So when he threw out MC a few years ago I didn't think he was serious. I thought it was reactive. It wasn't during a calm conversation. It was right after a disagreement. It felt like a dig? I knew he had a bad experience in MC in his first marriage. We were having some words and he said something about MC and I said we don't need MC and then he said I should IC because I need to be talking to someone. I think he must have felt shut out? He never brought it up again. EVER.
I'm not sure I understand your question about the guns?
I thought from my view I always supported my husband hunting. I never whined or would take time from him during hunting season. I really thought his pursuit in hunting and fishing was to have alone time. I think now he would have liked me going out on the boat here and there and just reading while he fished. I wish I had.
I've tried to ask more questions about hunting stuff without coming across as smothering. He will start talking about this firearm or that one that he has or ammunition and I have trouble following but I listen. I just have nothing to add. I don't talk that way to my H about it. I listen and I try to ask a question here and there. Its not that I want to go hunting with husband but somehow he thought I was NOT supportive of him. Its true that we quarreled over a deer head trophy in the house and I wasn't being supportive when he first expressed interest in butchering his own deer but I have since apologized and realized that I was not allowing him to be the person he truly was. I explained that as his wife I should be his biggest cheerleader when he is trying to pursue his passions.
i think the point Deckard was making about the rambling about guns is that you used the word rambling... i don't take issue with the word, but perhaps there is some truth behind it in that as your H "rambles" or talks about guns, you convey--even unwillingly--an attitude of "this again?" or "please get passed the rambling about the guns already." something like that...
if your H wanted you to join him while he was hunting, he should have invited you... you shouldn't have to now guess whether or not your missed some hidden desire of his... i could see that he felt you were not supportive of his hunting because of how you reacted to the deer head trophy and the butchering of his own meat--but not because you didn't volunteer to join him...
so, are you the one who likes to knit? i find myself confusing you with Meg, who is in a similar situation as you... if yes--may i ask how interested your H has been in your knitting? has he been one to ask you about it, talk about it with you? what about other interests of yours... how interested has he been in your interests throughout the years? i am sorry but, some of your shortcomings, in the way you describe them, seem petty... to me it seems your H is making your shortcomings out to be much more than they are... i don't know that for sure, but that's what i see... in my opinion, you did NOT do enough damage to the marriage that your H just can't stay in it without working through it... you are not abusive... you are not battling addiction... you have not been unfaithful... i will say it again, i think he is gaslighting you, and you are buying it...
Uhm... no I don't think "here he goes again rambling". I listen but I'm clearly clueless.
He did ask me once about joining him on his boat but I thought he just really wanted alone time. I have never been on the boat.
He has taken some interest in things that I do but that has waned over the years. He asked me to make a specific blanket for him which I did and he loves. Uses it daily!!! I once made a scarf for him and he used to wear that all the time but I haven't seen it out in a few years. I get busy at the end of the year because I will knit items to sell. Mostly he is burned out over knitting because he thinks I chose that over holding his hand.
Its so odd because the one thing I wanted - calmness with the kids at home. He would constantly be on someone's case - his kids, my kids but fine with me... NOW he is great with EVERYONE BUT ME... :-( He has improved his relationship with son tremendously. He is even more calm in dealing with EW. Its a breath of fresh air... but now I'm the enemy?
There has been ALOT of drama over the years with EW and his kids. I'm sure like every parent out there if I had to do things over again I would probably make some different choices in a lot of things.
He spent the last 2yr telling me his kids hated me. That gutted me. I'm sure they may not have been 100% happy here - divorce [censored] and there was a lot of animosity between H and EW. SS18 is now nearly out of the house and isn't here as much but I did start the work to repair our relationship several months earlier. I texted him regularly. I took the initiative to invite him to dinner with us at our home and made sure he wasn't avoiding our home because of anything I had done personally - he said no. When he came to dinner my husband stayed in the bedroom. I sat with SS18 and had small talk and general talk until diner was ready. I have since been talking to him and planned another family day of fun with go-karts and he is completely on board to come and spend the day with us. I've made sure my H knew of my intentions and got his okay before making contact with SS18.
I've improved my relationship with SD16. We have been having "girl time" for several months now.
I know his kids don't hate me. I know this. When I let H know that this week he would say... well that's what they told me... and then he backed down to... well they haven't said that for awhile.
I'm all over the map...
Yes - Meg and I have almost identical issues at this point in time. I see it so clearly - that's me when I read her posts.
Its clear that my husband is definitely better at detaching than I am. That's where he is at right now. In his words - he is burnt out.
As you posted on my thread, I do see quite a few similarities in both of our sitch. We have been married 22 years, 4 kids, H says I "shut him out" after the birth of our first, and after so many years of "fighting" for the girl he married to come back, he had to shut of his emotions to stop hurting.
The more I reflect and look into myself, I don't think I changed quite as much as he thinks. I think he just wasn't expecting my attention to be divided. I could just be grasping.
But I understand how hard it is to detach. I do ok, especially with texting, I don't text him at all during the day, unless to respond to him (which, if it's MR- related, I shouldn't take the bait, but I do). I don't talk to him much at home, I don't ask where he's going or where he's been. But boy, went I made plans with a girlfriend the other day, he was mighty curious. I just gave him breadcrumbs. I know I still have a lot of work to do though. And it will get easier to detach when H moves out next week, as much as I don't want it, it will make GAL easier.
