Well it has been a long while since I last posted. In that time I have looked inward as to what has held me back from doing what is needed to be done and all I can honestly say is fear. As much as I tried to deny it, it has been fear of losing my family, losing my wife and losing the life that I had once known. I realize now that I have already lost most of those things and I need to start healing my wounds and building myself a new life.
I had a conversation last week with my W and explained to her that this situation is not working for me anymore and that we have been living separated but under the same roof and the time has come for me to physically separate to start putting my life back together. I gave her 2 weeks to figure out if she wanted to stay in the house and I would take my half of the equity and move out or if she wanted her half and she move out. She tried to give me the "I don't know what I want" excuse. I explained that while I understand that this will be hard for both of us, it is something that is needed to be done. I also mentioned that once I am set up, I would want 50% custody of our S8 as my D18 is an adult in college and is old enough to make her own decisions as to who she will see in a schedule that works for her. My door for her is always open. She started crying but after the conversation was done I calmly walked away.
So it has been a week since this convo and man has she gotten so cold towards me. I truly beginning to realize now what everyone here has been saying to me this whole time. All the closeness that she was showing me over the past few months has been a facade and just a way to keep me emotionally attached.
On the other hand, my apartment hunt has been an adventure that has left me questioning what can I really afford. While I want to find my own place I do not want to be tied for a year to something that is too small for me and my son. I have opted to stay at a friends house in our town for 2 months and then lock an apartment up. This will work to my advantage as my W's car will be paid off at that time and I will have a great deal more money each month to put towards rent.
One more week to go for her to decide and then my future should start to become a little clearer to me. I must admit I am still a little scared but just at the uncertainty of my future at the moment. I also am beginning to find a little excitement in the unknown. I just want to say thank you for all the brutal honesty you have shown me. I understand it was always meant to help me.
