Thank you all. It feels so good to be understood and to share all these emotions. Your perspectives help a lot to think out of my box. Currently, my H seems to pause with online dating and with moving on with separation. So I feel rather fine, don't worry. However, I am strongly grieving for our old life, I am longing for some signal that, somewhere down the road, he might consider to set aside his plan to separate and to divorce, I am afraid of the future to come, and I am feeling so lonesome in the our empty bed (he sleeps in another room).
Let me share another issue I feel rather unsecure how to deal with. Last year, in the middle of our battle, we started to negotiate a marriage contract with the help of a mediator. It was a common idea of my H and me for various reasons. First of all and for the sake of the children, we aimed at avoiding a war of the roses in case of divorce. Before, when quarreling, both of us happened to threaten the other one with various stuff to happen in case of divorce. So I wanted to feel safe in case of divorce. And my H said as long as such threats are an issue, he could't forgive and reconcile anyway. The mediation was successful in regard of results and agreements. The sessions however were horrible. Discussion child custody and so on, I felt separation and divorce so close within reach. Too often, I couldn't help being upset during the sessions and pursuing, begging and so on after the sessions. In the end, the sessions made our relationship even worse. Beginning of December, we agreed to postpone the finalization of the draft contract after christmas. Since then, I do my best LRT possible with ups and downs and the mood between us has improved. My H hasn't answered some open questions with regard to the draft contract yet and he hasn't initiated a date for finalization yet which he was supposed to do. The mediator is now asking me whether he should contact my H to remember him. I am not sure what to answer now.
On the one hand, I'd like more time for my LRT to take effect. I am afraid that another mediation session will worsen our relationship again. And I fear that finalizing the marriage contract is the coffin nail for our M. I fear that he signs it and immediately files for divorce.
On the other hand, I remember what my H said before the mediation, that he could never forgive and reconcile as long as my threats in case of divorce aren't set aside. If I would be able to stay cool during the sessions I could show my H that I don't agree but accept his wish to separate, so I could show detachment. And of course, such marriage contract is in my own interest in case of divorce.
