So I dropped the ball tonight big style. I had it all in my mind about distance and the 180s etc. And out of the blue she said "I can't carry on like this with this atmosphere any more" I then said to her that I cannot control how she feels and that she has decide and tell me what she wants. She then said that I am looking at her like shes a piece of [censored], I should have walked away, but I then explained how I can only control what I can do, not what she wants to do. She then said I've got colder, we then bavk and forthed- no shouting or anger from me, just calm focus on repeating the message. I also said that while she continues to show no fight for the marriage I didn't understand how she wants me to communicate with her. I did set one boundary and that is that I will not allow our failing R to begin to impact the children, so no conversation in front of the children and absolutely no criticising or belittling and the constant snide remarks. She is carrying so much resentment it is defo not displaying any emotion toward me Aaarrgghh
M(41), W(37) S (6) D (4) S (2) M-8, T-12 W "I don't love you, I am in love with another man" "I don't know you anymore"
Seems i started a trend today with my failed DB. Sorry man. However her reaction proved your detaching was/ is working. Spouses go through stages as they try to deal with the change.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I realize you are in a state of concussion. I'm not sure if you understand why you are confused. It is b/c you are focused on your WW. You are weighing her words and trying to make sense of it all. A wayward wife does not make sense! She does not think logically. You have allowed her to determine your happiness, and your actions. While this is true for most people in love, when a spouse turns wayward, you must depend upon your values, principles, standards, spiritual beliefs, morals, etc,.......to maintain sanity and have a sense of balance and order in your home and in your life.
As the head of your home, you must be the leader. Instead of relying upon what your W says, or waiting for her to decide what she wants.......you need to lead in what you believe is best. If she follows, that's wonderful. If she rebels against you and against her M, then it is up to you to set boundaries. Not as a means to control her, but to protect yourself and your home from the pain she inflicts.
A wayward person does not respect their spouse. Your W's feelings of love for you, is tied to the level of respect she has for you as a man. If she loses respect for you as a man, she will lose love for you, as well. Therefore, when a W is wayward, that means she has lost respect and feelings of love for her H. Her heart is filled with resentment, disrespect, and rebellion. You are currently experiencing those results. Instead of killing yourself to prove to her how much you love her, you must become a man she will respect. If the respect comes first, the love will follow.
With every action and interaction with your W, you should be seen in a position of strength. Why? B/c the WW has respect for only one thing........and that is strength. Currently your W sees you as weak. If she can manipulate you, then she sees you being much weaker than she is. Women want their men stronger than they are. So, she will test your strength. A WW constantly tests your strength. That is why you must be concerned and focused on your position as being of strength. I don't mean like a tyrant, but as a strong leader and loving husband.
Over the time I've been here, I'd say the majority of H's who have wayward wives are men who have the nice guy syndrome. If you research the term, I think you will see yourself.
Keeping that in mind, I want to move toward the subject of you doing the housework and cooking. There have been H's who supported their families while the W stayed home. Then when the H got home from work, he did the cooking, cleaning, laundry, taking care of the kids getting ready for bed..........so the hard working SAHM could rest. Although it may sound as if the H is a very loving and thoughtful man, he is actually serving his W as if he were her maid/cook/nanny. If she is not ill, or there is not some other factor involved, then he is not going to get the results you might think he should. I mean, a normal woman would surely be very appreciative to have a H who would come home and do her work, too. Yes, that's true. If there is more to do than she can handle, or if she's had a bad day, then she will appreciate such a H. But what happens when the H does all the work every day?
You said this is the way it's always been, and referred to it as "the unwritten rule". That tells me something about your W. It tells me that from the very beginning she had you doing her work at home. And you would do it b/c you thought it would put her in a better mood, or put you in a more favorable position with her. You made excuses to yourself, just like you made here.....about her working hard to take care of the kids. But the truth is that she has one child to take care of during the day. Apparently the dishes have gone unwashed, and she hasn't started anything toward dinner, or the laundry, and the other kids can't take a bath,.......b/c it all waits for Daddy to do when he gets home from working all day.
Now you may wonder why I bring this up and what does it have to do with the condition of your MR. Well first let me say that helping out at home is fine. In fact, I think fathers should help with the children, as well as other things. If the W has a full time job away from the house, then they should share in house/cooking duties. However, if she is a SAHM, and when more than the lion's share is left for him to do after he has worked all day......something is wrong with that picture. To cut this shorter I'll just say that you have spoiled her, or else, she has manipulated you into this situation of you having everything to do. The results are you having a W who is not appreciative and she does not respect you.......b/c she feels entitled. Perhaps it was your way of showing her how much you love her.......but it has caused you losing her respect to some degree (maybe to a huge degree). If I had to guess, this is not the only issue that has caused a loss of respect, but we will have to learn more as we go.
