LRT -

[joejoe1]

Gisela,

You have to grieve the old M, it's dead and gone. The faster you realize that the faster the healing start. You are having a hard time detaching because you are holding on to the old M. You have to start to focus on healing and working on a new R and future new M. As long as you hold on to the old one you will not be giving your all to healing yourself and giving yourself the best chance to create a new and better M.

There's no going back.

And yes, detaching is one of the hardest thing you are going to have to do, it's that way for most of us. Letting go of something you have made such a high priority of your life is never easy, but the only way to get to the progress is letting go.

[Gisela]

Joejoe1, your feedback makes me think. I'm not sure whether I got it right. Does new R and future new M include a new R with my "former" H? Then this picture to grieve the old M and focus on a potential new R with my "former" H might actually help a lot to detach.

[joejoe1]

G,

What I mean with greive, is get that M out of your system, it's dead. You can't go back to that damage. You and your H have to move into a new season in you'll life and that means a new M. But he has to be willing to go into that new M with you. In order for you to detach to the best of your ability, you have to let go of the thought of saving that old M. The moment you let go of trying to save the old M and work to heal yourself, your H might start to turn his heart back towards you and start working with you to build a new a better M and R.

We as LBS try our hardest to hold onto something that has died, because the pain of letting go is to great. But the freeing yourself comes from allowing that old M and all the goods and bads of that M to stay in your past, and us as LBS stop dragging all the weight and pain behind us trying to revive it.

When you truly let go you will start to feel the difference inside of you. You will feel grace and you will start to accept that you have to move on. I listen to TD Jakes all the time and something he says, we are put in messes all the time in life, but we have to come out of that mess, and to get to the progress we have to go thru the process. Grieving is part of the process.

I sat in my car and cried on a bunch of occasions. I yelled and scream and cursed out everything. Get it out and let it go.

Hardwork ahead

Onward and forward

[NicoleR]

Gisela, I just want to say you have my sympathy. What you’re going through sounds so familiar and it’s so hard, especially at night or when you’re alone. The only thing that’s helped me lately is deepening relationships with other friends who are struggling and really dive into the issues and talk to them every day. Maybe some cope best in solitude but for me it’s through having more support and being there for others in return. Almost everyone has also recommended antidepressants which I still haven’t done but I guess they’re always an option.

[Gisela]

Thank you all. It feels so good to be understood and to share all these emotions. Your perspectives help a lot to think out of my box. Currently, my H seems to pause with online dating and with moving on with separation. So I feel rather fine, don't worry. However, I am strongly grieving for our old life, I am longing for some signal that, somewhere down the road, he might consider to set aside his plan to separate and to divorce, I am afraid of the future to come, and I am feeling so lonesome in the our empty bed (he sleeps in another room).

Let me share another issue I feel rather unsecure how to deal with. Last year, in the middle of our battle, we started to negotiate a marriage contract with the help of a mediator. It was a common idea of my H and me for various reasons. First of all and for the sake of the children, we aimed at avoiding a war of the roses in case of divorce. Before, when quarreling, both of us happened to threaten the other one with various stuff to happen in case of divorce. So I wanted to feel safe in case of divorce. And my H said as long as such threats are an issue, he could't forgive and reconcile anyway. The mediation was successful in regard of results and agreements. The sessions however were horrible. Discussion child custody and so on, I felt separation and divorce so close within reach. Too often, I couldn't help being upset during the sessions and pursuing, begging and so on after the sessions. In the end, the sessions made our relationship even worse. Beginning of December, we agreed to postpone the finalization of the draft contract after christmas. Since then, I do my best LRT possible with ups and downs and the mood between us has improved. My H hasn't answered some open questions with regard to the draft contract yet and he hasn't initiated a date for finalization yet which he was supposed to do. The mediator is now asking me whether he should contact my H to remember him. I am not sure what to answer now.

On the one hand, I'd like more time for my LRT to take effect. I am afraid that another mediation session will worsen our relationship again. And I fear that finalizing the marriage contract is the coffin nail for our M. I fear that he signs it and immediately files for divorce.

On the other hand, I remember what my H said before the mediation, that he could never forgive and reconcile as long as my threats in case of divorce aren't set aside. If I would be able to stay cool during the sessions I could show my H that I don't agree but accept his wish to separate, so I could show detachment. And of course, such marriage contract is in my own interest in case of divorce.

