In the meantime, could you please tell me what you think of the two questions you asked two posts ago? You asked them for a reason that seemed important to me. Depending on your response, it might be a clue as to which way I need to go. I have my own thoughts on them, but your viewpoint would be welcomed.
This was a little confusing for you wanting to know my response on my questions, so I don't know if I will give the answers you are seeking. The reason behind those two questions was me trying to decide if it was a case that could be resolved with you simply showing your W more appreciation and attention. That's why I wanted to know how she responded during the time you were taking her flowers and helping around the house more, and then how she acted once you stopped doing those things.
From what I gathered by your answers, the only thing she responded half way positive was when you bought her flowers. Otherwise, I couldn't see much difference in her behavior during the time you showered her with attention.....and when you ended it. Of course, all I have is what you tell us.
You might say that I was trying to give her the benefit of doubt. However, I have little doubt she has the mindset of a WW. She has carried around resentment for a long time. It is very easy for that condition to slide into disrespect.
Again, I'll use the car, b/c that's about the only thing I have currently to demonstrate what I mean. Most of us W's do depend upon our H's to be responsible for maintaining the upkeep of the vehicles. If we detect a strange sound of feel when driving the car, we tell our H's, trusting.......and, yes, expecting him to have it checked out. If it is something he can fix.......great. If he has to take it in to a shop......fine. We just want to have a vehicle that is safe to drive when we need to use it. If the H drags his feet about checking it out, his W could feel a little devalued by his lack of concern for her safety. If he should make the mistake of telling her he found nothing wrong and it must be all in her head........then she's going to feel anger. You said she started complaining last summer, which means it has been several months. I'm just guessing that she felt that her safety must be very low on your priority list, or that you were trying to control her from going out. However, I believe you said you did have it scanned and the mechanic saw no problem. So, you were not totally to blame that the car broke down. . The thing is, she has carried that resentment in her heart for many months .......just about the car. I can nearly feel her fury when the car broke down in route! I don't know how much or how little you explained about having the car checked out. But the problem was that she still had no means to go whenever she wanted. She just wanted a reliable vehicle, and she was fed up waiting on her H, b/c she was seeing the results she wanted. Like I said, this is just one tiny example of how one resentment can be blown out of proportion, and it can quickly turn into disrespect. One resentment builds onto another one. When she has a bed of resentments growing, it's not hard for one little thing to set her off. Her life becomes consumed with resentment toward her H, and until she can forgive him and start working through these unresolved issues, it will be very difficult for him to please her.
So, when the H is ready to turn out the lights at bedtime and make a little nookie.......he's probably going to see nothing but her cold back facing him. Why? B/c she is ticked about something. In this case, it was the car. And if it has been months since the incident, and she is still "tolerating" a kiss/hug from her H..........it's b/c the car incident has been added to her long, long list of grievances against her H. You see, she doesn't really resolve the bad feelings surrounding the entire vehicle situation. She simply pushes it down further in her heart.
Every single woman on the planet may not do this to the same degree. And, it may take much greater or more serious issues to make her feel this anger toward her H. But I will go out on a limb by saying most women have this tendency to push unresolved issues down in their hearts. Now, I will use myself for an example. If I can talk about the problem and express my feelings.....and if my H will communicate with me, then it prevents a lot of stuff being pushed down in my heart. But if he tells me he doesn't want to hear it anymore, or he refuses to acknowledge my feelings.......then it's going to make matters much worse. What am I saying? I am saying I want my feelings validated. The anger, frustration, or hurt will be compounded b/c he has stopped me from talking about what bothers me. That particular problem that upsets me, has been left unresolved, as far as my feelings are concerned. The car may be currently running, but I still have this mess of feelings I am left with to deal. My H would see it like, "The car (the problem) has been fixed, so enough talking about it". But I don't care, b/c it hasn't fixed how it made me feel. Sounds pretty pathetic, doesn't it?
Anyway, if it were not for an A/OM, I think a good pro-marriage counselor might be able to help both of you in learning how to communicate better and how to resolve issues before they get to the point she is screaming and acting crazy. Just learning the differences in how men and women think, can make a huge improvement in a MR.