So.........you should make this one of your 180's. I'm not suggesting you make a grand pronouncement that you are now doing 180's. I see a lot of H's using the DB language from the board to pass along or communicate to his WW, and it doesn't work so well, b/c she's not the one here getting the tools. So, no more grand pronouncements about yourself to your WW......b/c, frankly, she does not care. She will just think you are sounding weird. Okay? Just do the action, and she'll get the picture.
In this particular instance, I suggest you cut down on what you've been doing. If you want to help the kids get ready for bed, then do it. If you actually LOVE to cook, then do it. But the rest of the work should be left for her. You pick up after yourself, and instruct the kids to do the same. Make sense? Just don't start doing all that other stuff. Make this an 180. No explanations. No excuses. If she asks why you didn't wash dishes, simply tell her you didn't want to......but don't sound like a sullen child. Talk like a man.
And, when the kids go to bed, you can leave the house. Tell the W you are going out for a while. Don't know where, or any other details......."just out". (Another 180). She will ask questions, b/c she'll be curious. Keep her that way.
If you think this is going to make you uncomfortable, then I'm pretty sure you are going to have a hard time enforcing boundaries. However, when a H has a WW, he must set boundaries, or she will walk all over him. Have you read the boundary link? A boundary and an ultimatum are not the same. Never set a boundary you are ready to enforce by some action on your part. We can talk more about boundaries next time.
What are some other 180's you plan to do?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I will repeat the affirmation that I am a better man through small consistent actions.
I will no longer do things to try and please her.
Until she genuinely make an effort to seem to want to save the M then I will not pursue her anymore.
I have set about defining some GALs I have signed up for a emotional wellness group for myself and a local families need fathers group
I will be pleasant but not overly talkative- I struggle with this as I am usually the talkative/ funny jokey one!
I will focus on the stuff in my life which is working (I have lost 2 stones in weight through diet and exercise while she is stuffing her face with comfort food)
I will enjoy every moment with my children and schedule activities with them- with or without her
I will keep myself busy- not allow myself to wallow in self pity and morose. This might be things like reading or even practical things that need doing around the house.
I will persevere and stick through thick and thin and if she wants to allow her resentment to bubble over then I will be calm and kill her with kindness.
I will do all this in the hope that she will take notice but I will NEVER ask her if she has noticed as she is the type who will spot the fakeness a mile off.
As for boundaries, I really need to read up a lot more on the language to use- I assume most of you people are in the US right? Well I am in the UK so I get the phrases may be *slightly* different
Finally I want to convey a message that I am ready to move on with or without her.
I am off to do some more reading about boundaries and how to communicate them, in terms of setting boundaries here is what I have set so far:
If she does want to salvage our marriage she must cut all contact with OM (yet I know for sure she is still friends with him on fb!)
She must not disrespect me in our M
She must not criticize or belittle me in front of the children ANY talk of our R or M must not be in front of them
When at her parents (who despise me) she must not discuss any M problems while the children are there (when I spoke with her about this she started having a go and told me to f** o**
Things I havent yet discussed:
She must never again take the children for sleepovers at GPs without discussing it with me first
She must understand that the situation we are in is fraught and that she needs to be patient and not talk to me in an angry manner (as I will definitely not get angry anymore)
Any feedback gratefully received as ever!
M(41), W(37) S (6) D (4) S (2) M-8, T-12 W "I don't love you, I am in love with another man" "I don't know you anymore"
She must not disrespect me in our M I will not accept being disrespected or my marriage being disrespected
She must not criticize or belittle me in front of the children ANY talk of our R or M must not be in front of them I will not tolerate being belittled in front of the children. I will not discuss the M/R in front of the children
When at her parents (who despise me) she must not discuss any M problems while the children are there (when I spoke with her about this she started having a go and told me to f** o** I will protect my children from hearing slander about me or the M/R
Things I havent yet discussed:
She must never again take the children for sleepovers at GPs without discussing it with me first I will be aware of where my children are sleeping.
She must understand that the situation we are in is fraught and that she needs to be patient and not talk to me in an angry manner (as I will definitely not get angry anymore) I will not engage in a discussion where I am being talked to with hostility
Think of the boundaries as a boundary around YOU. Not around HER.
. I meant to say, confusion.
