New LBS - need advice, part deux

[apothem]

Hi Sandi,

I really appreciate you taking the time to review my situation and offer advice. I've replied below in red.

Hi Apothem, I saw you wave at me on another thread and I've read about your situation. Really sorry for you and your son. I agree with the advice your DB coach has given you. Currently, I don't see much else you could be doing......without making things worse.

I agree here, I think the DB coach knows my situation well enough and what has been working and what hasn't. She suggested I continue to be friendly, but not a door mat. To continue no contact and only respond.

Do you feel getting the D will help you move on? Many people believe they can't detach emotionally unless/until they are legally divorced. I suppose everyone is a little different, but so far, I don't remember anyone saying that it helped with their emotional pain.

Personally, I don't think the D will help me move on. I began the process of detaching as soon as I found this board and started reading DR around a month ago or so. I've also been seeing two therapists in addition to the DB coach and reading quite a bit of self-help books (The Road Less Traveled, No More Mr. Nice Guy, The 5 Love Languages, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, and Codependent No More).

I've really started to come into my own and it feels so liberating and refreshing. I've been going out and socializing A LOT more than I ever did. Oddly enough, I've found myself to be the life of the party (something I used to be, but have toned down a lot). I've also been receiving quite a bit of positive female attention, largely in part because of how I've been carrying myself - confident, back straight, chest out, head up, etc. It also helps that I've been exhibiting far greater self control when it comes to eating. I've lost 30 lbs since the bomb drop. I feel like I'm back to my old self, the person my wife initially fell in love with, except this time around it's an even better version of who I was. This process has taught me a lot about myself and helped me realize and acknowledge flaws that I have and how to address them.

Your coach is correct about these things taking time. I can't even remember right now, but I think my affair lasted somewhere between 9 - 12 months. It may sound strange to hear me say I can't remember, but I don't think about the affair anymore......except when I make reference to it on the board. I don't think about the OM. There was a time, right after I ended the A, I wondered if I would ever be able to get him out of my head. So you see, things can turn back around, but it definitely takes time.

My coach has definitely made it clear that it takes time. Typically it's around 6-9 months before the high goes away. That doesn't necessarily mean the affair ends, but they start to see the OM for what they really are. She informed me the typical affair lasts 6-12 months largely because they are built on lies and deceit and not true values like their marriage was built on (at least in most cases).

Everyone has to make their own decision to hold back getting a D, or go through with it. You know your own heart & mind, and if you feel you could never get past the betrayal and forgive her for the affair.......then getting a D is probably best. It takes a lot of forgiveness. And some WW's have a lot of stubborn pride that holds them back from being humble and remorseful. When that's the case, they don't want to do the work that's required to piece the M back together again. They prefer to act as if the A never took place. But that's sweeping it under the rug, and the M can't heal. I call it false pride, b/c they (WW) cling to old resentments and use them to hold over the H's head, especially if he blames her for the A. So, she has to let go of all that old stuff that she's carried around for a long time. Forgiveness has to come from both spouses, before any progress is accomplished in the MR.

I've made the decision to hold back on filing. The ball is in her court to file, which I'm pretty confident she will be doing soon (within the next couple of week). I know I could get past the affair and the betrayal and forgive her, but she has to be willing to show remorse. She has to show me through actions, not just words that she is truly sorry and wants to work on our relationship. I did not force her to have an affair, nobody did. It was a conscious decision she made. However, she also has to be able to forgive me for my contributions to the marriage breaking down.

I've also come up with conditions she must meet for reconciliation, and they are as follows:

[list]
[*]She must get an STD test [*]She must have a proper pregnancy test at an OBGYN [*]She must agree to MC [*]She must agree to IC [*]She must cut off ALL contact with the OM. Which in this case would require her to find a new job OR relocate to a different store

If she will not accept those terms, I can't believe she is truly remorseful and willing to work on our marriage. To me, it would just mean I was option B - which I am not. I did talk to my DB coach regarding my terms and she thinks they are fair given the situation.

BTW, she is responsible for having an A. She needs to accept responsibility for the A before real reconciliation takes place. Don't let her put that blame on you (should she try), and don't you accept blame for it. You have your own faults for your part of the breakdown in the MR, but only the affair partners are responsible for their actions.

As I mention above, I completely agree. I will not accept blame for the affair. I will absolutely accept blame for my contributions to the breakdown of our marriage, but never for her actions.

Hold your head up, but don't become self-righteous. I could understand, after having three women to cheat on you, but I hope this experience won't harden your heart.

I've never held my head higher in life than I am right now. It's a great feeling having my confidence back along with addressing my codependency. Those two things alone have made me realize my self-worth, something I questioned frequently in my last few relationships.

I actually performed an exercise with one of my therapists where we wrote down the character and personality traits of the last three women I've been with. There was definitely some overlap which helped me realize I was not the issue. In this specific case, in addition to the traits my wife shared with those women, she also lacks maturity and perspective along with having a VERY difficult childhood (I won't go into detail, but it is among some of the worst things I've ever heard) that she never dealt with. She refused to go to therapy and wouldn't even tell her own mother.

Knowing all of this has made me realize I can't fix others (my codependency, doh!), but I can fix myself. I've had numerous friends and family members who have known me for a long time compliment my changes, despite me never telling them I was making them. It feels good knowing they notice the changes because it shows me that what I'm doing is working.