Its been a while since I last updated, not much has happened really, but thought I would journal to keep you in the loop of my world.
So 4 weeks 4 days until I finish work, its really dragging now. I was fortunate enough to be a part of the selection and interviews for my replacement, it was really good to experience the process from the other side of the desk, hopefully it will help me be a better interviewee going forward to my next job, whatever that is. I am really looking forward to my trip, I have everything ready for it now and just want to get going.
4 weeks ago I was out walking in the local reserve, a walk I have been doing a lot as training for a longer mountain walk on my adventure. I was jogging up some steps and must of somehow taken one wrong, next thing I heard and felt was a tearing sound in my calf, made me feel instant nausea and a burning in my leg. Unfortunately it was at the half way point so it took me an hour to hobble back home in intense pain. Following day I went to a physio and she diagnosed me with a tear to the calf muscle, not the best timing so near to my road trip huh. I have had 4 weeks to physio so far, last week the swelling had gone down enough for her to find the actual tear site, she said she can put her thumbs right in ( yup felt that excruciating pain) so the tear is deep. Exercises and massage of the healing scar tissue is helping a lot and I can now drive my car again (its a manual) and walk down stairs, but I cant walk very far before it starts throbbing. She is confident I will be able to short 1 -2 hr walks for my trip but my big 9hr volcano hike is off the table ...... for now ..... oh ok, I better listen to my physio ha ha ha
Most of my house is packed up, I just have the kitchen to go now. S21 has booked the truck and ferry for March 8th, s23 will meet s21 on the way up to mine and they will do the rest of the journey together. This weekend s21 and h and moving s23 into his new house, which is where I will be basing myself until I decide on a location or job, whichever comes first.
True to form I haven't heard anything from h since mid January, its S23 birthday next week, so I wonder if he will acknowledge it like he did with s21, or whether it was just because it was S 21st. It is so similar to last time, sometimes a couple of days in between and sometimes months go by, he does stick to conversation about the boys only, which is what we agreed on; looking back, last time i helped him move in to more friendly conversation by being chatty and asking questions that he replied to, but this time I don't chat and I don't ask questions, because I have learnt that most of the time I won't get the answers I want to hear and I'm not really that interested in what he is doing ..or who ........ oh how I have grown ha ha ha
Its census time here in NZ, we have to fill out the form online this year, I have pre done mine as I am the only one living at my address. One of the questions was relationship status, it gave several choices, I ticked the " permanently separated from my legal married spouse/ civil union partner" , as i did it it crossed my mind that h would be filling his one in too in the next few days, i wonder if it will jog his memory that he has yet to file for d, or if he will just tick the separated box with no more thought to the question. If it does jog him to act then I hope he gets it done before I leave so at least I can have my adventure trip to process.
Emotions and feelings wise, lately been a bit all over the place. My job has been challenging the past few weeks, lots of rude and confrontational customers, staff members passing them over to me as they don't like dealing with them (oh and like I do??) it wears you down emotionally and mentally, I am very ready to leave now, so much so I am looking at what else I can do for a job that gets me away from customer service.
Then there is H, I really don't know why he still enters my everyday thoughts after all this time but he does, a lot of dreams with him in them lately, so I wake up with the image in my head which sticks for the day, not helpful as I don't have any control over what I dream about! I think the Doting Dad thing he is doing with the boys right now is not helping; don't get me wrong, I am happy for the boys that they have a present dad again, but a part of me that hopes he falls down and fails again as he doesn't deserve them after how he has treated them .... and yes, me ...does this make me a terrible person?
So that's all from me, just counting down the days until I pack my car and head down my driveway for the last time, I am partly excited and partly nervous, I ask myself " what ARE you doing?" many times, my answer always the same - changing direction, seeing where this roads leads to. I know I am doing the right thing, I cant stay as I am, sadness has crept in to every void in my body, he broke my heart, I need to find a way of mending my weary crushed soul ......ROAD TRIP yeeeehhaaaaa
