All of makes sense. You are right I am way too emotionally vested still. You are right that I can't trust her answers anyway so why try? The only reason she is still here is because she is cake eating. So I need to figure me out, and then move forward.

I feel so low. My self-esteem is in the toilet. Ironically, I keep looking to her to save me from that. frown The fixer has turned into the fixee. The saver into the one wanting to be saved. The difference is she doesn't care enough to want to fix or save me.

So I have to rely on me. Here are some things I am doing:

-Not allowing my mood to be dictated by her mood. I am actually doing this pretty well. Despite my stumble this morning.

-Staying active and busy. I can amp this up a bit and will look for opportunities to do so moving forward.

-Being attentive and present when home, but not following her around. Not trying to engage her in conversation. Not trying to get her attention. (Again, believe or not this has been going well until my slip up this morning.)

-Getting into IC. Right now we are in MC but I am trying to end that. I don't think her heart is into it. However, I feel that due to my unplugged ways prior to BD I need to tread lightly here. I got some advice to say "I am ending MC because I think it is a waste of time right now. I will be continuing with IC because a lot has happened and I need to process all of it." But I also got advice that as long as she is willing I should continue MC.

My biggest failing is what others on this board struggle with: Not reacting when she says mean or hurtful things. I need to grow a turtle shell and let it bounce off. And practice my validation language.

Any other thought Mach1? Any of the above I need to stop or tweak? Any other suggestions?

M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018