WW, A ended, but struggling to reconnect (My 11th)

[hoosjim]

I'm a little dumbfounded by that question, and I am not able to figure out why she would ask you.

Context: In one of our sessions a couple of weeks back, I had said something that upset W, not exactly what, but something that W interpreted as calling into question her commitment and motivations. At that time, MC had acknowledged that I had valid concerns but that the way I asked the question to my W was "not helpful". Flash forward to Wednesday... In my IC session, I tell MC that I see the things W is doing, but that I still have scars and trigger points and that some of these are problematic but I am not always sure how to broach them with W in a way that won't cause damage or sabotage our progress or otherwise be "not helpful".

In particular, I cite W's beach trip last july immediately following a family beach trip, where she drove out to supposedly meet bff and another gf for a girls weekend. I found out shortly thereafter that OM had been at same beach at same time staying not 3 blocks away. W maintained at the time and again the one other time I brought it up, (after our big blow-up/confrontation/reset where I discovered phone, she fessed up and broke down and broke all contact with OM and plead to "work on us") that she "had nothing to say" about that and "hadn't seen" OM there. I found and still fiND it impossible to believe, given the closeness of the R between her and OM and bff that they each did not know the other was going to be there, and I find it only slightly less implausible that they did not plan to and indeed see each other while there. But W never copped to this and I gave her at least 2 or 3 chances, explicitly, and other chances implicitly. Note that that incident preceded our "reset" and her "no contact" commitment, and so would generally be covered under the umbrella of "everything that came before"

I tell IC that girls weekends are a trigger point with me, and that, in particular, if she asked to go with bff to beach this year, which I anticipate, I am not sure I could accept that... given that W has not come clean about last years' trip. I remind IC that i value my wifes recent openness with me, that there is nothing W could tell me about the A that occurred in that pre-reset timeframe that would affect my desire to reconcile, and that when my W DID tell me gard or difficult things or confess "wrongs" to me, especially difficult ones, that there were few things that built more trust in me for her. However, conversely, W's failure to confess this one particular incident was troubling to ne, that i kept thinking about it, and that it would definitely become a big button pusher for me if W wanted to go meet bff at beach this year. IC said it is right and normal for me to have concerns, that, AFAIK, w was NOT going to try to go to beach this year, but, if she proposed that in future, I would have to decide WON I could live with her answer if she continued to deny any knowledge or contact during that July beach weekend. Additionally, given that, she said I should think then, as I always should, whether or not asking that question was liable to help or hurt our reconciliation efforts and weigh that against my own unease and piece of mind. She (MC) never advised me to not bring up issues or problems I had, thst i had yo be trur to myself and who i am, but just to 1) consider the impact before I do so, 2) don't bring such things up in anger, but consider the best way to do so if I do bring them up and 3) guage/evaluate the results afterwards.

Generally speaking, she wants us focused on the future and moving forward and what a successful reconcilliation would look like for us and focused on particular goals... colored and informed of course by what came before, but she wants primary focus on where we are going. This does not mean, she was quick to add, burying the past.