She is still messaging- 3 times after saying she wouldn't- I am not OK being in a position competing for affection- but I don't want to push her away.
Can you expand on this? It sounds like you ARE OK with it? Like you said, you have 'caught her' several times, but there is no consequence other than your feelings being hurt. It doesnt sound like you have any intention of actually going through with separating/selling the house. So why should she stop?
Originally Posted By: mbe76
I will address the boundary issue- if she is in any way serious about wanting to save the M this needs to happen.
Boundaries are about YOU not her. It is about what you will accept in your life. What will you do to protect yourself and your emotional wellbeing? To me, it sounds like you are willing to let her do as she wants in hopes that you can 'nice' your way back in to your heart. She is openly flirting with another man and all you are doing is asking her to stop over and over and over again.
Im not saying you need to do something now. My point is that you need to read and learn and grow stronger so that when you DO start taking actions, you are coming from a place of strength.
The issue about the seperation thing is that I have nowhere to go. My parents said that if I leave the marital home then that will be a sign that I can be self sufficient elsewhere and the legal process would take this into account.
M(41), W(37) S (6) D (4) S (2) M-8, T-12 W "I don't love you, I am in love with another man" "I don't know you anymore"
Having originally agreed to counselling together my W decided she didnt want to attend. So I went by myself. . .it was really cathartic. The MC said that the invitation should be for her to attend on her own next week. I just hold onto hope 😞
M(41), W(37) S (6) D (4) S (2) M-8, T-12 W "I don't love you, I am in love with another man" "I don't know you anymore"
So I went to the M Counsellor today, and although my W decided not to, I felt it important to go for my own peace of mind. I found it really helped, the M Counsellor did say that if W decides to go to Counselling, the first session needs to be her alone. I get that.
I know that many of the things I said and did caused a slow rot in our relationship a long time ago, but we are all here with the perfect 20/20 vision of hindsight- but what I am struggling with is the whole crossing the line into an affair. She says she has stopped messaging him- but as so many people have already said- I believe nothing.
So for now, I think I will adopt much of the 180 approach, I usually initiate the small talk though, so that will be tough, as I don't want her to think I am in a mood- any thoughts on that?
M(41), W(37) S (6) D (4) S (2) M-8, T-12 W "I don't love you, I am in love with another man" "I don't know you anymore"
She is still messaging- 3 times after saying she wouldn't- I am not OK being in a position competing for affection- but I don't want to push her away.
Can you expand on this? It sounds like you ARE OK with it? Like you said, you have 'caught her' several times, but there is no consequence other than your feelings being hurt. It doesnt sound like you have any intention of actually going through with separating/selling the house. So why should she stop?
Originally Posted By: mbe76
I will address the boundary issue- if she is in any way serious about wanting to save the M this needs to happen.
Boundaries are about YOU not her. It is about what you will accept in your life. What will you do to protect yourself and your emotional wellbeing? To me, it sounds like you are willing to let her do as she wants in hopes that you can 'nice' your way back in to your heart. She is openly flirting with another man and all you are doing is asking her to stop over and over and over again.
Im not saying you need to do something now. My point is that you need to read and learn and grow stronger so that when you DO start taking actions, you are coming from a place of strength.
I am so confused, she is telling me she is no longer messaging him, but I don't beleive her, I told her last night that if she wanted to fight for the M a key part of her wanting to do that is to end the affair- she then said she hasn't seen him physically for 3 weeks- but they had been messaging and facetiming but she said she will stop- I don't trust that is the case. And no, I don't think it is acceptable but what with mobile phones, facebook, twitter, whatsapp etc etc there are many more platforms for her to continue the EA with the OM- what else can I do?
M(41), W(37) S (6) D (4) S (2) M-8, T-12 W "I don't love you, I am in love with another man" "I don't know you anymore"
The issue about the seperation thing is that I have nowhere to go. My parents said that if I leave the marital home then that will be a sign that I can be self sufficient elsewhere and the legal process would take this into account.
