I don't want a divorce

[cat04]

Kitcat,

I would like to bring the focus back around a bit here...

Because I agree with Mach, the blame game can go on forever...

Your H has complaints about the marriage, that have led him to saying he wants to be alone...

I am sure that you too have complaints about the marriage (because anyone who doesn't have something they wish were different, is lying), although you still want to remain married.

You have told the story and share information based on your perspective. If we were to hear your H tell us about the exact same conversation...it would probably sound quite different.

You are here, he is not.

So all we can do is focus on you.

I think it is a great thing for us to be introspective. Looking in the mirror, owning your own faults, wanting to change those things, and actually making changes, does nothing except make us better people.

Throughout all of it, we may also become better partners. Personally, it is something I think we should always be doing in our lives, regardless of the state of any relationship we have.

A dear friend of mine who used to post here had a saying that is something that has become a sort of mantra in my life for acceptance and a desire for improvement. It is...

We do our best with the tools we have at the time. When we have better tools, we do better.

DB is about getting better tools. Better listening skills, better communication skills, stopping reactions and replacing them with conscious actions, and many more.

You asked several times about how to answer your H when he asks questions about where you are going etc...

I thought I gave you and answer but I don't really think I was clear enough...

So here is an example...

H: Where are you going?

You: I am going to the coffee shop for a little while.

End of conversation. Although I did like the response Deckard gave you if there is a need for elaboration.

There is just too many details in your response. Too much room for debate or argument to ensue. One of the things that used to be said around here was "be mysterious."

Like Mach said, Db is about from this day forward...

I still think you need to get off the rollercoaster and stop yourself from spinning before you can even begin to do anything else.

So I will ask you again, to take some time, put on music you enjoy, soak in a bath, bake some cookies, curl up and read a good book. Anything that will take the focus off your M and your H, and put it on something that makes you feel good.

Have you seen the movie Fireproof? Might want to check it out.

The come back here and tell us how it felt.

You have to take care of Kitcat and get your house in order before you can do anything else.

Cat