So I asked this in the other thread, but no one responded. If she is open to small shows of affection (hand holding, hugging, kisses goodbye and hi, back rubs, etc) should I be initiating? Or is this counter to detaching?
No you should never initiate those with a WAS. She is NOT open to that, and she will view it as you being weak, pathetic and needy. DON'T DO IT. You want to project a strong alpha image. You want to show that you are confident and do not need her.
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I ask because one of her complaints over the course of the marriage was lack of non-sexual contact and affection. Like I said, my sitch is a little unique (even though she is a typical WW) and detaching might have the opposite effect that it has on other Ws.
Oh man if I had a dollar for every time I've heard that on these forums Your sitch isn't unique at all, and detaching will not have the opposite effect that you think it will. That is just you trying to justify wrong behavior to yourself. DB'ing is counterintuitive, meaning it goes against what you -think- you should do to get her back. Here's the problem, she doesn't love you right now. She doesn't even like you and could even hate you. I know that's tough to wrap your head around but it's reality. Imagine how someone who hates you would respond to you trying to hold hands with them, or kiss them or give them a back rub. They would be REPULSED. That is where she is right now. You try that stuff and it will just push her away and probably even gross her out. So instead you have to pull back and give her space and make yourself the spouse only a fool would leave. She's going to need to see a fantastic, strong, awesome you FROM A DISTANCE before she'll start being attracted to you again. You need to be that good-looking guy across the room at a party that is talking people up and having a great time and just happens to catch her looking your way now and then and you flash her a smile and keep going about your business.
Your sitch isn't unique at all, and detaching will not have the opposite effect that you think it will. That is just you trying to justify wrong behavior to yourself. DB'ing is counterintuitive, meaning it goes against what you -think- you should do to get her back. Here's the problem, she doesn't love you right now. She doesn't even like you and could even hate you. I know that's tough to wrap your head around but it's reality. Imagine how someone who hates you would respond to you trying to hold hands with them, or kiss them or give them a back rub. They would be REPULSED. That is where she is right now. You try that stuff and it will just push her away and probably even gross her out. So instead you have to pull back and give her space and make yourself the spouse only a fool would leave. She's going to need to see a fantastic, strong, awesome you FROM A DISTANCE before she'll start being attracted to you again. You need to be that good-looking guy across the room at a party that is talking people up and having a great time and just happens to catch her looking your way now and then and you flash her a smile and keep going about your business.