So why did you suggest it as an option if you arent going to follow through on it?
What is your plan if she doesnt actually stop texting him? Sure, she got kicked out of her parent's place, but her waywardness hasnt stopped or even subsided from what I can tell. So I dont see how playing nice and politely asking her to consider your feelings is going to actually have any positive impact on your sitch. Its likely for the best that she didnt go to MC with you - I dont feel like it would have a good result given her level of waywardness.
Just like I cant imagine her going to see the counselor alone next week. In her eyes, YOU are the problem...not her.
She is still messaging- 3 times after saying she wouldn't- I am not OK being in a position competing for affection- but I don't want to push her away.
Can you expand on this? It sounds like you ARE OK with it? Like you said, you have 'caught her' several times, but there is no consequence other than your feelings being hurt. It doesnt sound like you have any intention of actually going through with separating/selling the house. So why should she stop?
Originally Posted By: mbe76
I will address the boundary issue- if she is in any way serious about wanting to save the M this needs to happen.
Boundaries are about YOU not her. It is about what you will accept in your life. What will you do to protect yourself and your emotional wellbeing? To me, it sounds like you are willing to let her do as she wants in hopes that you can 'nice' your way back in to your heart. She is openly flirting with another man and all you are doing is asking her to stop over and over and over again.
Im not saying you need to do something now. My point is that you need to read and learn and grow stronger so that when you DO start taking actions, you are coming from a place of strength.
I am so confused, she is telling me she is no longer messaging him, but I don't beleive her, I told her last night that if she wanted to fight for the M a key part of her wanting to do that is to end the affair- she then said she hasn't seen him physically for 3 weeks- but they had been messaging and facetiming but she said she will stop- I don't trust that is the case. And no, I don't think it is acceptable but what with mobile phones, facebook, twitter, whatsapp etc etc there are many more platforms for her to continue the EA with the OM- what else can I do?
I believe that a full no contact is needed. This would be sending a letter written together saying that he not contact her anymore. It could involve her moving jobs if they work together. It involves letting you have access to her phone whenever to confirm. Its about full transparency until trust can be rebuilt.
I honestly don't know- I am between a rock and a hard place, she can't have her cake and eat it, and although she has said she is no longer contacting the OM, I don't believe her.
She has got some valid points about my behaviour- but, she takes no responsibility in all of this- and blames me for everything- she chose to cross the line and have an affair- and although she says she hasn't physically seen him for weeks- she has been carrying on the EA by texting etc.
In terms of GAL it is really tough, as when I come home from work, I am doing what I can in terms of cleaning the children's mess up/ dinner plates etc. then putting them to bed, I then cook our evening meal (as I have always done) the only thing I can honestly say I am doing for myself is going the Gym and taking time out to go and speak with my priest for moral/ emotional support. I am going to see a Solicitor tomorrow to hopefully gen up on the legal side etc.
M(41), W(37) S (6) D (4) S (2) M-8, T-12 W "I don't love you, I am in love with another man" "I don't know you anymore"
If I were to adopt the 180 approach she would see this as not wanting to try as she accused me of not saying "hello" to her last night! I remained calm and never got into an argument, and she then accused me of talking to her like she was one of my employees.
M(41), W(37) S (6) D (4) S (2) M-8, T-12 W "I don't love you, I am in love with another man" "I don't know you anymore"
Don't initiate small talk. Period. Let her do that if she is interested. The point of detaching is that when you step away she will step towards you. Yes her words might try to do the opposite. "YOu dont' care about us!" "YOu must want the divorce!" "You aren't trying!" Those are all common accusations related to detachment from the spouse you are detaching from.
But detachment isn't for her, it is for you. It allows you to get healthier mentally and emotionally. It allows you to not focus on what she says and does and by extention not to react to it.
So 180 away. Don't believe anything she says, and 1/2 of what she does.
And we are all in the same boat. WWs will always blame the H for everything. That is how they justify their choices.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
