Thank you all so much for your posts. I am rational enough to know that you are right. Still, it is so hard for me to act against my emotions. So I have to ask questions repeatedly, to erase all doubts coming from my emotions.
JujuB, what do you mean with "changing to cater to him will make him the excuse that he is angrier because you should have done that before". Is it ok in our sitch to prepare meals together, have activities with the kids together and have some smalltalk? I mean stop being pleasant is not on the 180 list.
I took it day by day. Get through 1 day without showing him emotions and pursuing relationshio talk. Then make it 2. Then 3. (Like you would if you were giving up sugar) post yoir days and accomplishments here. Whenbyou get pissed at him post here or write in a journal. Thats what i did and it helped.
I mean by that... in lets say you never made him breakfast in bed, and that was his big complaint about you. If you suddenly start doing that now, maybe to show him that you want to try and are willing to compromise to make him happy...hes not gonna take it that way. Hes gonna twist it to say "she could have done that all along but never bothered till now. See that just prooves what a bad wife she was to me. Her only incentive is me leaving. Too little too late.
You cant win with them at this point. They are gone and looking to justify being gone by villifying you.
So just work in your best interest. At least you will have your self respect.
I think being friendly is in your best interest and in the kids as well. Just dont take it as a sign that he wants to have a relationship talk. I was always told to work on friendship and keep things light and positive by the db coach. To act as if.
Thanks, JujuB. As for my LRT, I started a few months ago but I have never got to day 20. I always start from scratch. I will put much more effort to it now, manage it like an important project (which it is in a way) and posting helps :-)
I actually have alread experienced the too little too late effect in a special way. My GAL started with an ugly bomb drop (in a series of bomb drops) from his side. I fell sick then and lost a few pounds which was the starting point to lose far more pounds, to buy new clothes, dress up for work, start exercising again and so on. Some day, he admired the effects of my GAL but used it as a weapon against me. He said that this only proved that I didn't took his former expectations seriouly. I have no clue how to interpret this, how to react on this and whether I have to adjust something regarding my GAL if he is reacting in such a way.
In this regard, I have another question: In phases where I am quite successful with my LRT, I realize certain effects on my H. At first, he gets more relaxed and friendly. After a while however, seeing me upbeat and not pursuing him or initiating relationship talks, he seems to feel uncomfortable and blames me that I wouldn't take his wish to separate seriously that I would pretend normality where there isn't and that I would sit out separation. In a way, he expects that I have to do actions to press ahead with separation. Isn't this his job?
Maybe I shouldn't reflect too much on his reactions and simply move on. But I cannot ignore if he confronts me with such strange reactions and I need to have an idea how to answer instead of being lost for words.
In this regard, I have another question: In phases where I am quite successful with my LRT, I realize certain effects on my H. At first, he gets more relaxed and friendly. After a while however, seeing me upbeat and not pursuing him or initiating relationship talks, he seems to feel uncomfortable and blames me that I wouldn't take his wish to separate seriously that I would pretend normality where there isn't and that I would sit out separation. In a way, he expects that I have to do actions to press ahead with separation. Isn't this his job?
Yes it is his job. And you should do NOTHING to help him. The emotions he is going through related to your LRT are classic. It is driven by fear. Not fear of losing you but losing control over you. Your LRT and GAL are showing him he has no control over you, especially the control he used to have. Keep it up. He will either finally come to his senses or give up. My guess is the former, but you have to make sure before you give up on the LRT.
Originally Posted By: Gisela
Maybe I shouldn't reflect too much on his reactions and simply move on. But I cannot ignore if he confronts me with such strange reactions and I need to have an idea how to answer instead of being lost for words.
Great advice on the words to use that will show validation, but still emotional detachment. You are right, you shouldn't reflect so much (hard to do) but you definitely should react so much (a little easier but still hard). Read that thread. Put those phrases into place. Do not be emotional at all when you say the words to him (no anger, fear, sadness, etc).
