Hi Apothem, I saw you wave at me on another thread and I've read about your situation. Really sorry for you and your son. I agree with the advice your DB coach has given you. Currently, I don't see much else you could be doing......without making things worse.
Do you feel getting the D will help you move on? Many people believe they can't detach emotionally unless/until they are legally divorced. I suppose everyone is a little different, but so far, I don't remember anyone saying that it helped with their emotional pain.
Your coach is correct about these things taking time. I can't even remember right now, but I think my affair lasted somewhere between 9 - 12 months. It may sound strange to hear me say I can't remember, but I don't think about the affair anymore......except when I make reference to it on the board. I don't think about the OM. There was a time, right after I ended the A, I wondered if I would ever be able to get him out of my head. So you see, things can turn back around, but it definitely takes time.
Everyone has to make their own decision to hold back getting a D, or go through with it. You know your own heart & mind, and if you feel you could never get past the betrayal and forgive her for the affair.......then getting a D is probably best. It takes a lot of forgiveness. And some WW's have a lot of stubborn pride that holds them back from being humble and remorseful. When that's the case, they don't want to do the work that's required to piece the M back together again. They prefer to act as if the A never took place. But that's sweeping it under the rug, and the M can't heal. I call it false pride, b/c they (WW) cling to old resentments and use them to hold over the H's head, especially if he blames her for the A. So, she has to let go of all that old stuff that she's carried around for a long time. Forgiveness has to come from both spouses, before any progress is accomplished in the MR.
BTW, she is responsible for having an A. She needs to accept responsibility for the A before real reconciliation takes place. Don't let her put that blame on you (should she try), and don't you accept blame for it. You have your own faults for your part of the breakdown in the MR, but only the affair partners are responsible for their actions.
Hold your head up, but don't become self-righteous. I could understand, after having three women to cheat on you, but I hope this experience won't harden your heart.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
