Nice guy Syndrome!

[Element]

Your actions need to be solely focused on doing what's right for you and the kids. Don't do anything hoping it'll wake your W up, or snap her out of it, or give her a "dose of reality". Because it probably won't, and that'll just leave you disappointed and wondering if you are doing the right thing. If you feel an S is appropriate at this time (who would blame you after a 4 year separation) then by all means proceed. But don't be surprised if your W welcomes the notion of taking this step to end things permanently.

I get what you’re saying, and yes I don’t have grand illusions that she’ll snap out of it because I’m pulling back and GAL. On the other hand I recognize what I’ve been doing has not been working to repair the MR. After all we’ve been thru I don’t know how I’d respond if she were to try and get me back. I certainly would not fall back into her arms as I really believe she has a lot of issues she needs to work thru. But ya, I recognize that I have not properly detached and she still has a place in my heart. Marriage means a lot to me, I’m a long term thinker. I would not outright dismiss the chance to try again knowing now what not to do.

What would you be "exposing", that a woman that has been separated for 4 years finally went out on a date? I doubt anyone would find that shocking or surprising. It's not your job to do that anyway, people will find out. You don't need to be the messenger, that just makes you look like the petty one.

I get your point, and if she was just lining up a date, my reaction would be quite different. For one, she’s been secretly been carrying on with a married man who has 3 kids. Yes, I understand her secrecy around this given that people may judge her as a home wrecker. How often she has hooked with him I’m not too sure, but they definitely have had some infrequent hookups over the last 6 months or so. Just last week when speaking to my W she tells me that she hasn’t and isn’t seeing anyone, and doesn’t think anyone would want to be with her the way she is. And ya, she’s got a lot of baggage for someone actually an R, not just a tryst. She’s very attractive and has no problem getting men’s attention, but I know she’s not the tryst type, she yearns for R and that’s where all the other crap comes out of the closet. So anyways, she’s lying to me about this, and ya I’m being judgmental in that it’s with a guy who is married with kids, because I just don’t think that’s right. But no, I’m not going to expose that I’m aware to her, or confront the OM or OM’s W. through this forum and talking with others there’s a whole slew of reasons not to do that. One I had not considered was what if the OM or OM’s W goes nuts and comes after my W or my family. Who the hell knows. I see how stupid that would be of me to start a series of reactions that may be devastating. But it’s funny how thinking thru these things messes with your head. At one point I was thinking I could snail mail an anonymous “somebody’s been a bad boy” letter to this guy. But I realize that’s just stupid jealously on my part and does nothing for me to detach from her, in fact does the opposite. So I’m thankful for all the sound advice posted here.