So, I went to meet my ex from 20 years ago last weekend, I had not seen her for all of those 20 years, spoken to her or had any idea of her life. I arrived with no expectations of anything and was just looking forward to having a chat and something to eat.
Initially, it was awkward and I thought this will be over in a couple of drinks. But then it suddenly became easy, really easy! It was actually more awkward being awkward. The night went on and we had a really good time, we weren't even flirting, it was just kind of like everything fit together.
We spoke briefly about the past and I was quite surprised to hear things were not quite how I remembered them, not totally different but things actually made a lot of sense. There was no physical cheating on her part, which I always actually expected anyway as I remember how awkward it was for her at such a young age, I was way more experienced and had always been with much older girls. It wouldn't have bothered me either way as it's in the past, but her explanation was pretty interesting. I guess as teenagers we have a lot going on in our lives at such a pivotal time.
So the night went on and eventually we kissed. I can't actually hardly remember anything about our R when we were kids, it was a very difficult time for me and I guess I just erased my memories of my life then, but I did always remember kissing her.
So we spent the night together and went our separate ways in the morning. I've been with women since my M broke up, and every time it was just awkward without the familiarity and ease of knowing someone. With her, it wasn't familiar at all, we never really had much of a sex life cause we were kids and we only actually slept together once and it was pretty awful really. But, this time it all just fit together, it felt very comfortable even though she is far from my usual type.
We're meeting up again and seeing where it goes, we've discussed where we're both at. We both have huge commitments ourselves and we live miles apart, I have limited free time and have a lot of plans over the next two years, I'm happy where I am and with myself, I don't need anyone else to make me happy. I'm not blind to where she is either, I was her first love, she has never stopped loving me all these years but like me is also finding herself again after coming out of a long troubling R although not as fresh as mine. Its a tough one because you could say we're setting ourselves up to get hurt, but you could also say we're giving each other something that we both need. The distance makes it easy to actually take things very slowly, we both agree our kids come first always and with such distance, there is no chance of the kids being involved with each other which I would never allow anyway. Also, I can't say I don't share a lot of her feelings, I never actually remembered loving her, but it was pretty obvious after spending time with her that I did, and actually still do. We've shared how we feel but both feel it doesn't change anything, we're giving each other something and we're both free to discover what that might be in the years to come.
Situation with STBXW:
So with that out the way, the current sitch with my W. I've held fast to the NC, its working very well, she has shunned mediation again and I gave one last chance, she responded and I need to book in a date for the joint meeting. The kids are struggling more than ever, my 10 yr old D found them in bed together in her room! not good!! The report came back from child services and painted me as an emotional mess from an interview within days of me finding out and starting again with the kids with a few bin bags full of clothes for me and the kids. The narrative seems to say I should just be absolutely fine with everything! It also contains things I never said, which is worrying although doesn't really affect anything. My W has to go on a course as they're concerned she is unable to parent the children. She has lost more friends and is using the kids to emotionally blackmail me into giving her money, the kids are convinced I'm rolling in money and she is broke. They bring it up all the time, if only they knew! I've hidden my money troubles from them to just let them be kids. And while yes I am financially better off, its because I didn't max out credit cards and raid our savings for jolly's with the OM!
Other than that, I pay no attention to whats going on in her life. Especially after returning to my hometown and some old friends coming forward to tell me she was repeatedly unfaithful in our early relationship, which I always suspected anyway, I'll never know the extent of it and I don't want to. I simply said, well that's in the past and it has no bearing on my life anymore. I've written so much that I wanted to say to her in mediation, but now I find myself completely disconnected from it all. I'm still hurting I suppose, but that's to be expected, it's actually more about the loss of the family unit.
On my way back from my hometown on the train, I actually cried even though I was happy. I realized my old life is dead, and a new one is waiting for me with endless possibilities! I'm sad that I wasted so long on a women who her self-admitted she was never good enough for me, she loved me massively, but even after all those years was incapable of being the person I thought she was. I know that she will likely circle back a few times in the future, but I'm not willing to put myself through that again. I met an old guy in a pub who's wife had died from cancer, he said in most relationships one always loves the other more, it might only be 49/51 but it will cause issues, the trick is for it to go back and forth giving more love when needed by the other. I think I spent a long long time chasing that 1 percent with no flux back the other way and I'd forgotten what it feels like to actually be loved. In my brief encounter with my old ex from 20 years ago, I've felt what it feels like to actually be with someone who is capable of giving that type of love, and its freed me.
