My Journey with WAS (Part 8)

[TBSakaJ9]

The negative self talk hasn't been good mentally and I am trying to find out ways to get out of the mental funk.

Yo M......no negative self talk around here. What about yourself do you like? Who is M? What kind of guy is he?

[Maika]

You know J, i dunno what it is. I know intellectually that W was a crappy spouse too, and what my value is and what kind of a person I am. But somehow, emotionally, I am just feeling a bit stuck lately. I don't understand why I am kinda hung up. I think it's just my depressive tendencies kicking in and I need to go chat with my IC to figure out strategies to manage it.

I am trying very hard to focus on myself being the prize and not Plan B. I just need to feel better about myself and self affirmations and self compassion needs to happen daily.

[Maika]

Quitting smoking has also created this void. It is getting less and less every day, but it has created a sense of emptiness. I am taking that as par for the course for life after quitting smoking. I just need to fill it up with something positive.

So, my mental funk might also be linked with having taken something out of my life, even though it was a negative thing.

[TBSakaJ9]

Well hang in there dude....maybe your IC would be best. When I start to feel down I think about who I am and what I have to offer. I also think about what a crappy spouse she was as well. This morning I was running on the treadmill and got stuck in a loop. I cranked up the speed and powered through it, I shifted my mind to focusing on the workout and channeled the anger as I started sprinting and sweating harder.

Sorry you are struggling......

[DblDown]

Hi M, hang in there, the lows during this suck! For me, working out and mindfulness have lessened their impact. They're still there but not at the forefront. Time is our best and worst enemy. For me each day is so slow, overthinking everything but I know with time it will get easier.

Reading about AS's post D shenanigans has certainly lightened my mood!

[AnotherStander]

Thanks for giving me a good glimpse of what is possible on the other side.

Of course!

I am looking forward to getting to a place where I will be ready to venture out in the dating world. Right now I am just focusing on my goals and meeting people and being social.

Great focus! That's actually kind of an interim step to preparing yourself for dating, because you have to get past that "husband" mindset first (which is tough after you've been married a long time).

I am making some financial adjustments soon and joining this xfit gym by summer - there is absolutely no doubt about that. My blood pressure is in range now and that is what I was worried about most - I didn't want to crap out during a workout and end up in emergency.

The workouts can be very, very taxing and there will be men and women there that are way above your skill level. And of course your tendency is to try and keep up with them (or at least mine was!) But just try to keep in mind that none of them started out at that level and scaling workouts back is completely acceptable. Even now having done it almost 2 years I rarely do workouts at the "RX" level. If you start feeling really winded then slow down! Whenever I start thinking I'm lagging too far behind the others I stop and ask myself "but are YOU getting a good workout?" Because that's all that really matters.

As a side note, one of my goals since starting there was to be able to do a bar muscle-up (in Crossfit it's kind of a "holy grail" to be able to do them). I kept trying and failing over and over again. Finally I was like "OK this isn't working, let's get back to basics." So I talked to guys there that could do them and asked for advise, I watched YouTube videos, and I came up with progression exercises. I quit trying to do them and instead worked on progressions in the gym before and after workouts (starting about a month ago). Yesterday one of the coaches opened the gym for a while (no set WOD, you do whatever you want on Sundays) so I went up there and was warming up with some progressions. I felt pretty good so decided to try again and did one so smoothly and easily it left me wondering why I had ever had trouble with them. And once I did one it just clicked in my head, I ended up doing a dozen mixed in with other stuff before I left for the day.

^^^ And I share that because for me that's what DB'ing is too, if what you are doing is not working then stop and go back to basics. Work on the smaller steps first, and then later the big steps won't seem so big after all.

But somehow, emotionally, I am just feeling a bit stuck lately. I don't understand why I am kinda hung up. I think it's just my depressive tendencies kicking in and I need to go chat with my IC to figure out strategies to manage it.

I am trying very hard to focus on myself being the prize and not Plan B. I just need to feel better about myself and self affirmations and self compassion needs to happen daily.

You're about 9 months post-BD now, for me that was just about the time that I started coming to grips with the fact that my M was not just going to "go back to normal" at some point and I was having to come to grips with establishing a "new normal". Part of that is figuring out who you are, what you want, and how you are going to go about that. It's a transition phase and there's a lot of soul-searching and confusion that goes with it. Try not to think of it as "being stuck" but rather as another step in the process of becoming who you will be moving forward.

[Maika]

Whenever I start thinking I'm lagging too far behind the others I stop and ask myself "but are YOU getting a good workout?" Because that's all that really matters.

Yeah totally! My aim with xfit first will be to learn the proper form and execute it well, and then load up over time. I want to be able to do this for many many years to come, so bad form just leads to injuries and then you're toast. I am taking the same approach with my climbing. I tried to go up the skill grades really fast and realized that I was just climbing sloppy and pushing my fingers beyond what they can do right now and risk injury. So, I scaled back massively and adjusted my goals to become a 'good, smart, and technically proficient' climber, rather than one that can climb the hardest grades. The hard grades will come in time and I want to enjoy the process rather than just focus on some outcome.

You're about 9 months post-BD now, for me that was just about the time that I started coming to grips with the fact that my M was not just going to "go back to normal" at some point and I was having to come to grips with establishing a "new normal". Part of that is figuring out who you are, what you want, and how you are going to go about that. It's a transition phase and there's a lot of soul-searching and confusion that goes with it. Try not to think of it as "being stuck" but rather as another step in the process of becoming who you will be moving forward.

