Me and my W have been M for 8 years, and have 3 young children- 6, 4 and 2. For the last 7 years she has either been pregnant or BFeeding, so the intimacy has always been an issue as she has been focussing on raising our children. We would fight and argue, and I would say hurtful things, and she would react sometimes with physical violence. Not a happy time. Things got progressively worse, and late Summer things went even more downhill. I thought we had a good Christmas, children loved it, however after Christmas we had an argument and it all came out.
She didn't love me anymore, and I really began a journey to change- I have taken full responsibility over how I acted in the past and am seeking professional help. And I made this commitment to change. Then the bombshell came, I got the telephone bill and one number came up over and over, long long calls, repeated text messages- everything- it was a mutual friend from Church. When I asked her what was going on (without anger or hostility) it was then that she told me that she had sought solace and a "shoulder to cry on" with this other man, and that over time she had developed feelings for him, and she loved him and he loves her.
Without telling me her plans, she left the Marital Home. I was heartbroken. Her mum and dad were supporting her, and even though I initially tried to reach out to them, they said they didn't believe me and they wanted their daughter to be happy. We are both Catholic, and they are, and I couldn't get my head around them supporting her actions. The OM was spending time with her at her parents house, and it broke my heart even more when my little boy told me how he bathed them and put them to bed.
She told me not to tell anyone, and I have never felt more alone in all my life, in spite of my past behaviour, I felt I didn't deserve what she was doing. I went round one night and the OM answered the door, I felt inside like screaming at him- but I quickly got my senses and thought what good would that do? Nothing- it would drive her further away.
I just about began to get my head around the situation, and then things changed, she had packed up her things and left her mums house and returned home- I thought that my prayers had been answered, but I soon saw that she was still very upset and torn, and I knew she was still carrying on messaging him through FB etc. so I asked her what she wanted to do, and she was saying she didn't know- I suggested counselling- she said no, I suggested speaking to our priest- she said no. I could see she was really torn and upset.
I was continuing to do my best by the children, and things *seemed* to be getting better- but then I discovered she had sex with him and was continuing to meet him and getting up to who knows what. So I said that if she did want to fight for our marriage, she would need to end her affair. She said she couldn't just switch off her emotions- and I am not stupid- you cannot control how someone feels- it really does need to be her decision.
This last Sunday, we went to church as a Family, and I through again we were beginning to turn a corner, we even were able to have someone look after the children while we shared a glass of wine, and she said that she will stop contact with him. However, later that day I was doing some laundry and she was in the other room and when I walked in I could see his face on her phone as they were facetiming each other I never said anyhting, but waiting until the little ones were in bed, and I simply asked her to put herself in my shoes- whatever the circumstances that led to the affair- If I had fallen in love with another woman, had sex with her and then said I would stop messaging her and then continued- how would that make her feel? I said I didn't want to be taken for a fool. She said she understood, and that she would stop messaging him- but I cannot fully believe this- and I was right not too- she was messaging him again the next day, so I said that if she didn't want to fight for the marriage, then we need to talk about the other options. So I said that Option 1: She joins me in the fight for our marriage- but that must mean an end to the affair. Option 2: We seperate- but we then need to discuss what we do for the best for the children as I would need somewhere to live but cannot afford a mortgage and rent- so we would need to sell. or Option 3: Carry on as we are (that doesn't sound like a real option to me)
So now, where are is that she *says* it's over- but the advice on here tells me to not believe this- she is probably messaging him via another app etc (I am not naive) I was thinking of adopting the 180 approach,but I am not sure.
I have not been initiating any emotional contact, but I don't want her to think I don't want that because I do
She did say she would be willing to go to counselling, but not sure she will- part of me thinks if she doesn't this will tell me all I need to know.
Any advice?
Would the 180 approach not drive her further away emotionally?
She SAYS she wants to fight for the marriage but her actions demonstrate otherwise- any advice on this?
I am so confused right now.
M(41), W(37) S (6) D (4) S (2) M-8, T-12 W "I don't love you, I am in love with another man" "I don't know you anymore"
Sorry man. I am in a similar sitch and limbo [censored]. No doubt about it. Wayward Wives (WW for short) are a tricky, emotional roller-coaster. So you need to buckle up for the ride.
Couple of quick things. Rule #1, believe NOTHING she says and only 1/2 of what she does. This is the best rule you can live by. She will rarely say the truth. She will manipulate, lie, embellish, rewrite history, justify, downplay, etc etc etc. Everything that comes out of her mouth is to accomplish what she wants, and that doesn't include the truth.
Secondly, things WILL get worse before they get better. So you need to DETACH (Cadet will be along to give you homework, please do all of the reading he sends because it is invaluable). Detachment is the only way you can get through the emotions and remain consistent. This is hard. I am struggling with it myself.
Finally, if you get luck enough to have sandi2 engage with you in this thread, listen to her. She knows the other side, what WW think and do. She will give you insight that you won't get anywhere else.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I'm curious - what do you think brought her back home? I mean, if she was living with her parents and OM was coming over and everything was hunky dory, why did she return? Doesn't sound like her parents were pressuring her to go back home.
