Hoping this can be saved, but having doubts

[reframe]

Hi reframe, you're not wrong about snooping, it's like an addiction for me. Checking phone records, Instagram, coat pockets, handbag...I only find pain when I do it. What's that about?! I've got to tell myself it's not worth it.

I'm sure it's about us trying to find a crumb to be hopeful about. I've occasionally found small hints that she's considering working on the MR. Those are way less common that signs of her planning for a new life - but it's enough to keep us coming back.

Super easy (intellectually) to say we just need to stop it.
Way harder emotionally to actually do it.

[reframe]

Two other questions for the vets here. Things are continuing about the same way. I'm GAL and trying not to pursue and to detach. We have friendly encounters, but she still appears to be planning on D. She does seem to be responding pretty well to my GAL attempts, but I still feel like my M is doomed...

1. We have an anniversary coming up. I'm not sure how to approach this in the limbo state we're in.

2. I'm seriously tempted to go stay at my mother's for awhile, to introduce some more space into things. Mistake?

[Holding]

Reframe, I suggest you do nothing for the anniversary. Since she hasn't shown any signs she wants to turn things around, anything you do for the anniversary is really a form of pursuit.

How long are you looking to stay at your mother's house? The space you need is more long term than just a week or two.

[reframe]

Reframe, I suggest you do nothing for the anniversary. Since she hasn't shown any signs she wants to turn things around, anything you do for the anniversary is really a form of pursuit.

How long are you looking to stay at your mother's house? The space you need is more long term than just a week or two.

That's true. In fact when we discussed it a week or two ago she didn't make any suggestions, so it does feel like pursuit to do anything now.

She also discussed needing space, and that we might need longer than a week or two. I had offered to go stay at my mom's then, but she pointed out that she's still be surrounded by our lives.

Yesterday, I was looking at that as an escape from limbo, I snooped (Bad I know) and found that she was still intending to move out when she was able, and likely on D - I spent the rest of the day reeling and was desperate for an escape from the limbo.

Today I'm feeling a bit better. Realizing that what she plans on doing now may well change before anything changes physically, and that I need to move on mentally and try to detach. It also seems like she's working extra hard to convince herself D is the right option, despite being scared and still really enjoying my company and support. I suspect that moving out for a week or two isn't going to change anything - and doing it as an attempt to manipulate is a mistake.

I'm working on the GAL part, but I'm clearly not detached, and that's always something I've struggled with in relationships.

Balancing the total non-pursuit with "speaking her love language" (as Chuck suggested) is also really tough.

[reframe]

Update:

The last week or so has been a whirlwind.

I had a session with Chuck, which went very well. He indicated that I am doing a lot of things right. So while I tend to focus on a lot of the negatives in my interactions, there are some glimmers of light.

I'm continuing to try and balance non-pursuit with "light love" (as he called it).
He felt that light physical affection was OK, provided I don't let it effect me if she's isn't receptive to it.

I spent a week without doing any spying, after realizing that it was only hurting my mental state and moods. I'm trying to continue with that. The proof will be in how she interacts toward me, and what she's intending to do in the future will change much more slowly (if it changes at all)


This weekend we spent the majority of Friday and Saturday together, and seemed to sincerely enjoy each other's company. We some real sadness without of out pets, but in a way it brought us closer and seemed to be giving us a chance to support each other.

We also had an anniversary. That was rough. On previous years she had made big, public declarations of love for me (including last year). Since how much things have apparently changed in the last year has really rocked me, and I'm struggling a lot today.

[reframe]

Still really struggling.
The last few days the W has been friendlier, but not affectionate at all.

I suppose this is progress (just her acting like she enjoys my company) but I'm really struggling with the seeming coldness.

I'm doing OK at the GAL activities, but my detachment is still all an act - my mood is entirely too linked to how our last interaction went. I've also fallen off the wagon w.r.t snooping and will try to do better - I know this doesn't help me. All signs still point to her planning on D, although she hasn't followed up our conversation (as people here said she wouldn't).

The last few days have been the kind where I wonder how I can keep doing this.
I really miss having a partner who liked me and was into me.

[InFocus]

Hey reframe, going through the exact same thing with my spouse. Bomb dropped 1/29/2018. Still in the house. Says she doesn't love me, closed off. Discussions always lead to pain, she doesn't want to do it anymore, to forgive me, to love me.

Yet she's here in the house, spending weekends with me. We're working on it, going to counseling, but it all feels hopeless if you think about the lack of affection, sleeping separately, the indications of her moving on, the indifference, all the little things they did that they no longer do seem to really hit the heart so powerfully and make you long for them.