Yeah you're right AS.

I am digging deep right now to understand who I am and what I want, and the process of getting there. I saw W today briefly and I looked at her and thought to myself - do I really want to be with her? It wasn't an immediate yes but a weak maybe.

I think the sitch is heading into D territory slowly, which I am fine with. The growing pains of shedding the 'husband' identity and coming up with a personal identity has definitely been the process right now. I am getting there!

[AnotherStander]

Yeah totally! My aim with xfit first will be to learn the proper form and execute it well, and then load up over time.

Yes, exactly! Heavier weights are a lot easier to lift when your form is dialed in. Try moving heavy weights too soon and you end up doing all kinds of weird cheats that just open you to up to injury.

That said, you'll experience a lot of new aches and pains starting out and have to work through them. I had severe shoulder pain that had me seriously thinking about quitting. I talked to the coaches and started going in earlier and added shoulder mobility to my warmups. A couple months later my shoulders were better than they have been in many years. Same thing happened when I started doing heavier squats and deadlifts, but with my hip joints. I cut back on the weights and eventually worked through it and started adding weight again and am now at new maxes (210% my bodyweight on deadlifts!) and pain-free. It's definitely a balancing act.

So, I scaled back massively and adjusted my goals to become a 'good, smart, and technically proficient' climber, rather than one that can climb the hardest grades. The hard grades will come in time and I want to enjoy the process rather than just focus on some outcome.

Very cool, I bet that's a blast! Great GAL activity!

I am digging deep right now to understand who I am and what I want, and the process of getting there. I saw W today briefly and I looked at her and thought to myself - do I really want to be with her? It wasn't an immediate yes but a weak maybe.

That's where I was at your point too. Wasn't sure one way or the other. Now it's a definite "no". For various reasons, that ship has sailed. I still have feelings for my XW and look back fondly on our years together. But recon? Not interested.

The growing pains of shedding the 'husband' identity and coming up with a personal identity has definitely been the process right now. I am getting there!

I think you are probably doing a lot better than you think you are I know it's tough on you and some days are awful. But you've got a lot of inner strength and character that shows through here and it will carry you through this and you will come out of it as an unstoppable force. That's not a prediction, I know it will happen whether you know it yet or not

[Maika]

I cut back on the weights and eventually worked through it and started adding weight again and am now at new maxes (210% my bodyweight on deadlifts!) and pain-free. It's definitely a balancing act.

That's awesome man. Yeah, my goal would be similar as well. Get the form right, do stretches and make sure take the time for recovery, and keep adding the weight.

That's where I was at your point too. Wasn't sure one way or the other. Now it's a definite "no". For various reasons, that ship has sailed. I still have feelings for my XW and look back fondly on our years together. But recon? Not interested.

Ha ha! I totally get that. I think I am very close to the 'no' zone and the D territory. I'll explain below.

I think you are probably doing a lot better than you think you are

I think so too. I had this attractive woman flirt with me this morning as I got my coffee and for the first time I had a relaxed conversation with her. I didn't feel like I was doing anything wrong. In the past I would've shut it down, but I am getting more comfortable with the 'husband' identity being shed.

But you've got a lot of inner strength and character that shows through here and it will carry you through this and you will come out of it as an unstoppable force. That's not a prediction, I know it will happen whether you know it yet or not

Thanks AS! I appreciate the kind feedback. Sometimes it's hard to see if you've gotten stronger and improved, but I know I have and the time to take baby steps and reflect and act has been helpful.

So, in terms of me saying that I am closer to the 'no' & D zone is because I had a short interaction with W today and it didn't go so well. Basically, she's still got the same level of anger as I remember during BD. I hadn't done anything wrong and needed to chat with her about some kid stuff, which she twisted around and made it about something it was not.

I kept my cool and calm and just ended the convo after we finished discussing what it was. Despite NC/dark and giving her all the space in the world, she hasn't even gone down a grade in her anger. She had told me once after BD that it will take years for her to get past all of this.

Every time I've had a conversation with her, which have only been a handful in the past few months, she has always turned them around into something they're not and raged at me in some way.

So, this tells me that she's not taken any accountability for her actions and is still raging and blaming me for everything. I really don't see why I would want to be with her anymore. Today's convo just turned me off even more.

She needs to work through her anger and see someone professionally. She has a host of issues that she needs to deal with and she hasn't. I am not waiting around for years for her to figure this out. I am moving on and doing the best I can for myself and the kids.

I know this takes time, but no change in anger or her approach to conversations. I am just going to not engage over the phone. Keeping it strictly to texting and over serious business that needs to be discussed.

She just comes across as this hateful person who hasn't done anything to be self-critical and hold herself accountable and responsible for her actions. It's just so unattractive and I am done with it.

[TBSakaJ9]

Dude...you are going to be far from fine you are going to be awesome! You’re a young man with a bright future ahead of you. This is just a blip on the radar of life. To take a quote from Swingers.......You’re so money you don’t even know your money!

I went to the gym this am and saw one of my Ws friends who got D’d last year. She just looked old and broken not high on life at all, no vibrance. Anyway that is how I am starting to view my W and as you continue to grow you will do the same. I feel so far beyond her at this point that I couldn’t imagine going back.