WW, A ended, but struggling to reconnect (My 11th)

[sandi2]

she definitely has talked about feeling the pressure to be the good, responsible one and set a good example and how she feels like her sibs got away with more than she did.

I remember an incident that took place right before my 40th birthday, and my sibling and I had a little spat. My father told me that I should make the first move to patch things up, even though he did not think I was the one in the wrong. Here I was nearly 40 years old and I said, "Why is it me that always has to be the one to make the first move"? Sounded real mature, right? And his answer was, "Because you are the oldest". I wanted to pull my hair out in frustration. I said, "I've heard that all my life, and I still don't know why she can get away with doing wrong but I have to continue setting the right example".

My two granddaughters are like watching history repeat itself. Same age difference, personalities, etc. And, I see the oldest girl having to do all the chores and be responsible for so much, and she is a good girl.........while her sister sits around and does nothing, gets away with murder. Well, guess which one I take up for?

But yes, a lot of pressure is put on the first born to be the "perfect" one. I use to ask my parents why they made so much difference between my sister and I, and they said they had to learn how on me. They even admitted to being too strict b/c they wanted me to near perfect. By the time sister came along, they realized their mistake and slacked up with her.......but I think they slacked too much.

Anyway, it is interesting to see how that same scenario is played out in other families.

Fire away! (Am I "piecing" yet? Seems like maybe, but still unsure.)

I will admit that I was not as confident as Don H. When you told about me about the jewelry, and a few other things about the same time......I was very concerned. But now that she is putting forth effort and seeing the MC/IC, I am very hopeful. And, yes........I would say you are piecing! When both parties are committed and putting forth effort in doing the necessary work, they are definitely piecing, IMHO.

So, I hope you will shift gears from that mindset of a LBH to one in piecing. I hope that takes some pressure off you and you can relax a little. Have fun planing big things and simple things.........and sometimes, do something on the spur of the moment. Just never fall back into those old ways.

Some of my best times were planning little "special nights" with my H. I had been reading this book that was telling women how they should change things up, so the H would not become bored at his own address. I noticed one morning as he was leaving for work how his shoulders appeared to be carry a lot of weight. I decided I was going to perk things up that evening. I got busy and arranged for the kids to spend the night with their grandparents. Then I went to the store to buy his favorite food to prepare for dinner. That night came home and opened to door to see a beautiful set table with candlights, fresh flowers, and his favorite cooked meal. But he wasn't paying that too much attention. His focus was on the poised brunette who was wearing a sexy halter top, short-shorts, and high heels (which was not my normal attire). The living room looked as if I had tried to decorate like.......well, I'm not sure. I had an air mattress in the middle of the floor, covered with silky sheets and big pillows, and something red thrown over the lamp shades. I had even picked up a little inexpensive gift for him to open, with a card To the Best Husband in the World. He forgot all about his tiring day, and we had a lot of fun that night. It was no special occasion, but I decided we didn't need a calendar to tell us when we could celebrate each other. He kept asking what got into me, and why was I doing all of that for him.......and I told him it was my way of showing him how much I appreciate him working so hard to provide for our family. Neither of us could tell you the date or even the year, it's been so long ago.......but we will never forget the experience. That was the first of many to follow, and with each one, I became a little more daring and creative.

I think it was great you gave her the romantic off the chart valentine's celebration without putting pressure on her for sex. It will help her relax for the next special event and finally the two of you will ease back into intimacy without feeling so awkward. And your counselor said something I think is important. Don't go into it all serious and tense. That puts too much pressure on you and her. Make it fun and relaxed as possible.

You said she didn't like surprises, but don't you think that is when it involves other people seeing her before she has time to dress and look her best? When it just something between the two of you......how does she respond?

I hope the next six weeks will be filled with little simple surprises that show you have stepped up and took charge of the evenings. Maybe not every night, but how about once a week? Some of us may even be able to come up with some ideas. But I don't want you stealing my halter top, shorts, and high heels. As soon as my H's heart gets stronger, I'm plan to wear it again.