WW, A ended, but struggling to reconnect (My 11th)

[hoosjim]

I will admit that I was not as confident as Don H. When you told about me about the jewelry, and a few other things about the same time......I was very concerned. But now that she is putting forth effort and seeing the MC/IC, I am very hopeful. And, yes........I would say you are piecing! When both parties are committed and putting forth effort in doing the necessary work, they are definitely piecing, IMHO.

So, I hope you will shift gears from that mindset of a LBH to one in piecing. I hope that takes some pressure off you and you can relax a little.

Sandi, everyone... I just have to say "thanks" again to y'all (giving myself away a little bit geographically there ). Don't know what i would have done through all of these months without this board, the DB-ing philosophy, my DB coach. Everyone so helpful and pulling for me-- even when that did entail tough love and 2x4s. It really meant alot and has been a critical component in my growth, and, in the movement of my MR to a place, where, despite all the odds and factors seemingly stacked against it, we have a legitimate chance to "make this work." I know we are far from out of the woods, and that we have much, much work still to do-- you don't fix 10 years of bad marriage and hurt in 6 months-- but i have hope. Faith has been a big, big part of that, and i continue to pray daily for guidance, for grace, for patience... and i think that all of you folks have been part of the answer to my prayers. Thank you.

And I have been able to relax some. Little things, some faith, idunno, i just have. W is at grocery store now, a trip which, not three months ago, would have had me worrying, wringing my hands, wishing i'd put the tracker on her car. Now, I can sit her telling my online friends "thanks" and not stressing about her whereabouts. Does that mean i am confident we will fully reconcile? No. But i am confident that, at least for now, the place my W is in is a place with me. (See, i even thought about putting little "" marks around "with", but didn't )

Alot of that laundry list of thing that i threw out there back before christmas were me "spinning"... not all, and there were some concerning things there, but i have come to realize that you can't view every single thing in a negative light and assume the worst. Sometimes... even most times, you need to, as MWD counsels, "act as if..."

W wears the jewelry i gave her more than any others currently, and as for the wedding ring, i really believe after having it discussed, twice now, in MC, that she genuninely resents me having lost mine and not having replaced it. So, Ima take the lead on that, as some on here suggested, and just not discuss it but, rather, in the next few weeks, go buy myself a replacement and start wearing it... for me. and for us. If nothing else, should be good fodder for our "talks', LOL.

I think it was great you gave her the romantic off the chart valentine's celebration without putting pressure on her for sex. It will help her relax for the next special event and finally the two of you will ease back into intimacy without feeling so awkward. And your counselor said something I think is important. Don't go into it all serious and tense. That puts too much pressure on you and her. Make it fun and relaxed as possible.

I think is a great descriptor of the V-Day date. (actually day after-- Wednesday was Ash Wednesday and so a day of fasting and going to mass for us-- though i did send her tropical flowers and a nice card on the 14th telling her i was looking forward to the next night). At any rate, she continually seemed surprised/dumbfounded as i first brought out nice champagne, then the chauffered car, then the restaurant she'd been wanting to go to, etc. Surprised, but pleased at the same time. And also, yes, awkward and, i would probably say, even a bit "shy". But i think it was a good ice breaker. Only drawback was that we did not get to do the weekend away at the ski resort this weekend--rain washed us out, but i told her we'd be taking a rain check. Now i need to come up with another weekend since skiing season rapidly ending, at least in our neck of the woods, with warmer weather.

Last night we had a nice and kind of surprising night. S18, the one with TS, had a rough night. Lost his basketball jersey as we were getting ready to go to his game... he had a near complete meltdown, missed the game, fought/argued with us.. W said, under her breath but i heard, "now our whole evenining is ruined,too". (We really enjoy going to watch his games.) At any rate, I "handled" S18, was stern but understanding, and he eventually left the house, still angry, to go talk to his coach. But when he came back, very apologetic, gave us both hugs (he is the "cuddly" one of my two boys, unlike S19 who has an ice-man exterior but is still pretty mushy inside) and said he was sorry. That meant a lot to my W.

So, though we hadn't planned it, i went upstairs and changed and told w (who already looked gorgeous) "c'mon, let's get out of here for a bit." And we headed for our local neighborhood pub which has live music on Saturday and where we hadn't been in a little while. She was quiet at first, but warmed up quickly. We had a very good evening with lots of good conversation. A few tidbits: We got talking about movies and actors and she said "Well, you do have a bit of George Clooney in you", and i mentioned a movie we had once seen with him and J-Lo in it, and how good their chemistry was, and I was like "Well, you have quite a bit of J-Lo in you" and she said "darn right i do! Just need to work on this body a little before we get to the beach.". I'd've said something to that, but then she immediately said: "Hey, we're gonna rent that movie when we get home, no matter how late it is." Which we did. When we got home while i was renting the movie (we have a projector and screen in our TV room which gives a pretty good movie experience) she went upstairs and changed into a set of pajamas--not sexy but very cute, flannel-- that she had gotten from my Mom at Christmas and not previously worn. So we kind of cuddled up a little on the couch-- even though she doesn't object when i put my arm around her in bed, she still wont lean into my shoulder with arm around her in that sitting on the couch context, but she is gradually getting closer-- put her feet up in my lap or alternately under my legs and let me caress them and her lower leg. It was a nice evening.

A couple of noteworthy things she said while we were out:

On the subject of the motorcycle driving class she has wanted to take forever, like, for years, but keeps putting off (and remember that OM had a bike, grrrr....) she said "Well maybe you should take it with me... that way i can cheat off of you on the written test so i make sure i pass, since i am terrible at tests (smiling.)" This is the first time she has ever indicated she might be willing to take that class as anything other than a "just her" or "just her and a gf" thing (at one point she had been saying she was going to do it with bff. IDK, i found it encouraging.

On the subject of MC and our counselor-- She (W) has this thing about slow, "sappy" songs (she doesn't like them-- "gag, gag"). She has mentioned this in some of our recent conversations and said she thinks it goes hand in hand with her whole commitment issue... and i tend to agree. So, at any rate, last night she mentions that again during a slow song at the pub and says "What do you think MC would make of THAT" And i said, "not sure, you should ask her." And then she says, "IDK, I'm not sure she's my girl-- she asks too many questions, not enough answers.... i need answers." Kind of smiling at this as if joking, but IDK