Let me warn you, and then you won't let your guard down........I hope. Your W is going to play games and temp check, to see if you really are through with the MR. She'll ask if you can be friends, but don't agree to be her BFF. A WW will abuse it, b/c she doesn't see the friendship in the same way as the H. So, wait for her to say how she hopes the two of you can remain friends. Then tell her you will be civil but that you are not interested in having a friendship. This is important, Petri. She may react to that news in a variety of ways, but stick to your guns about this matter. Don't share this what I am about to tell you, but becoming her friend, is a demotion from being her H. In time, and if she changes.....and if you change, and she is willing to work on the MR, then you can go through a period of being friends.....while you work toward getting back together........and, getting counseling to go back into the M as H and W.
Another warning....... expect her to pursue you with a host of text messaging, replying to your FB comments, etc. If it is nothing important about your kids, then don't reply. Don't try to be "nice". If you have to give a reply, use as few words as possible. You aren't trying to form a relationship with her. You are letting go. You don't have to tiptoe around her to keep her in a better mood. It is not your job.
Another warning is to expect her to make comments that makes it sound as if you were the one to pull the plug, and as if you were the one who gave up just as she was "considering" giving the M another shot. It's all b.s. You have to ignore it, and whatever you do......don't respond to those comments. Let her say or think whatever she chooses. It is really liberating when you get to the place you can do this and it doesn't bother you anymore. If she feels better making you the bad guy.......so be it. You know the truth. You don't have to sign up to battle her mindset from now on to the day you die. Why should you? It does no good to try to persuade her differently.
The successes I have seen IRL are the couples who separate physically, and live separate lives. They put physical space between them, and give each other emotional space. Sometimes it takes a couple of years before they start slowly contacting each other occasionally, and then they try at being friends. Eventually, they start going out together. They don't rush into a R. If they need therapy/counseling or some type of M program to help them in their issues, they do it......before trying to live under the same roof. Old problems have to be repaired, resolved, and forgiven.......in order to have a new MR.
Maybe none of this sounds encouraging, but I want you to know there is hope.....if you want it. However, you can't have what you want overnight. Not when it involves the kind of problems you and your W currently have. Your hope is placed in how well you are able to let her go. It takes time, space, individual change, and GAL. I do not suggest you get involved with another woman, b/c this often creates additional problems. Just make a life for yourself that has nothing to do with your W. Don't try to cling to the circles that included her, her relatives, her old haunts, etc. Don't attend traditional family events or celebrations. You start your own. The kids get birthday parties at mom's, and another one at dad's place.
The next few days you are going to experience depressed feelings, so plan activities that will help you feel better. See movies you like, eat comfort food, watch comedy shows, go to music shows.......whatever you like. Don't watch sad love stories, observe other young couples/families, and things that will pull down even more. Hang around your buddies. Hang out on the board reading the links in Cadet's homework page. Read a self-help book. Plan activities to do this year, and fill up your calendar. Plan ahead fun things with your kids (without your W, of course). By the end of the year, who knows how your life will improve. Will it include your W? Maybe, but nothing in life is a garantee. All we can do is what's right for us, and make the most it.
((hugs))
You have to be your own best friend, Petri.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
