Bye bye limbo -- it's time for a change

[mleigh4]

Hi friends,

I survived the family snow trip. I had booked it last year prior to feeling so done with everything. I was dreading it a bit and am really glad it is over. I think the stress wore me down because I have either really bad allergies or a cold!

Anyway, it went pretty good. H is still very self absorbed, but he did spend time with us and seemed to have fun. We went out to eat together and watched movies in a really cool theatre room that the house had. In fact, the downstairs basement was a bedroom, bathroom and dark windowless theatre room. H chose that room to stay in and spent a lot of time in there. He did not sleep with us like trips in the past. As expected, H disappeared down there a few times for hours, which S brought up. I asked him, does he do this at home with you? S said yes, he disappears into his room a lot.

At the beginning of the trip, S expressed that he wasn't very excited about it. I told him I was trying to create some memories for him with his mom and dad together. I guess he thought about that because he later told me he preferred the trips to be just me and him. One morning we woke up to it snowing. I got my phone and told S I was going to text daddy to look outside. He grabbed my phone and said no, he didn't want to wake daddy up. I said, he won't get mad. S said he just didn't want daddy to get up, and that is when he told me he doesn't need us all to go on trips together. I actually felt relieved by that. I told him I will not plan anymore trips all together unless he tells me different, he said ok.

We went to Lake Tahoe. It's where H and I fell in love and where we got married. This trip, I felt a sense of closure. I said goodbye to that chapter in my life, it's time to make new memories there in the future as I do really love the place. Seems me and S are in sync with that.

We are very glad to be back home. Kitty was mad at us for a few hours and stared us down with that really annoyed and irritated kitty look, but she is back to normal now. Dog seems exhausted from running around in the snow, she had a blast! H did pretty well but is still pretty withdrawn. He didn't seem as distracted, but clearly still needs his alone time, which I actually used as my own quiet time from his crazy land. I was able to see clearly so many of the changes in him from who he used to be, he hasn't changed much since BD. As for me, he treated me like a basic friend. He didn't offer to chip in for the rental or for all the food I brought, but he did drive, pay for gas, and took us to dinner one night. Yep, I am done with these trips, very much done. He kept talking about his work party that is coming up. He continues to be oblivious that I may not be as excited about it as he is, being that he is a married man running around like he is single.

Monday night we get our taxes done. It will be the first time since marriage that we are doing them separately. I am also a little nervous about how this will go.

Once that is done, I am ready to bring up mediation again and see where he now stands with that. It's a weird reality, to be a person so against divorce yet want it so much. I just don't see any other answer or better choice for myself any longer. What a crappy reality.

Now on to me. I am ready for some positive and supportive changes in my world to help me through this time. I am joining a separation/divorce group. They are mid session, so I am hoping to be able to join now instead of waiting for the program to start over. I also have reached out to some old friends that I miss. The friend I spend most of my time with likes to drink a lot and honestly, is a really terrible listener. I love her, but need more than that in my world right now. It's so hard to meet new friends at this age!

So I am focused on me for a change. Looking for ways to improve what I am not happy with in my world. Looking for some support and people who I can relate with. I feel like I need some changes.

S is doing good, I love how he can be open with me. He recently referred to me as the boss of him, over daddy. By the way, dog didn't leave my side the whole trip. Looks like all my babies know who they can count on and that just warms my heart, I must be doing something right.

Have a good weekend
M