Now you don't have control over whether she contacts OM. And you made it pretty clear that you have boundaries. If she said she'd go to counseling with you then find a good one, make the appointment and hire the sitter.
Meanwhile - right now is your opportunity to show her all your changes. Be the bigger person. Show her you can stop being the angry guy you were in your marriage. Show her you are the best dad on the planet. Show her what the marriage could be like if she commits to it.
IIf she said she'd go to counseling with you then find a good one, make the appointment and hire the sitter.
To the OP, kml gives good advice here. I would add to it that you need to do your homework and make sure you find a MARRIAGE FRIENDLY counselor. I can not stress this enough.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Hello mbe. Welcome to the boards, though Im sure it isnt a place you are excited to be. I urge you to keep posting!
Originally Posted By: mbe76
I just about began to get my head around the situation, and then things changed, she had packed up her things and left her mums house and returned home
So what are your boundaries? She goes from living to you, to moving out and having an affair, to just barging back into your home? And you were OK/excited about this? What was the arrangement when she came back? To me, this feels like complete disrespect. I would not have let her in without any kind of commitment to healing together and repairing the marriage relationship. What are the arrangements now? Is she back in your bed? Are you having sex? (if so....Id get tested REAL quick).
Originally Posted By: mbe76
I knew she was still carrying on messaging him through FB etc. so I asked her what she wanted to do, and she was saying she didn't know- I suggested counselling- she said no, I suggested speaking to our priest- she said no. I could see she was really torn and upset.
So what is your plan here? Are you ok with being in a position where you are competing for the affection of your own WIFE?
Originally Posted By: mbe76
I was continuing to do my best by the children, and things *seemed* to be getting better- but then I discovered she had sex with him and was continuing to meet him and getting up to who knows what. So I said that if she did want to fight for our marriage, she would need to end her affair. She said she couldn't just switch off her emotions- and I am not stupid- you cannot control how someone feels- it really does need to be her decision.
Later that day I was doing some laundry and she was in the other room and when I walked in I could see his face on her phone as they were facetiming each other
Again, so what is the alternative. You said she "has to end the affair". I think it is clear that she hasnt. So what is the consequence? Again, this is a boundary issue. It isnt about controlling what she does - like you said, she is going to do what she wants. The question is what you are willing to accept in someone living with you.
Originally Posted By: mbe76
I simply asked her to put herself in my shoes- whatever the circumstances that led to the affair- If I had fallen in love with another woman, had sex with her and then said I would stop messaging her and then continued- how would that make her feel?
While this is perfectly logical, I think it is clear that she doesnt care how you feel. She may be sorry that you are hurting, but it isnt going to change what she does...she is just going to be more secretive about it.
Originally Posted By: mbe76
I said that Option 1: She joins me in the fight for our marriage- but that must mean an end to the affair. Option 2: We seperate- but we then need to discuss what we do for the best for the children as I would need somewhere to live but cannot afford a mortgage and rent- so we would need to sell. or Option 3: Carry on as we are (that doesn't sound like a real option to me)
I mean....Im not sure why you offered option 3...seems like a no-brainer for her. But assuming that was in jest, I would say it is time to start getting serious about option 2. Were you bluffing? What does she need to do to show she is 'fighting' with you?
I know thats a lot to chew on, so Ill stop here. I know youre confused. Id advise to read as much as you can.
It is marriage friendly a charity ran by tje Catholic Church
I am not Catholic. I do not know. I know an awful lot of divorced Cahtolics though. By marriage friendly that means that counselor after a few sessions isn't going to throw in the towel and say the only way you both can be happy is by D. The counselor's goal should be reconciliation at all costs, except in a very few circumstances (physical or sexual abuse, etc).
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I was excited- but then soon realised it was more down to her Mother not wanting them to stay there. I soon saw the division was very much still there.
She is still messaging- 3 times after saying she wouldn't- I am not OK being in a position competing for affection- but I don't want to push her away.
I will address the boundary issue- if she is in any way serious about wanting to save the M this needs to happen.
Yes- she is definitely being more secretive.
I never offered option 3- I closed it down- I said that if the status quo continues then we would both be unhappy and that is something I will not allow.
M(41), W(37) S (6) D (4) S (2) M-8, T-12 W "I don't love you, I am in love with another man" "I don't know you anymore"
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I never said anyhting, but waiting until the little ones were in bed, and I simply asked her to put herself in my shoes- whatever the circumstances that led to the affair- If I had fallen in love with another woman, had sex with her and then said I would stop messaging her and then continued- how would that make her feel? I said I didn't want to be taken for a fool. She said she understood, and that she would stop messaging him- but I cannot fully believe this- and I was right not too- she was messaging him again the next day, so I said that if she didn't want to fight for the marriage, then we need to talk about the other options. So I said that Option 1: She joins me in the fight for our marriage- but that must mean an end to the affair. Option 2: We seperate- but we then need to discuss what we do for the best for the children as I would need somewhere to live but cannot afford a mortgage and rent- so we would need to sell. or Option 3: Carry on as we are (that doesn't sound like a real option to me)