I honestly don't know- I am between a rock and a hard place, she can't have her cake and eat it, and although she has said she is no longer contacting the OM, I don't believe her.
I mean....she IS right now, isnt she?
Originally Posted By: mbe76
She has got some valid points about my behaviour- but, she takes no responsibility in all of this- and blames me for everything- she chose to cross the line and have an affair- and although she says she hasn't physically seen him for weeks- she has been carrying on the EA by texting etc.
SHe had sex with this guy, and she wants you to be OK with her continuing to talk and flirt and message? Sounds like she is only back home out of convenience. If she had to choose you or him, where do you think she'd pick?
If it were me, I would not be OK being in that relationship. I guess thats up to you to decide. My feeling is that as long as you are OK with it, she has no motive to actually change.
Originally Posted By: mbe76
In terms of GAL it is really tough, as when I come home from work, I am doing what I can in terms of cleaning the children's mess up/ dinner plates etc. then putting them to bed, I then cook our evening meal (as I have always done) the only thing I can honestly say I am doing for myself is going the Gym and taking time out to go and speak with my priest for moral/ emotional support. I am going to see a Solicitor tomorrow to hopefully gen up on the legal side etc.
Excuses. Have you read anything from 25yearsmlc? You should see the list of GAL activities she could do. And thats while being in Alaska!
Why are YOU in charge of all of the cooking and cleaning? What is she doing to contribute to the household?
If I were to adopt the 180 approach she would see this as not wanting to try as she accused me of not saying "hello" to her last night! I remained calm and never got into an argument, and she then accused me of talking to her like she was one of my employees.
What does a 180 have to do with not saying hello?
Furthermore...if you do stop actively pursuing her, then of course, she will be upset about it. But why is that a bad thing?
We always kind of had an unspoken agreement that when I come home from work I would help out and make a start on the dishes before bathing the children. I would then usually cook the evening meal while she relaxes. She is a sahm and she does work very hard. She looks after the children (one is at home he is only 2) the other 2 are school age. So she does all the fetching and carrying, cleaning and generally looking after them. She does do a great job as a mother. Ill check out the list of GAL activities.
While she is telling me its over the OM what else can I do? Part of me thinks if I do a lot thats in the 180 plan she will think I dont give a sh*t
M(41), W(37) S (6) D (4) S (2) M-8, T-12 W "I don't love you, I am in love with another man" "I don't know you anymore"
I've just been to a Lawyer, if nothing else, to get a sober view on the D if it were to happen.
I am still very torn, I love her but I cannot continue if she is still WW with thought and emotions committed to the OM.
She shows no desire to repair the R right now, so having read Sandi's excellent piece on how to deal with WW's and the advice about not being a pursuer etc. and following the 180 route, that is what I will do. I am in the process of writing my values and a new covenant to myself and reconnect some GALs in life, I will be a better person, and if she chooses to be with me then fine, if not, I will carry on anyway.
M(41), W(37) S (6) D (4) S (2) M-8, T-12 W "I don't love you, I am in love with another man" "I don't know you anymore"
A left you an amazing post about this and I concur with his thoughts.
You can't order another to do as you want them to do, and if you give an ultimatum then you will have to follow through.
WW are unbelievably entitled and selfish, and WW will stay around until she has the next lily pad to leap to.
So a great boundary is "as long as you are having an A, and we both know you are, then you have lost the privileges of being my W"
That means ........
You have lost my fin support and the joint account, from now on I have my own You have lost the right to sleep in the MBR You have lost the right to your phone being paid for, car fuel, .......
Whatever seems appropriate to you and you can enforce.
Stop chasing...........
OM are scumbag, grot featured, affair down, knicker dropping toe rags. And the more you forbid the A and control WW the more she will chase with her skirt in the air.
Your IC says some very solid things about counselling.
Every time WW lies then you say " we both know the truth on this"
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
As far as taking her phone, I was told that in some states that can be considered abuse? Is that true? Apparently it can be considered abuse if you cut off her contact with the outside world.
I guess I would consult a divorce attorney before doing that. I've considered doing it myself. My wife would go absolutely nuts if I took her phone away.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
