I don't want a divorce

[cat04]

KitCat,

I haven't posted in a very long time even though I have continued to read. A few things about your thread made me decide to post today.

I can't say that I agree with everything the others have said about your situation. Although there are some things that could possibly be true.

I don't have fear that your H has weapons. He is a hunter. It is an activity that he enjoys and it comes with the territory.

On that note, while it isn't easy to slaughter and butcher your own meat, it is very doable and not as messy as one would expect. You just need to have a place to hang and bleed the deer first. The rest takes practice in order to make it pretty and not waste the meat. We do it here at home. This year was a pretty crappy year for hunting though...No deer in our house...sigh...

You really need to read DB/DR as soon as you get it. This is not a magic bullet and there are no guarantees that it will save your marriage, however, it gives you your best shot at getting through this with the tools needed to have a healthy relationship.

Too often we get stuck in ruts. We become comfortable. We make assumptions because we are married/committed that we will always be married/committed and there will always be time to fix whatever needs to be fixed.

It sounds to me that is probably at least part of what happened in your case.

You mentioned that physical touch is very important to your H. In the early part of your relationship you met his need for physical touch, but that went away over time. Is that because it was something that you were doing because he needed it or because it was something that is part of your nature?

I ask because I too have experienced this to a degree. For me, physical touch is part of my nature so I had to explore why it slowed down for me before I was truly able to begin to try to make changes. I think for a lot of women, we get busy with life and it becomes just something else on the "to do" list, however it is something that is too important to be allowed to remain there.

I commend you for looking inward and really examining your H's complaints and making attempts to change what he has complained about. That is part of DB 101. Do something different...

I will caution you though that it is possible to do too much. You can't twist yourself into a pretzel to try to please your H just to remain married. It isn't fair, it isn't reasonable, and it isn't going to work.

Changes, while they can be in relation to complaints that you deem valid, also need to be real for YOU, so that they can become internalized and become part of you. Or they won't last and you will go back to the way you were, which is why too much won't work.

What I would suggest to you, is to slow down and breathe...

This did not happen overnight and you aren't going to fix it overnight either.

If your H asks what you are doing and you are comfortable telling him, then tell him. If you don't want to tell him, then don't. I know that sounds really simplistic and a little crappy, but it really is the answer.

You don't know why he is asking. He may simply be curious. He may be fearful that you are planning to file or having an affair. He may be attempting to be controlling. Who knows... You aren't a mind reader but you are an adult.

You mentioned that you like to knit and that it calms your nerves. What do you make? I crochet when I can find the time so I understand what you mean.

One other question and I will end this increadibly long and spotty post...

You mentioned that your H asked for MC a few years ago. What was going on then in your R?

Cat