WAS just served me with papers!!!

[SH_]

In regards to action, I start doing ok with the actions such GAL and 180's but then i fall apart for a day. I then start to GAL and do 180s again.

Why do you GAL and 180?
What goals are you trying to accomplish with these actions?

In your answers to these questions, you will find strength...or that which is holding you back.

Ponder on that for a bit.

Many of us fall apart at times throughout this process...be accepting of this...and self forgiving when it happens.

What is difficult and what causes me to remain stuck and undetached is when I watch him make more steps into the divorce. example, he is moving into his sisters house. This caused so many emotions in me and then I broke down for a day or two./quote]

Watching him proceed with the D is difficult...but it is not what causes you to remain stuck and un-detached.

To accept that as your reason for being stuck is the equivilent of the chain smoker saying that the cigarettes he smokes are the reason he does not get up and exercise so that he can improve his health.

Will there be hurt and pain?
Yes...
Will it hurt to take action to heal?
Yes...

You choose if you are to work towards progress...or lose another day due to his actions...pain accompanies both choices...but one will lend to healing and strength.

The other offers simply hurt and pain with no gain.


[quote=winner] I know that detachment is a process.

Yes it is...it is also a choice.

Much like good physical health is a process and a choice.

In all honesty, I think I fear detachment because deep down it scares me to know that if I detach he is gone forever.

Fear is one of the biggest symptoms of codependency and very unhealthy attachment issues.

The irony in your statement here, is that your fear of detachment has nothing to do with whether he is gone forever or not...

I am well aware, that this is not true and that I cannot control his behaviors nor his choices. But if I am being honest, this is what is probably causing me to remain stuck.

Remaining stuck is simply a choice...do you choose to get up and put in the work?
Or will you remain stuck and allow fear to convince you that his actions are causing you to stay stuck?

People come to these forums to find support. I know for me this was the main reason as well as to hear success stories. The reconciliation stories are hopeful but are few and then sometimes I feel defeated. This is the honest truth. [/quote=winner]

So very true...we all came here for support and to see success stories.
Sadly, many leave here because there definition of support does not match the reality of what support is provided here.
They also leave because they do not find their "definition" of success stories here.

Either way, they leave and forfeit the support and success because they were attached to what they believed to be the only way forward.

I came here to find stories of LBS that were able to reconcile...and as you say, there are very few...but I disagree with you about the success stories.

This forum is full of them...there are amazing people that have stuck around here for years paying it forward because their stories have become stories of success.

I am grateful every day that folks here are quick to share the true principles and signs of success, and that I was able to recognize and embrace it...DB from MWD is prompt to point out in all of her guidance, that the steps we can follow create the best chance to reconcile, but even though the true chance of that happening is slim, we can find ourselves and become the much better version of ourselves that we can be.

This my dear winner is a cold, hard, wonderful and amazing truth in the thick of all that we each go through.

Are you willing to accept this?

Without acceptance of this truth...defeat is inevitable.

[quote=winner]
I keep thinking about what my husband said last " I do not want a divorce but it is what I need." This kills me and I hate it

Rumination is a very unhealthy habit for the emotional well being of a person. You need to take action for this as it will wear you out.


winner,

I know this feels very much like a barrage of 2X4's, that is not my intent, but I share this because the journey of a thousand miles starts with one step.
You know what they say about eating an elephant...

You asked what I suggest you start with...
Let's start with you reading the detachment thread that you received in Cadet's welcome post.

Detachment

Once you have read and studied it, share a plan of action that you will begin.

I would also recommend you seek out assistance in the form of an IC, coach or trusted friend to assist you. This will require that you have some guidance and accountability for your progress.

And my other recommendation is to look into meditation
This has been instrumental in my efforts to sort out the chaotic thoughts that can lead us down the tunnels of despair.
You can find a myriad of material and resources for this. Find what works for you...but make a goal to be consistent with it...consistency is key.

I can relate to the challenges that you share.
I can tell you, that with persistent, intentional action, you can, and will gain the strength needed to get to a place that you will forever be grateful for.

You owe it to yourself to do so.

(((((winner)))))