Did deep brother, you'll make it through this a better person. Focus on being your best self, be the lighthouse in the storm and experience the storm, but don't let it extinguish our light. One day at a time, with hope and love in your heart - not for her, but for yourself.

[reframe]

InFocus - thanks man. Like I said, knowing how common this is helps a lot.

It's been awhile since I updated.
I've had a few sessions with Chuck. A had an R talk with her at his suggestion, where I told her that I knew she was planning on leaving, and that I supported her and would be her biggest fan if not for her leaving me.

Since then things have been a whirlwind. She seemed to soften for a few days, then (apparently) got scared and the pendulum swung the opposite direction.

She's now moved into my second bedroom, and is looking for jobs and for a place to move out to.

I've started GAL in earnest, not reaching out to her unless she contacts me first, and doing my own activities without communicating my schedule to her - but being pleasant and positive when I see her.

We've basically been living like roommates for the last week and a half.
On the plus, I've almost completely stopped snooping, and my sanity and mental well being is much better for it.

[reframe]

I realize this "is a marathon, not a sprint" but it's hard to stay motivated when things seem to be getting worse. I'm trying to apply Sandie's rules to a T now, and I'm seeing little cracks here and there - where she asks for a little bit of support or temp checks me, but they're still few and far between.

I'm afraid her moving out is just a dress rehearsal divorce.

Today, I also had a reminder of how self-centered she can be with all this.
We had an issue with one of our dogs, (a rescue, who is extremely affectionate, but has some aggression issues). I spoke to her about it after an one of her medical/self-care appointments. We agreed on a course of action, then I circled back to discuss how shaken I was by this.

I was rather roughly told that she had "just relaxed, and needed to stay relaxed, and didn't want to rehash this with me".

I realize from a strict DB perspective I shouldn't have circled back, and that I should have steered to more pleasant topics, then ended the conversation first.
That said, being upset about a serious issue with one of our furry children isn't unreasonable. Her response makes it clear how little regard she has for being supportive of me does make me question what exactly I'm trying to save.

[reframe]

so, just had this conversation online. Wife mentioned that she wasn't sure she'd be able to take our two dogs part time when she moved out. I tried me best to be supportive, validate and not pursue, but I'm feeling pretty crushed right now.

------
Wife:
I'm still trying to figure out if I'll even be able to take them part time right now
It'll depend on where I'm living

I didn't know you'd be willing to consider not having the dogs a significant portion fo the time
I don't feel like I have much choice.
The place I looked at yesterday is fine with me having them half the time, but my skin was burning
so something has to give
well, it takes awhile to a find a place.


Me:
I assumed you'd hold out for an animal friendly place that didn't make you sick

Wife:
I'd love to, but that can be hard to find and it's not really fair.

Me:
not sure I follow, but it's up to you, of course.

Wife:
I want to move on with my life, and let you move on with yours. That includes dating, even if just for fun. And it feels wrong doing that when living in the spare bedroom.

Me:
yes, that is a no go. I assumed that was a given

Wife:
Yes, which is my point

Me:
but I also didn't think you were in a hurry to date


Wife:
I wouldn't call it a hurry. But the last few months have also been incredibly lonely, for both of us

Me:
yes, and my thinking was that it was a chance to improve myself. Dating to feel better is just kicking the can down the road


Wife:
Okay. I didn't say to feel better.
and I've been improving myself for a long time.

Me:
I know you have, and I'm proud of you. This is all somewhat academic, since it's totally up to you.

I had assumed the logical thing to do was to get your financial life in order, and find a suitable place, for you and the furry friends. That takes some time. I didn't find the current situation untenable, but I'm still willing to work toward things.

I didn't think being in a position for either of us to date was a matter of any urgency,


Wife:
I'm not having this conversation. I am not willing to work on things, I've made that very clear. I worked on things for years. But I'm not getting into some angry fight with you about what happened, or didn't and what could or couldn't happen.
I'll keep looking and I'll be out of your way as soon as I can be.

Me:
I told you there is no rush

Wife:
that's because you're still hoping I change my mind
it's also because I support you trying to be on your own and make it on your own

Me:
yes, I also think there are things to our relationship that are worth saving, but I also think I've made it pretty clear that it would need to be something you choose

Wife:
and I truly hope we can be friends and that we'll be able to climb and hang out, and be social together.

OK
and I don't have anything to say that I haven't said before.
This is not what I want, but I won't stand in your way if it's what you need to do.

If you are lonely I am happy to talk.

Wife:
Yes, noted.
But that's not what I mean.