I am walking on eggshells.

[Gisela]

For the moment, I've decided to not let the mediator contact my H and remember him on the time passing by without having finalized the marriage contract. The ball is in the court of my H, so I won't push that but I am patient, rather. I hope I won't regrent that in terms of disadvantages if my H actually moves on with separation. However, if I sense it's necessary I can contact the mediator at any time.

[Gisela]

Another topic. I dived into very interesting books on pursuer distancer patterns and LRT. It makes such a difference whether you have only understood the concepts or whether you start feeling what it is about. What I am struggling with is when my H is unfairly blaming me. For exampe he is telling me about job issues and in parallel I am busy with the children. If I tell him that I cannot focus on both he says that I wouldn't be interested in what he is saying. If I don't tell anything and try to listen he says the same. Another example if he is in bad mood and he treats like if I would be against him like his boss. I have to say that my H is a very fair and balanced person. Only with me, he makes an exception. It is as if he declared me his enemy in order to justify his decision to end the relationship and the marriage. I know that nothing helps against this view of him. It's simply fruitless if I would start justifying or discussing. So I try to get away from such sitch, even if this is hard if you share a common family life. Still, I do not feel well about that. How should my H ever start rethinking our situation and his decision if he has declared me his enemy to be blamed for any bad feelings he has? Sure, I should detach and not care about him for the time being. On the other hand, reading the books I mentioned I've realized that it helps me if I understand better what is going on.

[joejoe1]

Gisela,

One on my LL is words of affirmation. With that being said my W, took a big role in raising the kids and she stop being W and start being mommy. I stop being H and started being soldier. I guess what I'm saying here, my W now knows that she has to come out of mommy mode and give me some priority and that takes a determined effort on her part. The kids are still the main focus, but I get to feel some of her love, when she makes me a priority. I need her to ask me how my day has gone and just listen, I need her to just pay attention and be interested in what i'm telling her. It only takes at most 10 mins, that's how I feel love. That's what fills my love cup. Her asking and listening about my day, her coming out of mommy mode and giving me priority, even if it's for just a few mins.

Have you ever tried to 180 the things he complains about?

Can you give a detail explanation of what your 180s look like here?

Onward and foward

[Gisela]

JoeJoe1, your answer made me thinking. At first, I thought I'd really do my best and that my H is just demanding too much: listening to him for one hour fully focused despite of badly behaving children and, important, without asking any questions. Then I thought, no, it feels like an hour, but it is a quarter, children are badly behaving anyway, and what is so wrong about not asking questions. He often feels investigated, criticized and attacked if I start asking questions even if my intention is to better understand him. But why not just listen? It is not important that I do know each and every tiny background detail. It is important that I listen.

So thank you for making me thinking.

This, however, brings me to another question. I am really suffering because the entire sitch is so ambivalent. He says that he is fully determined to separate. He is refusing absolutely ANY physical contact for one year and has moved out of the MBR. He tried to get to know other women via online dating. Still, he shares so much of his life and thoughts and emotions with me, every day and in addition to raising our children together. We weren't the often seen couple sitting speechless in a restaurant, we used to talk a lot and still do. Unfortunately, he currently refuses to go out with me as a couple without our children. Can you imagine how hard it is for me to do the LRT and to detach in such a situation?

[joejoe1]

Gisela,

Can you elaborate on your 180s? IMO your husband is still undecided. How can you 180 his complaints. Trying downing the opposite of what he told you he dislikes about you. Ambivalent, means he's undecided, so something is still keeping him there. How can you show him that he's just a man they gave you children. I know it gets hard with all the kids running around. Take the time and show him how to help you with the kids, if he don't. I'm telling you this, because this what has helped me. I just took and off hand approach to the kids, and my W resented me for it. Then I started helping out, but I also starting listening to her explain to me and he showing me how to help.

Detaching is hard, I detach while my W was still at the house. But you doing the LRT will be almost impossible. I think you need to rethink the LRT for now. Show you H a person only fool would leave. A woman only a fool would leave. Try to become his W again and not just the mother of his kids. If your H is anything like me, how probably feels like he's second fiddle to the kids and he's the last priority in your life.

How can you start to show your H and confident and positive woman, that don't harbor resentment, and has start to forgive him and move beyond the pass, living in the present and working on the future?

What are your H love languages (LL)? Are you filling his love cup?

Onward and forward