Not sure what to do. . .can anyone help?

[MoveFrwd]

Hello mbe. Welcome to the boards, though Im sure it isnt a place you are excited to be. I urge you to keep posting!

I just about began to get my head around the situation, and then things changed, she had packed up her things and left her mums house and returned home

So what are your boundaries? She goes from living to you, to moving out and having an affair, to just barging back into your home? And you were OK/excited about this? What was the arrangement when she came back? To me, this feels like complete disrespect. I would not have let her in without any kind of commitment to healing together and repairing the marriage relationship. What are the arrangements now? Is she back in your bed? Are you having sex? (if so....Id get tested REAL quick).

I knew she was still carrying on messaging him through FB etc. so I asked her what she wanted to do, and she was saying she didn't know- I suggested counselling- she said no, I suggested speaking to our priest- she said no. I could see she was really torn and upset.

So what is your plan here? Are you ok with being in a position where you are competing for the affection of your own WIFE?

I was continuing to do my best by the children, and things *seemed* to be getting better- but then I discovered she had sex with him and was continuing to meet him and getting up to who knows what. So I said that if she did want to fight for our marriage, she would need to end her affair. She said she couldn't just switch off her emotions- and I am not stupid- you cannot control how someone feels- it really does need to be her decision.

Later that day I was doing some laundry and she was in the other room and when I walked in I could see his face on her phone as they were facetiming each other

Again, so what is the alternative. You said she "has to end the affair". I think it is clear that she hasnt. So what is the consequence? Again, this is a boundary issue. It isnt about controlling what she does - like you said, she is going to do what she wants. The question is what you are willing to accept in someone living with you.

I simply asked her to put herself in my shoes- whatever the circumstances that led to the affair- If I had fallen in love with another woman, had sex with her and then said I would stop messaging her and then continued- how would that make her feel?

While this is perfectly logical, I think it is clear that she doesnt care how you feel. She may be sorry that you are hurting, but it isnt going to change what she does...she is just going to be more secretive about it.

I said that Option 1: She joins me in the fight for our marriage- but that must mean an end to the affair. Option 2: We seperate- but we then need to discuss what we do for the best for the children as I would need somewhere to live but cannot afford a mortgage and rent- so we would need to sell. or Option 3: Carry on as we are (that doesn't sound like a real option to me)

I mean....Im not sure why you offered option 3...seems like a no-brainer for her. But assuming that was in jest, I would say it is time to start getting serious about option 2. Were you bluffing? What does she need to do to show she is 'fighting' with you?



I know thats a lot to chew on, so Ill stop here. I know youre confused. Id advise to read as much as you can.