Hi artista and jujube, unfortunately I have to admit that it is so obviously true what you write. And, unfortunately as well, I feel that there are many sides of the coins ... and many truths. These might be wishful thinking, but they also might be the keys for reconciliation. Let me tell you those many aspects why I feel in such a huge dilemma. (A lot of text will follow, so sorry for that.) Yes, he is done with me. He completely felt out of love. But neither because he is bored nor because he is a walk away husband nor because he is in a midlife crisis nor because he fell in love with another women. He is done with me bc I did hurt him again and again. Actually, we did hurt each other again and again (doesn't matter for the current sitch, how we did that) bc our conflict behavior was so incompatible. (Strangely enough, we have improved a lot recently ...) The difference between us is that he in general tends to be an unforgiving person in contrast to me. And he believes that it is too much effort to work on a more compatible conflict behavior. He says that in order to reconcile we would need a therapy (I agree) but it would take 3 years he doesn't want to spend. Strangely, we are struggling with separating now for a similar period of time without any true progress. I would have loved to spend this time in a therapy with him. So I think he lost his own track because he feels so much pain. I want to find a way to relieve him from that. I have read so many books about how to apologize ... he once said that he only accepts apologies from children not from adults bc adults are accountable and forgiving an adult person means letting the person doing the same mistakes all over again. So he is a truly unforgiving person. That he is from time to time chatting and online dating is more a sign of despair. He is really desperate about our situation, he wants to prove himself that he will be able to perform the separation and find a new love. That he hurts me by doing that is something he completely blends out. He told me several times that he has so many wonderful memories of his love for me - he has shut them away in order to not lose them. That he hasn't moved out yet is because both of us do not want to hurt the children if not utterly necessary. We live a good life as a family. As a conclusion, what prevents a reconciliation is him feeling so much pain, him being a rather unforgiving person, him being convinced that there is no way to make our conflict behaviors more compatible, him believing that our relationship is broken to such an extent that it cannot be repaired. Call it wishful thinking, but I think that he is in a deplorable condition and he should look for professional help to find a way out of this condition but not out of our marriage. I even think that it would be healthy for both of us that he would move out so that he can see that separation is the worst, but not the best solution. If there weren't the children, I would not only try to stick to the LRT but probably try to initiate that he moves out. So far we really shared 50/50 in taking care of the children. It would be easier if I would be the more important attachment person for the children but I am not. We are both 50/50 attachment persons for them. That prevents a trial separation and that would make a separation so hurtful for all of us. I do in no way depend on my H, I could live on my own, I feel self-confident, I even feel upbeat blending the relationship issue out. I simply do not want to let this family be destroyed. I am convinced that my H, our children, and me, that each one of us would have a FAR worse life after a separation, and that our problems are solvable (if we go to a therapy). Yes, I see the problem in saying that ... that I know better what is good for all of us than my H. But I think that my H feels he same underneath all his own despair ... otherwise he would have moved out a long time ago. Maybe I am completely wrong and you will give me a friendly reality check that I am the most starry-eyed person in this forum or the near future will give me a horrible reality check. But so far I still believe that I am not completely wrong.
