I have said to many of you: Stay true to YOUR morals and values.
I know how some of you feel about labelling our ex's.. as i research and tried to understand what on earth was going on, and analysing ex's actions and my own over the years, i see borderline personality disorder in him and post traumatic stress disorder in me.
I know through my marriage, i enabled ex-h to take advantage of me. I know i have kept my mouth shout because i put blinders on for the sake of my children.
I know, a few years prior to bomb, i started talking as i had way to much weight put on me from his demand and i slowly started to say NO. I stood my ground and he was left having to step up which created him to resent and verbally abuse me.
At bomb, he was already in la-la-land. I had nothing more to lose since he had left. So i let it ALL out. Everything i knew, everything i saw in him, everything i felt and everything i saw as my truth.
We both cycled but i also came to the realisation that by doing so, i was becoming as abusive to him as he was to me. I pulled back and started the work on me FOR MYSELF AND FOR THE KIDS. He was battling alone and it infuriated him. Making him angry to the point of being borderline physically abusive. He used intimidation, blackmail, emotions, pity, blame, guilt ...
If i remember correctly, it was Beatrice on this site who had told me: "you already know you are reacting this way only with your ex. Your problem is not as big as you see it."
I never forgort those words. He could not change me and i could not change him. I was responsable of the person i would grow to become on my way out of this mess.
I took responsability for my outcome. I stopped participating and i set him free to do his own work.
Beatrice words also made me realise that , in my ex's story, he has angry outburst and very few meaningful relationships with everyone. He is seen as a very angry and miserable man. NOTHING AND NO ONE IS GOOD ENOUGH. Here and there, and for a short period of time, WE ARE THE BEST THERE IS.
Ex-h is aware of this and he calls himself mentally ill like his father( which he has never met but have heard of from family members)
Ex-h do love all of us.including me. He has no control on his emotions and he is afraid of what he might do to me on his outburst. ( and so am i ).
Deep down in my heart, i beleive ex-h left in order to offer me and the children a better life. All his OW are him going along on his ride.
He will not get help. He accept himself and his life this way no matter how miserable he is.
I wish i could send him some reading material on the subject but i am afraid to be pulled back in and put myself in harm's way.
Bpd for him caused ptsd for me.
All of this is a huge factor in me creating new relationship. Friends, no problem... intimate relationship.. unsurmontable amount of fears..
Last edited by job; 02/17/1805:33 AM. Reason: edited a sentence for poster
