Looking back on my sitch and my attempt at DB'ing, I can see how I let my anger taint everything. I was way too cold and distant. I had hoped I would be like TxHubby, but it didn't work out that way for me.
H, I agree completely with LH19 (well, I think I do). I don't think he's saying "you shouldn't reconcile, or have wanted to reconcile" (ultimately, that's why ALL of us came here to begin with). I think the point is you're putting BLAME on yourself. For being being angry and distant. Toward someone who cheated on you and treated you badly. Those are natural, healthy reactions, and NOT anything to stress over!
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LH, my brain agrees with you. I know it was a bad M. But my heart feels a sense of loss. I wanted a good life raising kids, being M, and growing old together. I just picked the wrong person to do it with.
Picking the wrong person is a problem, yes. Feeling loss isn't. And feeling loss doesn't mean you have to take the blame! It's not your fault she cheated on you. Own the problems in your marriage that were yours, work on not being that man anymore, but YOU DID NOT DESERVE TO BE CHEATED ON, no matter WHAT your W felt.
Ending the M? Sure, she could have done that if she wasn't happy. But she DIDN'T! She waited until she found something "better" and then STILL didn't do the right thing--she needed her safety net, right? "Just in case."
"If only I did better, I could have saved my M!" Is that where you're at? Why? What makes you think that? Even if you were "perfect" (there ain't no such thing) and did everything "right" and your W came home, you still couldn't have "saved" your M--you may have been able to build a NEW one, ended up in piecing... with your XW who isn't any different, who wouldn't have done the work, and who would still be treating you shabbily. Does that sound like something you'd want?
