actions. For now I'll just say that it is very important that the wayward W takes responsibility for her part, or she will forever blame her H for everything wrong in the M.....and she will hold on to past grievances. Reconciliation of the hearts won't happen as long as she can put all the blame on him and thinks she is blameless. The cycles of conflict will continue, b/c as long as she is not required to take responsibility for herself.......her heart will remain hardened and closed to her H. She must reach the point where (1) she takes ownership for her wayward mindset and her actions; (2) feels remorse for what she has done; (3) is able to let go of all the resentment of issues in the past; (4) is able to forgive you; (5) and, humbly asks for your forgiveness. She is probably a long way from any of those 5 things for a while. It will take time for her to reach that place, just as it's going to take time for you to make lasting changes in yourself.

I have actually made a long list of my mistakes during our marriage that has driven us to this point: I did not made her feel loved & appreciated, I lacked in emotional connection, neglected her feelings and was not comfortable being physically near – to start with

.

Okay, it's good that you are able to see your own mistakes. Can you set goals that will help you change, and not repeat the same same mistakes? Just as an example, would seeing an IC help to figure out why you lacked in emotional connection, and why you felt uncomfortable being physically near her? Maybe you could take a class/course in how to communicate with women......mainly a wife. Research what women need the most in a MR. Read books about the difference in the male and female makeup (very interesting and helpful). Learn about the basic love languages everyone has, and how to speak in her LL. See what I mean?

Everyone has emotional needs. Not knowing exactly what her EN are, could hinder doing anything to fill them, in all likelihood. You can google something like....."what are the wife's emotional needs", and you would probably get basic information, at least. Most women have close to the same basic EN. As a man learns more about his W as an individual, he should learn her unique EN that come from her personal psyche. He should know personal issues such as....if she has body image issues; experiences low self-esteem, experienced abandonment or neglect from a parent; etc. IMHO, when EN are met by the spouse, and LL are spoken from the spouse.......that MR is going to have one happy spouse, at least. When it's a two-way street.....you've practically got heaven! But, let's keep it real, it is not always as simple as it may sound, b/c people in relationships are more complexed.

When either spouse goes for years without their EN being met in the MR, they are stand to be more vulnerable to inappropriate influences. I talk about the WW b/c that is what I have observed and understand the most. Her wayward mindset starts with resentment, and then, disrespect. She eventually rebels. Her actions are motivated by total selfishness. Everything is about her! If she does not benefit in some way......she's not on board. Maybe your W was wayward before you M her, IDK. I think in most cases, it comes later when she has experienced unmet EN, in some cases unmet physical needs, has unresolved past issues with her H, unforgivness, etc. She pushes this stuff down in her heart and it plants seeds of resentment toward her H. It isn't long until disrespect is hand in hand with the resentment. Then it begins to show in her words, her attitude, facial expressions, and behavior. When she goes into full rebellion against her H and MR..........she often behaves like Girls Gone Wild. She may jump from one man to another. She has become someone her H no longer recognizes. She is not the same girl that he married.

Until this morning I was inclined to believe that, since we moved back to our home country from work assignment just recently and once we were at the host country, she did not have that big social network and possibilities to cheat. And know when we are back home after 3.5 years abroad, feels like she haven´t had the time to develop A just this fast.

As long as there are Internet apps, it will be easy, and fast, to enter into an EA/PA. I'm not talking about Hollywood's movie version of "An Affair to Remember". I'm talking about what we are seeing in our society of phone apps and quick access to anyone in the world.......with face to face (maybe not skin on skin) camera action. Unlike when a couple meets and start dating and building a loving relationship and reach the point they are ready to commit to a MR, or even a long term relationship.........an affair stems mostly from lust, and emotional stimulation. When one or both affair partners are M to other people, they usually are looking for something that was missing in the MR (and that's giving them too much credit). The affair partners usually do not wait to build a relationship, they settle for a pseudo relationsip, at best. They just go straight for the thrill. The thrill comes b/c it is taboo. When a person is M, it is inappropriate to have sex talks, send naked photos, or text all hours into the night with anyone other than the spouse. People these days cover the affair, when they are suspected, and claim to be "just friends". (That's just a few highlights). It's the "secret" and the sense of "naughtiness" that becomes intoxicating. Affairs are very addictive. It's not always the affair partner that is addictive.....it's the thrill. That's why when one affair partner falls by the wayside, another affair partner is found very quickly.

