Fighting my way out of the dark - Part 8

[Holding]

Thanks, everyone!

It's very anti-climactic, and a little unreal.

I'm sure the feelings will come (at unexpected times probably), but for now I'm still very stable.

Back in July, when XW told me she wanted a D, she couldn't actually say the word "divorce" and I had to finish her sentence for her. Now I've had to finish things again.

It feels like I've put a hurt animal out of its misery. It was just time for the suffering to end.

Now I can look to the future. I'm starting to realize I can do so much with the rest of my life.

[Holding]

Continuing to work on boundaries with XW.

I just got a message from her asking about a scheduling issue. It was fairly reasonable, and I was about to agree to it. But at the end of the message she said she would not sign the D decree until I responded to her request. That's a big nope for me.

My response simply said I will not respond to messages that include ultimatums.

That's all she has left with me - threats and ultimatums. I think that may be a sign of progress. My friends tell me I have to hold firm and she'll eventually get tired of it.

Other stuff:

S15 was with me this weekend while S11 went with XW on a camping trip. I got to spend time with him, talking and watching TV together, which was nice. He's been encouraging me to learn the piano, so I actually sat down this weekend with the book he bought me and got started.

We had to face the Sunday School issue again. S15 still said he didn't want to go, and that he wasn't sure this is something he believed in. I told him I wouldn't force him to go, but I would be discussing this with his mother. I've decided I won't be forcing it on him any more. XW can deal with the fallout. And she can balance that against her hypocritical accusation that I'm braking my promise to raise him in the church.

Looking back on my sitch and my attempt at DB'ing, I can see how I let my anger taint everything. I was way too cold and distant. I had hoped I would be like TxHubby, but it didn't work out that way for me.

I've been thinking about the M we had. I get a little sad that it's over. In my head I've painted this mental picture of XW as vile, cruel, selfish, and downright horrible. I think she's actively tried to show that side of herself to me, for some reason. In any case, I wonder if she ever has moments of humanity. I hope she still does, for my children's sake.

[TBSakaJ9]

My response simply said I will not respond to messages that include ultimatums.

H...IMO, that is AWESOME! Good for you!

[LH19]

Looking back on my sitch and my attempt at DB'ing, I can see how I let my anger taint everything. I was way too cold and distant. I had hoped I would be like TxHubby, but it didn't work out that way for me.

I've been thinking about the M we had. I get a little sad that it's over.

H,

I know you always think I am hard on you but I have to ask WTF? Your W cheated on you and treats you horribly! Why do you feel like that is what you deserved? Are you working this out in IC? You deserve so much better!

[Holding]

J9, thanks for the support!

LH, my brain agrees with you. I know it was a bad M. But my heart feels a sense of loss. I wanted a good life raising kids, being M, and growing old together. I just picked the wrong person to do it with.

Looking inside and asking why I decided to stay M with her is something I keep doing, and I have yet to come up with any good answers. Even though I disliked a lot of the aspects of the M prior to BD, I guess my love for my kids was greater than my dislike of her.

Enough of that. It's over.

[Jim1234]

I think your response was awesome!

Good for you for spending time with your son, and trying your hand with the piano.

As far as church, I don't think it's uncommon for kids this age to begin to doubt. I suspect if you lead through example, he'll come around once he figures things out in his own head, but if you push, it may take years before he accepts the Truth.

[EastTN]

Looking back on my sitch and my attempt at DB'ing, I can see how I let my anger taint everything. I was way too cold and distant. I had hoped I would be like TxHubby, but it didn't work out that way for me.

H, I agree completely with LH19 (well, I think I do). I don't think he's saying "you shouldn't reconcile, or have wanted to reconcile" (ultimately, that's why ALL of us came here to begin with). I think the point is you're putting BLAME on yourself. For being being angry and distant. Toward someone who cheated on you and treated you badly. Those are natural, healthy reactions, and NOT anything to stress over!

LH, my brain agrees with you. I know it was a bad M. But my heart feels a sense of loss. I wanted a good life raising kids, being M, and growing old together. I just picked the wrong person to do it with.

Picking the wrong person is a problem, yes. Feeling loss isn't. And feeling loss doesn't mean you have to take the blame! It's not your fault she cheated on you. Own the problems in your marriage that were yours, work on not being that man anymore, but YOU DID NOT DESERVE TO BE CHEATED ON, no matter WHAT your W felt.

Ending the M? Sure, she could have done that if she wasn't happy. But she DIDN'T! She waited until she found something "better" and then STILL didn't do the right thing--she needed her safety net, right? "Just in case."

"If only I did better, I could have saved my M!" Is that where you're at? Why? What makes you think that? Even if you were "perfect" (there ain't no such thing) and did everything "right" and your W came home, you still couldn't have "saved" your M--you may have been able to build a NEW one, ended up in piecing... with your XW who isn't any different, who wouldn't have done the work, and who would still be treating you shabbily. Does that sound like something you'd want?

[Holding]

Thanks, Jim. I agree that pushing S15 to attend will just push him farther away from religion.

I think the point is you're putting BLAME on yourself. For being being angry and distant. Toward someone who cheated on you and treated you badly. Those are natural, healthy reactions, and NOT anything to stress over!

Thanks. When I was my angriest, I did get feedback here asking me why I was letting the anger get to me so much. Maybe my anger was appropriate.

"If only I did better, I could have saved my M!" Is that where you're at? Why? What makes you think that? Even if you were "perfect" (there ain't no such thing) and did everything "right" and your W came home, you still couldn't have "saved" your M--you may have been able to build a NEW one, ended up in piecing... with your XW who isn't any different, who wouldn't have done the work, and who would still be treating you shabbily. Does that sound like something you'd want?

All these thoughts don't hit me much except when I come here. I read other sitches (granted, with different WW's) and I think back on my own sitch and wonder how things would have been different if I'd taken a different approach. I don't know why I go there - it's pointless. I wonder if it's problem solving, or trying to find a way to examine my faults and improve.

If I were someone else looking in on my sitch, I know I'd say "It's good you got her out of your life." I know I didn't deserve to be cheated on, and I don't blame myself for that.

[TBSakaJ9]

I did get feedback here asking me why I was letting the anger get to me so much. Maybe my anger was appropriate.

H...my 10 cents. Being angry is part of the process but how you process it and channel it IMO makes the difference. I tried very hard to not take it out on my W or display it towards her.

I don't know why I go there - it's pointless. I wonder if it's problem solving, or trying to find a way to examine my faults and improve.

Do you have regrets with how you conducted yourself? If so maybe that is part of it.

[Holding]

Do you have regrets with how you conducted yourself? If so maybe that is part of it.

Powerful question, J9. I think maybe I do. There were a few things I wish would've done differently. Not to save the M, but to be true to myself. I need to ruminate on this for a while.

Tomorrow the D decree will be signed by the judge. That will be it.