I don't want a divorce

[KitCat]

Yeah - my head is a mess.

Rough day at work and I don't have a support group. I'm near tears. Fortunately its warm today so I get home in time to walk the dogs. Its really dark by the time I get home.

I was surprised my husband was up already and given that we talked about R twice today I suspected a distant version of him today. I wasn't proud of myself today. We chatted briefly again about bills. I noticed he wasn't wearing his ring but he did go to the gym earlier and usually takes it off when he lifts weights. I was dumb enough to comment and of course I got the vicious stare down and does it matter? He clearly knows it hurts me.

He then asks where I was. I told him I took the dogs for a walk. I needed to get out and breathe. He asked why. I let him know had awful experience at work and I was biting my lip not to cry in front of my husband. He asked what about but I know he doesn't have experience or understand some of the very hard and dark things I have to do at my job. I've always bottled it up and not let him so I know he has no interest now.

He gets his stuff and leaves.

I'm trying not to call or text but he walked out with his ring in his pocket and not on his finger. It was killing me. I did call about it again - I don't know why. I know the more I ask him to put it on the more he will resist. He tried to play games and state he takes it off sometimes at work but I think he was just trying to get a rise out of me. I believe he only takes it off when he works out and he hadn't put it back on yet.

This guts me because he NEVER takes off his ring except for above. I don't like wearing jewelry so I take everything off at night. I had my fingers swell so bad I've nearly had to have rings cut off before. I would often run off to work NOT wearing my ring. I have been out on dates with my husband NOT wearing my ring. I just don't think about it sometimes. It broke him... he would be so sad I didn't have it on... I'm such a boob.

He noticed three months ago that I've been wearing 100%. I sleep in it. It never comes off. I haven't had issues with my fingers swelling anymore. I don't know if it was hormonal - had a hysterectomy a couple of years ago. I was so sick for years and misdiagnosed but no joke 30min out of surgery my life was so much better. Apparently it was really bad when they opened me up. I don't know, but I noticed it wasn't happening and I just started wearing it all the time. It was before my husband made his announcement.

I look at myself and I love and adore my husband. But, to see all these little things it must have been so awful to be married to me. I mean, yes right now he just sees every little crappy thing and he can't see the bright spots in between at all right now. We did have lots of good times.

I see things from his viewpoint. I get why he is unhappy. He says that even though I'm being different he can't just make himself happy overnight. AND, he sees me as kissing his butt, being desperate and not being real.

I'm dizzy from the merry-go-round. I just want to get off and have my husband back.




So its up and down.

I was good. My H left yesterday and he didn't even say "see you tomorrow". He just left. Its like its just continues to breakdown slowly. For awhile I walked him to the door and hugged him... to he would say "I'm leaving", "see you tomorrow", etc... to yesterday just leaving.

I didn't let it get me down. Just moved forward.

I didn't text at all.

I get up and he responded to my facebook post from 4 days ago? Of course he just said "yes" but why bother after its been sitting there 4 days.

I know it means nothing - just breadcrumbs.

He comes home this morning. Doesn't say anything so I don't initiate and just keep getting ready for work. The only time he says anything to me was to hand me something that I left in the shower. My S16 comes to the door to let me know he is catching the bus and H says hopefully the car will be fixed by today as S16 has been driving to school. He wasn't really speaking to me but to my S?

I continued to get ready for work and he was sitting down in recliner playing games on his phone. As I walked into the room I mentioned did he know that they made a mattress to fit into the Tesla? I said I came across this video and because when we were looking at cars/trucks the other day he was checking out to see their comfort level for sleeping in the back. We have looked at Tesla's twice too over the last year. Anyway I explained the video and asked if he wanted to see.

At that same time he shared some info he got from his Dr's office. I did know they called him yesterday because he went had his labwork done, but since he didn't say anything to me about it I didn't bring it up. He did today and he was very quiet when talking. He just stared working out again for 2 days before the labwork. Its an enzyme from muscle breakdown. He had same issue a year ago when he started working out then too. It eventually came down but took time. He can't go back to the gym until they figure it out. He goes next Monday for another test.

I let him see the video. Normally something like this would have made him laugh or at least make comments... NOTHING. He sat and watched the entire thing and kept watching but he gave no response to me.

I know from speaking to him on Tuesday he doesn't want to talk to me at all right and pretty much said that.

I quit interacting and left for work.

I have plans tonight. Just going to the coffee shop to do some reading and contact a friend. Will I have the guts to do it? He will ask where I'm going. He will make some comment of am I meeting my boyfriend (this irks me... I am not seeing anyone cause the only man I want is him... I've never ever gone down that road.) I don't know how to handle him asking me what I am doing or why I am doing it.