We still get intimate (I initiate) once on a while (once a month?) when we have our date nights. Week ago we had date and were intimate and AFTER ML my wife mentioned she bought condoms since she didn´t have any other birth control ATM.

That's more considerate than what is usually reported about WW's in an A. Instead of you finding it odd, b/c she has never done it in the past.......I suggest you stop trusting her and realize you put yourself at risk every time you have unprotected sex with her.
She has signs of being in an A. Whether or not they are having a PA.....IDK, but it appears very suspicious. I think you need to protect yourself, as though she is in a PA.

Would a PA be a deal breaker for you? Would you continue being intimate with her? Would it make any difference if you knew it was an EA? You need to know your own feelings, before you start trying to figure out what actions to take.

So this morning I snooped a bit and found some sex toys from W closet, like BDSM collar and coc* ring!! Everything inside me turned upside down and my hands started shaking. I was about to call my W right away and confront her. BUT - she could say that she bought them for us (for date night) and I do not have other evidence.

Okay, let me get this straight. You are "nesting", have date nights and have sex about once a month. You are seeing all these "signs" that tell your gut something is up. Then you find his/her sex toys hidden in her closet.......(in the nesting place?).... And you aren't sure if you should confront her b/c you don't have other evidence, and she would probably lie about the whole thing.

Well, here's the thing. You are not clear about the status of your relationship. On one hand, the two of you play like a separated couple who are nesting so their kids can stay in the family home. But on the other hand, you are sleeping together. So, do you confront her as her outraged married H.........or do you confront her as the outraged separated H?

What do you think, should I confront W with this evidence or wait for more? I think I could try to find the condoms and see if they are used, but most likely don´t find them... If I ask, guess W denies everything. I´m pretty sure she has not told anyone of her friends either, so no benefit in asking them either.

I don't recommend you confront her with the sex toys, or the condoms. That's a no-win, for sure! It won't benefit you to confront her at all, at least for now. Know why? B/c technically you are suppose to be separated. Obviously, you thought it was to work through the issues and eventually reconcile. But your W is wayward, and this is not what she is doing.....at all. To be blunt, you are just a side dish! She throws you just enough crumbs to keep you attached, b/c she benefits from being legally M to you.

She is acting similar to GGW, and I wouldn't doubt her bringing OM to the nesting apartment while you are with the kids. If you don't think she would do such a low thing.......then you are in a for a rude awakening. Remember the thrill I talked about? Yes, she would do most anything.......b/c she does not emotionally consider herself your W. Hopefully, she hasn't brought OM to the nesting place, but I suspect she is having sex with some other guy....somewhere. From what I read, most women who are S from the H, consider it none of the H's business what she does. Awake yet?

I don't think you should confront her for now. You can choose to get the intell you need, or not, that's your decision. Cadet's signature line says "Knowledge is power". I agree. Some people can handle what they see when they snoop, and some can't. You are the only person who knows which one you are. And, could you leave it alone, once you got the intell? Or would it become an obsession where you were constantly checking to see the latest update? These are important answers you need to know before you do anything else. I mean....anything. When you let us know, then we can start from there. Confrontation, alone, gets you nowhere. It basically let's her know you are aware of her affair. It does not end the affair! Then what is the next step? It's your ball.

I caution you about jumping off into any action that stems from emotions. You have a lot of information to learn here. I hope you take the time to learn first, then make a decision.

Sorry, I didn't intend to write a book.