WW, A ended, but struggling to reconnect (My 11th)

[sandi2]

Oh good, more update. I thought surely there was more to come!

IDK. I mean, I think I could deal with the physical infidelity more than I could deal with losing her heart. I know, I know, they go hand in hand,

Maybe it's just me, but I don't think they do go hand in hand, except in really healthy relationships. That's why some EA's can last a long time without having the skin on skin sex act. It plays to the emotional needs, rather than the physical. But I like what you said about dealing with a PA better than losing her heart. I find that to be very sweet (for lack of a better description ATM) and tender.

I asked my wife on 3 or 4 occasions not long after in the same timeframe: "I'm not worried so much about where you are physical, but where is your heart", which she always answered the same: "Locked up in a little box..."

If the IC can help her figure out what this ^^^^^^^ means, then I'll bet there will be real growth in the MR. There is something deep in that statement, "locked up in a little box".........what is the secret behind those words? It sounds as if she has a lot of trust issues, too. She is afraid to give her heart to anyone, so she keeps it locked up in a little box. (I should have gone into psychology.........not b/c I am smart about it, but b/c I find it so interesting).

If both of you are afraid to trust........then I am surprised there are not more problems in the MR. It may have a lot to do with how much or little she tells you about the A. So far, it has been very little that has actually been discussed, right? She may not believe you could completely forgive her........or if it were reversed, she could forgive you of the same actions.

For W, it was that, due much to her upbringing, she puts almost incredible pressure on herself to "do the right thing" and to be "the good girl" even though she has some "bad girl" gravitations/urges. MC was quick to point out that the label she puts on "good girl"/"bad girl" are not necessarily apt, but are colored by the fairly strict, puritanical upbringing she received, and that W was very quick/prone to label herself "bad" or a "failure" or the like-- which was very helpful and insightful and explained a lot of the marital friction my W had previously experienced where any time I questioned or second guessed her she would get very angry/defensive and consider it an attack. She doesn't like to be "wrong" about anything because the consequences of being "wrong" even in discreet instances are that she is a "bad person". Or something like that.

Interesting, and it makes sense. Is your W the first born child? (The birth order of the children is an interesting subject). Maybe I brought this up in the past. Anyway, It is often the traits of a first born child to try very hard to please their parents. First born children are more likely to be the "good son or daughter", whereas their sibling might be the "problem child". If she raised in a very strict or religious environment......or if her parents tended to be critical, it could cause her some internal conflict.

When I was growing up, I was often told I needed to be an example for others. This was mostly related to the religious upbringing. Back then, the term "role model" was not used, or I didn't hear it. I also grew up when it still taboo to lose your virginity before your wedding, and mothers would stress more to the D about the importance of being a good girl, than actually talking to them about sex. So, I can identify with your W in some ways. I didn't have a problem being a good girl, maybe b/c I didn't have urges.....lol. I was a good girl right up till I had an A!

I also understand her not wanting her parents to know anything about her feelings or the A, etc. It killed me that my mother knew. When she passed away, it pulled up a lot of guilt. And then when my daughter passed away.....the same thing again. B/c I felt I had disappointed them greatly. I didn't doubt they loved me, but I was never able to get beyond the feeling I had failed them as a a Christian daughter and Christian mother. That may not make sense to some people, but that's the only way I know how to describe it. I could not help but question if their respect for me was gone. Even when you know you are loved and forgiven by your family, it is hard b/c I think there is a part down deep inside that you just can never quite forgive yourself.

I even went to an IC after I ended my A. The first thing she told me was that I had done nothing wrong. I did not agree, and I did not return.

Also IC, re: my wifes body image: Do not contradict or argue with her, but you can let her know it "bothers you" when she talks that way... that I can say things like "it bothers me because I can see that you believe that and that it makes you upset, but I wish that you could see what I see when I look at you."... Avoid discussing particular "trouble spots" that she is particularly sensitive about (with W it is her "belly")... try to recognize and find ways to compliment her "whole" beauty, and make her feel beautiful by the way you treat her and approach her as well. Also that women need to be told/reminded often (though not sure this necessarily applies to my W, though it sure as heck worked for OM.)

Yes, I agree completely. My H would say, "You look nice". Nice?! Nice??? That's what a H calls a compliment? But I could contact the OM, and it was, "Oh baby! You are smoking hot!" Now, that's what a woman likes to hear! Not that "You look nice" cr@p.

IC , also... Said I should be taking lead and "pursuing"... finding fun things to do, even taking lead on getting her/us to counseling. Another area was in getting a new mattress (which we need but which W has balked about going shopping for).. Said I should just find a moment when we are out, things are going good, and take the lead on it: "Look, a mattress store, come on let's go look" and take her hand and drag her along...

Yes, I agree. I would be thrilled if my H would plan something for us to do. Don't wait till a special occasion. I hate for calendars to dictate when a H should buy something for his W, or take her somewhere special. It doesn't have to be that big of a deal. If he will just be in charge of planning an evening once in a while, that would be wonderful.

Like I've said before, you are still thinking like a LBH, instead of more like one in piecing. You can always pull back if you get a cool reception. If she secretly wishes to be thrown down on the bed and have your way with her........then I'll bet she wishes you would do this other stuff, too. When was the last time you called her and asked for a date? Wives love that kind of stuff. It makes us feel young, attractive, and sometimes, a little frisky. . Keep it light and fun. Don't get serious, and you won't feel the awkwardness as much.

I'm glad the counselor was pleased with your progress. Give yourself a pat on the back, b/c it has not been an easy journey getting to this place in the road. Many couples do not make it this far. I will say it again, I feel more hopeful since she agreed to go to IC.

What were her spirits like on the way back from the sessions? It must have been exhausting, after putting in that much time in one day.