When the WW has reached the point of acting out her rebellion, like engaging in an affair, then the M is at risk. Any type of an affair needs to be taken deathly serious, b/c it means your MR has died. It means you have already lost her. It means you will not be able to get her back as easily as you got her the first time. B/c this time, she is wayward, and her mindset goes against all logic. That is the first thing the H has to learn and accept. Her thinking is not logical.
So, with all this I've said........I think you need to have a plan of action. By that, I mean a plan of how to deal with your WW. You said option 3 was out. Okay, so you have to choose between the other two. If you choose option 1, then you must stop snooping. If you choose option 2, then I suggest you get enough intell to back up your suspicions (if you are not completely certain). I don't think it is healthy to fall into a habit of snooping or spying, based on the results of what others have written. Once you see or hear it, it's hard to erase from your memory. Plus, some people forget the plan they are suppose to be working ......and all they focus on is snooping. Their life becomes consumed with the activity between their W and OM.
If you go with option 2, you will need to be mentally prepared to get a separation and/or a divorce. She will either deny an affair, tell you it's all in your head, or that they are just friends...........or she'll deny an affair and then proceed to tell you she wants out of the M. As previously discussed, confrontation reveals that you are aware of the affair. You risk her taking the affair deeper unground. Unfortunately, there are apps available that support cheaters. It makes it very difficult to prove an A, if that's what the H is trying to do. For many men, it is important to them that their WW admits to having an A. Don't expect it. It is extremely rare to get admission, even if the H has solid proof. Btw, he should never tell her his source of intell. She can guess till the cows come home, but he is to never....ever tell her how he knows.
Let me comment about boundaries here. If you choose to confront her about an affair, and you tell her you will not stay in an open M (or a M of three, or however you state it), you will have to back up your words when she doesn't end the affair. She will test it. Stating a boundary to your WW is only words. Remember, she does not respect you, and she won't believe you'll follow through with what you say. Enforcing a boundary is when you put action to your words. So, think carefully before you make any grand pronouncements. Several newcomers have rushed into confronting their WW about an A, and would tell her his boundary of no open M. But they mistakenly believed that once she heard he would not stay in an open M, it would automatically end the A. I want you to clearly understand that confronting her and laying a boundary is not an automatic end to the affair. If anything, you give away your hand, and you are forced into a tough love plan of action.......that has no let up for a long time,if ever. So, please.......think very carefully before you decide. And if you decide to take that route, then you will need to sit down and put together a plan of action.
If you confront her, there are at least three things you should require from her, in order for her to remain in the M: She will have no further contact of any type with the OM, for life. She is committed to do whatever it takes to save the M. She will cooperate in a transparency plan that you choose. I'm sure you can already detect some problems in those three things. But if you confront her, you either have to get her agreement to these three requirements, or else plan to separate. And, she will need to be told she has the choice to end the M or agree to these three stipulations. Otherwise, you'll leave the confrontation not knowing where you stand. You have to be strong and don't leave the confrontation moment without her giving an answer. If she says she'll have to think about it........then that's the wrong answer. It means she doesn't want to save the M, she only wants time to figure out how to continue the A and keep one foot in the M. You see, she benefits both ways. She doesn't want you for her H, but she wants the benefits she gets by being legally M to you.
At this time, I won't get into what all the transparency plan covers. The last thing a WW in an affair wants to do is to be transparent with her H. She doesn't want him seeing her private messages, knowing about her activities, etc. But if the MR ever heals and has trust again, it needs to be a requirement, IMHO.
Don't know if this was what you were looking for, but if not.....break it down and simplify for me.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
. The thing is, she has carried that resentment in her heart for many months .......just about the car. I can nearly feel her fury when the car broke down in route! I don't know how much or how little you explained about having the car checked out. But the problem was that she still had no means to go whenever she wanted. She just wanted a reliable vehicle, and she was fed up waiting on her H, b/c she was seeing the results she wanted. Like I said, this is just one tiny example of how one resentment can be blown out of proportion, and it can quickly turn into disrespect. One resentment builds onto another one. When she has a bed of resentments growing, it's not hard for one little thing to set her off. Her life becomes consumed with resentment toward her H, and until she can forgive him and start working through these unresolved issues, it will be very difficult for him to please her. 