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I actually have alread experienced the too little too late effect in a special way. My GAL started with an ugly bomb drop (in a series of bomb drops) from his side. I fell sick then and lost a few pounds which was the starting point to lose far more pounds, to buy new clothes, dress up for work, start exercising again and so on. Some day, he admired the effects of my GAL but used it as a weapon against me. He said that this only proved that I didn't took his former expectations seriouly. I have no clue how to interpret this, how to react on this and whether I have to adjust something regarding my GAL if he is reacting in such a way.
Don't react. That is the point of LRT, GAL and detachment. Do not react. He is acting out in this way because he feels that you GAL to try to manipulate him. You show him that is not the case by being consistent in action. NOT WORDS. Do not say to him "I am GAL because I have to move on." You just show him by continuing to GAL. But the key here is DO NOT REACT.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I can imagine if I work hard using the LRT and stop chasing that he WILL change his mind. But what happens then? Will he then return to our marriage or leave it broken in order to not have to admit a fault?
Gisela I am not sure if anyone responded to this question in particular so i will take a crack at it.
In the 2 months since BD (see the abbreviations thread), my wife has gone through every possibility under the sun.
1 Leave and file for D. 2 Stay and work on the R. 3 Stay and let everything go back to normal. 4 Stay but have a permanent S (sleep in separate beds). 5 Stay and be miserable (similar to option 3). 6 Leave and date each other. 7 Leave and still act like a family but have separate places to live.
Obviously she is trying to figure stuff out. And she is trying to find a perfect solution since the leaving has things she doesn't like, and the staying has things she doesn't like.
However, you have to be, when the time comes, unequivocal about what you will or won't tolerate.
For me, the only options of the list above are:
1 and 2. I might would eventually be open to 6 and/or 7, but I would not go into 1 with that mentality.
3, 4, and 5 are NOT OPTIONS FOR ME. She cannot stay unless she is 100% committed to working on the MR to make it better.
You have to set similar expectations for your way forward if your H finally comes around and decides he wants to stay. Staying doesn't mean staying the same. Staying means staying to heal and fix what was broken.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks Steve85. I wish I would be so clear-minded and straight-forward like you. Don't react is some good advice, especially since I tend to overreact. Yes, being manipulated is in general one of the biggest fears in life of my husband.
I like what you wrote about staying. It sounds like the contrary of what my H says: If he would go for reconciliation this would be like bowing to me and then I would start abusing him forever. Certainly, the LRT can slow down the process of separation, maybe stop it and freeze the current sitch. But before my H would decide to stay for one more trial, he must get a positive view on reconciliation. So I wonder how this could happen. I have to accept that I cannot influence him in this regard, can I? Definitely, I can focus on myself.
I am just experiencing one of this sad moments. The sun is shining, love songs in the radio, and I'm thinking of how my H and me would enjoy, I mean really enjoy, spring time, if he wouldn't adhere stubbornly to his decision to separate. Tears in my eyes. You see, I am not at all detached. I really like my GAL and regret that I didn't do that during our marriage, maybe then I would have been less pursuing and he less distancing. The LRT and letting go, however, that is all fake in my case, at least that is something my head is dictating, not my heart.
Steve85, I wonder how you can be so apparently strong-willed or whether it is all about faking.
I am just experiencing one of this sad moments. The sun is shining, love songs in the radio, and I'm thinking of how my H and me would enjoy, I mean really enjoy, spring time, if he wouldn't adhere stubbornly to his decision to separate. Tears in my eyes. You see, I am not at all detached. I really like my GAL and regret that I didn't do that during our marriage, maybe then I would have been less pursuing and he less distancing. The LRT and letting go, however, that is all fake in my case, at least that is something my head is dictating, not my heart.
Steve85, I wonder how you can be so apparently strong-willed or whether it is all about faking.
Gisela, good question. I struggle daily myself. If you read my thread you will see that. I am like you, sad most of the time wanting my old wife back. But I have to face reality that she is gone. Probably forever. And I need to decide whether or not the person she has become is someone I want in my life.
I never thought I would be here. But I am.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
