A deer head trophy is not enough of a reason to end a marriage...
Very true. However, mounted deer heads have caused marital strife for a long time. Most of the time we guys want to hang our trophy in the living room. Most of the time the wife isn't having it.
I know my wife wasn't thrilled with my first deer mount hanging in the living room. A buddy of mine had an on going battle with his wife. She would take it down when he wasn't around. He'd put it back up. She'd take it down, he'd put it back up.
But as you say it just isn't important. If hanging it somewhere else will make for marital peace, then hang it somewhere else!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Yes... our marriage is not in trouble solely based on deer trophy, but it's just one more stick to add to the fire of unhappiness.
I'm sure my story isn't much differeny from many. Once a spouse starts to question their marriage they start collecting all of their grievance and making a list. Sometimes even taking prior positives and twisting them.
It all started with physical neglect and when I started to pull away from him rather than asking what's going on with me he internalized it as me saying he wasn't good enough, he was inadequate and that bred self doubt and loathing and eventually why was he driving 120 miles a day to be with someone who he thought didn't love him
Have I ever bwitched and demeaned my husband for something stupid and trivial. Yes. I am not proud and when I apologized for that I gave specific instances where I crossed the line. I actually had this talk before he BD me.
Overall I have been very accomadating to my husband in last 4 months. In general I try to show pleasantness. I stop what I'm doing and listen to him. If he asks questions I answer and I am not vague or elusive... he has complained of that in the past. I try not to ask very many questions of him and when he is elusive in response I do my best not to let it trigger me.
IDK... is this making any sense?
Yes and I see you are aware. That is great on your part. You apologized, so no need to do that again.
in my opinion, there is a good chance he is gaslighting... she is not perfect, of course--but neither is he... but the failure of the marriage seems to rest solely on her... something is amiss here... and because he had PAs and EAs in his first marriage, i do not count it out that he just wants out of this marriage just because, like JujuB said, "he is not a committed person... he is looking for excuses."
i would like to know more about how he was toward her in the marriage... how much interest did he show in her and her passions? it's obvious he is not an adequate communicator... he didn't share his pain until he was ready to walk... i think, all-in-all, his needs are greater than her needs...
The dictionary's definition of gaslighting is "to manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity"
Wikipedia defines it as "a form of manipulation that seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or group, hoping to make them question their own memory, perception, and sanity."
An article in Psychology Today describes it as "a deliberate pattern of manipulation calculated to make the victim trust the perpetrator while doubting his or her own perceptions or sanity, similar to brainwashing."
This is not what is happening here based on what Kitcat has written.
Her H may be rewriting history a bit. He may even be outright making things up to fit his reality. Or to him, he may be describing his reality of things that have built up over time.
No one has said he was the perfect H, just like no one said she was the perfect W. Hence the saying "it takes two to tango."
These two, have definately done the dance. They have each been guilty of not listening to each other, not meeting each other's needs, and of other things that have damaged their relationship I am sure.
But gaslighting....not something that I believe happened and I don't think we should be trying to convince Kitcat of it. We should be trying to help her find her footing so she can make her own decisions.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
in my opinion, there is a good chance he is gaslighting... she is not perfect, of course--but neither is he... but the failure of the marriage seems to rest solely on her... something is amiss here... and because he had PAs and EAs in his first marriage, i do not count it out that he just wants out of this marriage just because, like JujuB said, "he is not a committed person... he is looking for excuses."
i would like to know more about how he was toward her in the marriage... how much interest did he show in her and her passions? it's obvious he is not an adequate communicator... he didn't share his pain until he was ready to walk... i think, all-in-all, his needs are greater than her needs...
we shall see how this plays out...
Labeling it to me, seems to be focusing on the past..
This site is built on the premise of..
From this day forward..
So label it as you may...
I am still not seeing the INTENTIONAL act of trying to F with her...
To him ??
His needs ARE greater than hers...
Same as her needs - to her- are greater than his...
I truly think that the downfall of the marriage, was played equally as well by each person...
And while his words have been that he wants out, his actions haven't exactly been matching that....
I would like to bring the focus back around a bit here...
Because I agree with Mach, the blame game can go on forever...
Your H has complaints about the marriage, that have led him to saying he wants to be alone...
I am sure that you too have complaints about the marriage (because anyone who doesn't have something they wish were different, is lying), although you still want to remain married.
You have told the story and share information based on your perspective. If we were to hear your H tell us about the exact same conversation...it would probably sound quite different.
You are here, he is not.
So all we can do is focus on you.
I think it is a great thing for us to be introspective. Looking in the mirror, owning your own faults, wanting to change those things, and actually making changes, does nothing except make us better people.
Throughout all of it, we may also become better partners. Personally, it is something I think we should always be doing in our lives, regardless of the state of any relationship we have.
A dear friend of mine who used to post here had a saying that is something that has become a sort of mantra in my life for acceptance and a desire for improvement. It is...
We do our best with the tools we have at the time. When we have better tools, we do better.
DB is about getting better tools. Better listening skills, better communication skills, stopping reactions and replacing them with conscious actions, and many more.
You asked several times about how to answer your H when he asks questions about where you are going etc...
I thought I gave you and answer but I don't really think I was clear enough...
So here is an example...
H: Where are you going?
You: I am going to the coffee shop for a little while.
End of conversation. Although I did like the response Deckard gave you if there is a need for elaboration.
There is just too many details in your response. Too much room for debate or argument to ensue. One of the things that used to be said around here was "be mysterious."
Like Mach said, Db is about from this day forward...
I still think you need to get off the rollercoaster and stop yourself from spinning before you can even begin to do anything else.
So I will ask you again, to take some time, put on music you enjoy, soak in a bath, bake some cookies, curl up and read a good book. Anything that will take the focus off your M and your H, and put it on something that makes you feel good.
Have you seen the movie Fireproof? Might want to check it out.
The come back here and tell us how it felt.
You have to take care of Kitcat and get your house in order before you can do anything else.
Cat
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
