Not sure what to do. . .can anyone help?

[mbe76]

Me and my W have been M for 8 years, and have 3 young children- 6, 4 and 2. For the last 7 years she has either been pregnant or BFeeding, so the intimacy has always been an issue as she has been focussing on raising our children. We would fight and argue, and I would say hurtful things, and she would react sometimes with physical violence. Not a happy time. Things got progressively worse, and late Summer things went even more downhill. I thought we had a good Christmas, children loved it, however after Christmas we had an argument and it all came out.

She didn't love me anymore, and I really began a journey to change- I have taken full responsibility over how I acted in the past and am seeking professional help. And I made this commitment to change. Then the bombshell came, I got the telephone bill and one number came up over and over, long long calls, repeated text messages- everything- it was a mutual friend from Church. When I asked her what was going on (without anger or hostility) it was then that she told me that she had sought solace and a "shoulder to cry on" with this other man, and that over time she had developed feelings for him, and she loved him and he loves her.

Without telling me her plans, she left the Marital Home. I was heartbroken. Her mum and dad were supporting her, and even though I initially tried to reach out to them, they said they didn't believe me and they wanted their daughter to be happy. We are both Catholic, and they are, and I couldn't get my head around them supporting her actions. The OM was spending time with her at her parents house, and it broke my heart even more when my little boy told me how he bathed them and put them to bed.

She told me not to tell anyone, and I have never felt more alone in all my life, in spite of my past behaviour, I felt I didn't deserve what she was doing. I went round one night and the OM answered the door, I felt inside like screaming at him- but I quickly got my senses and thought what good would that do? Nothing- it would drive her further away.

I just about began to get my head around the situation, and then things changed, she had packed up her things and left her mums house and returned home- I thought that my prayers had been answered, but I soon saw that she was still very upset and torn, and I knew she was still carrying on messaging him through FB etc. so I asked her what she wanted to do, and she was saying she didn't know- I suggested counselling- she said no, I suggested speaking to our priest- she said no. I could see she was really torn and upset.

I was continuing to do my best by the children, and things *seemed* to be getting better- but then I discovered she had sex with him and was continuing to meet him and getting up to who knows what. So I said that if she did want to fight for our marriage, she would need to end her affair. She said she couldn't just switch off her emotions- and I am not stupid- you cannot control how someone feels- it really does need to be her decision.

This last Sunday, we went to church as a Family, and I through again we were beginning to turn a corner, we even were able to have someone look after the children while we shared a glass of wine, and she said that she will stop contact with him. However, later that day I was doing some laundry and she was in the other room and when I walked in I could see his face on her phone as they were facetiming each other I never said anyhting, but waiting until the little ones were in bed, and I simply asked her to put herself in my shoes- whatever the circumstances that led to the affair- If I had fallen in love with another woman, had sex with her and then said I would stop messaging her and then continued- how would that make her feel? I said I didn't want to be taken for a fool. She said she understood, and that she would stop messaging him- but I cannot fully believe this- and I was right not too- she was messaging him again the next day, so I said that if she didn't want to fight for the marriage, then we need to talk about the other options. So I said that Option 1: She joins me in the fight for our marriage- but that must mean an end to the affair. Option 2: We seperate- but we then need to discuss what we do for the best for the children as I would need somewhere to live but cannot afford a mortgage and rent- so we would need to sell. or Option 3: Carry on as we are (that doesn't sound like a real option to me)

So now, where are is that she *says* it's over- but the advice on here tells me to not believe this- she is probably messaging him via another app etc (I am not naive) I was thinking of adopting the 180 approach,but I am not sure.

I have not been initiating any emotional contact, but I don't want her to think I don't want that because I do

She did say she would be willing to go to counselling, but not sure she will- part of me thinks if she doesn't this will tell me all I need to know.

Any advice?

Would the 180 approach not drive her further away emotionally?

She SAYS she wants to fight for the marriage but her actions demonstrate otherwise- any advice on this?

I am so confused right now.