LRT -

[SteveLW]

I can imagine if I work hard using the LRT and stop chasing that he WILL change his mind. But what happens then? Will he then return to our marriage or leave it broken in order to not have to admit a fault?

Gisela I am not sure if anyone responded to this question in particular so i will take a crack at it.

In the 2 months since BD (see the abbreviations thread), my wife has gone through every possibility under the sun.

1 Leave and file for D.
2 Stay and work on the R.
3 Stay and let everything go back to normal.
4 Stay but have a permanent S (sleep in separate beds).
5 Stay and be miserable (similar to option 3).
6 Leave and date each other.
7 Leave and still act like a family but have separate places to live.

Obviously she is trying to figure stuff out. And she is trying to find a perfect solution since the leaving has things she doesn't like, and the staying has things she doesn't like.

However, you have to be, when the time comes, unequivocal about what you will or won't tolerate.

For me, the only options of the list above are:

1 and 2. I might would eventually be open to 6 and/or 7, but I would not go into 1 with that mentality.

3, 4, and 5 are NOT OPTIONS FOR ME. She cannot stay unless she is 100% committed to working on the MR to make it better.

You have to set similar expectations for your way forward if your H finally comes around and decides he wants to stay. Staying doesn't mean staying the same. Staying means staying to heal and fix what was broken.