Hang in there, you can do it. If you're home at the same time, be in a separate room from him, if that makes it easier to detach. You got this.
Ugh... that went badly. Came home made H dinner. He got up and said... your not eating? I said no and before I could finish he said I'm not eating either... I won't have you holding this over my head.
In the past when we had arguments I would say but I do this and that for you... :-(
It blew up but I tried validating... I know it must be frustrating when I've made you feel that way in the past. If wasn't my intention and certainly not tonight. I enjoy man I g you dinner so you can eat before you head to work. H says so that makes up for all the years before? I said no. I cannot change past I can only do things different here on out. Then our favorite phrase comes up... H says past behavior is best predictor of future behavior.
He asked where I was going. I replied coffee shop downtown... he belts out you don't even drink coffee.
I said I have some reading to do and trying to get a hold of X. Trying lead on extra work. H says why another job? I saw because he is so stressed about money right now. H says he doesn't have the money to do what he needs.... I say... money to leave me? H says nothing but that me getting a second job is stupid.
I just got an F in DB.
At one point when I was leaving H said fine... no one in this house likes each other. I said I like you. He said my actions don't show it.
How don't my actions show it? He wouldn't be specific.
Last edited by Cadet; 03/06/1803:36 AM. Reason: Combine posts
I said no. I cannot change past I can only do things different here on out.
I said the same thing to my H yesterday, when he again brought up me shutting down after the birth of our first child. I also said that if It leads us back together, even better.
This detaching is extremely hard, especially when they're still at home. I, like you, don't think there is an OW, yet. But then, I could be wrong.
GAL is hard, I've put my entire being into my kids the last 20 years (part of our issue, but H never tried to join us, or take some of it from me, either). I didn't know where to start. So I went throughy phone contacts, picked a few people I trust, and reached out (VERY hard for me, I a very private person). I picked good.
Try going the your phone contacts, anyone that you've enjoyed hanging out with in the past? Reach out, tell them your sitch, tell them you need help GAL.
My close friends are not close geographically. I just can't go hang. I joined a woman's group and have my first outing on Saturday... H is going to throw a fit but what else can I do? He doesn't want to see or talk to me. I will no one one but the lady hosting seems super sweet!
I was also going to be brave and head to a Yoga Before Beer at a brewery.... going alone and knowing no one. Dear Lord don't let me chickeSweet!
I love being a home body. I love doing my husband's laundry, making him dinner, and keeping the house clean. At some stupid point I left him feeling I hold it over his head. I mean yes when we had arguments before I would say but I do this and that for you. I really just wanted to be appreciated but that's not what he took from that.
At one point when I was leaving H said fine... no one in this house likes each other. I said I like you. He said my actions don't show it.
How don't my actions show it? He wouldn't be specific.
Did you try anything like "H, I heard you about wanting to be alone and I'm doing what I can to give that to you. I have things to do and I thought this would be an opportunity, however small, to give you the time and space to do what you need to do." and end the discussion by leaving.
KitCat, I also think you missed what I was saying on the 'rambles' piece. It wasn't about the guns or understanding. It was about the way you talk to and about your H that I was trying to understand. I think your H lives for the hunting/outdoors stuff. Maybe you used that because you are on an anonymous board, or maybe that is the way you describe his passions to other.
The reason I brought it up is because being here is about being the best you that you can be. Do you see how minimizing that to H or others might be something you need to work on?
And let me say that based on your posts, there is a lot H needs to work on. For example, in your first post you wrote that H said he can't love himself so how can he love you? Wow. Lots to work on. But you can't control H to make him work on himself and he isn't here and we can't help H either. He needs to want to work on himself.
But you are here. So this is about you being the best you. And maybe I'm nitpicking on one word. Only you know how you talk to and about H.
Last edited by Cadet; 03/07/1812:02 AM. Reason: Combine posts
I couldn't get the words out. It just became so heated so quickly. And, I know my H. The minute he asked where I was going and I said the coffee shop... he said but you don't even like coffee. I knew he would say that.
I tried to validate him. Not sure he even heard me. So I went ahead and left. I waited an hour so I was calm and collected. I then texted him that statement. Not proud that I texted it to him and I prayed he would not respond. I was in no mood or position to travel down a road that always leads to R. I do not want to talk a out R with H anytime soon.
He did not respond and that was a relief.
I guess I'm clueless as I still don't know what you mean by how I talk to and about H.
I only mention the hunting/outdoors stuff as an example. If I talk about H at work 9 time out of 10 I'm bragging about him. I love that our interests are diversified. I never wanted to marry a version of me as that would be quite boring. I always thought his outgoingness complemented my quiet reserve but I'm sure I never told him that in those words.
I did make the mistake of not recognizing how important a hunting trophy was and to him it came across as I was rejecting that part of him. I had already apologized but the damage was done. I hoped every time he went out this season be would vet that trophy buck but it didn't happen this year.
Have I ever bwitched and demeaned my husband for something stupid and trivial. Yes. I am not proud and when I apologized for that I gave specific instances where I crossed the line. I actually had this talk before he BD me.
Overall I have been very accomadating to my husband in last 4 months. In general I try to show pleasantness. I stop what I'm doing and listen to him. If he asks questions I answer and I am not vague or elusive... he has complained of that in the past. I try not to ask very many questions of him and when he is elusive in response I do my best not to let it trigger me.
