Getting ready to move forward

[LH19]

How to move on now? Any concrete ideas? Remove her and her family/friends from facebook? Start seeing other people?

Come on man. Have learned anything from DB? You have a lot of work to do on yourself. Your'e not ready to date.

If you do not go through the complete process of letting go, grieving, healing you are going to prolong the suffering. There are not shortcuts!

What are your personal goals for you and your kids? Are you exercising.

Read ATPEACE's thread and find out what happens when you try to take shortcuts.

There are no tricks to get your W back.

[petri]

I know I have a lot to do for me. I don't wont to put other people in a sitch where I'm potentially going to hurt them. And any sane person wouldn't put oneself in that sitch either.
And you're right LH. Now I need to focus on me and my kids.

Right now I'm partially relieved and partially torn apart. I'll check those threads. Little by little forward we go.

[petri]

I have to say that my WW is actually nice. She texted me "It's up to you Pete when you let go." And she's right. I need to let go. I just don't know how.

[TBSakaJ9]

P....IMO removing people from Facebook, Instagram, etc. is just a ploy by the LBS to get some reaction from the WW. I am still friends with my W on Facebook but I never go on Facebook so for me it's whatever. I am not in high school.

I can tell you from my personal experience if you follow Sandi's rules to a T you will begin to detach, heal yourself and gain confidence. Your W has a confirmed OM, there is nothing more to say. Time for P to start enforcing his boundaries.

I did not have a confirmed OM in my sitch (although I have always thought there was) but when my W told me she wanted to Separate in 3 months and stay in the house I told her it wasn't going to work for me and she needed to move out ASAP. She moved out within 3 weeks and then I told her she needed to open up her own bank account. Once she did and her checks got re-directed I took away her debit card to our joint account, credit card and checkbook. We agreed on a financial arrangement and I went as dim as I could due to the kids. If she wanted to move out then these things were going to happen.

If you follow Sandi's rules to a T, I mean eat, sleep and breathe them, you will move forward with your dignity in-tact whether you save your MR or not.

I get it you have kids, mine are younger than yours. It does suck for them but I can tell you from my personal experience that if you are fine, they will be fine. My children are as happy as they have ever been.

You are hanging on to something that no longer exists. It is a horrible experience and I am truly sorry but it is time to let go. Letting go for me started by expediting our Separation and enforcing Sandi's rules.

Peace to you and your family P.

[petri]

Thanks J.

I really need to go through sandi's rules again and again. I've gone by them for a good time. I should have declined the R talk. I was doing pretty good up to that point. She caught me guards down. How can I be so fudging stupid? I just need to get up and do what I did before.

Hopefully we get the house sold fast so I can really start to move forward b/c this current sitch is killing me. And that way I can go as dark as possible. And I have something that's really mine. For the first time in my life.

My kids have started to lie and steal(from friends). W says it's all b/c of their age. And maybe so. Maybe I see everything through D glasses right now.

Now I have to print sandi's rules and tattoo them to my brain. It's funny how I've told people here that marriage is just an institution and there's no need to be afraid of it. And here I am...scared sh**less. How stupid is that?

"Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But when you hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fall apart, that's true strength."

[petri]

Oh fudge. I went through the rules again. I've stick to all of them. In a week I've "broken" quite a olt of them! Holy stupidity P-man...

[TBSakaJ9]

P....your not stupid, this isn't easy. Letting your W go is strength. Implement and follow the rules ASAP. Hold the line, don't waiver. I only interact with my W if it is kid or finance related and it is generally via email or text. Very rarely do I ever ask who, what, where, when, why questions and I do not talk about us. When we do interact I am nice, polite and friendly. I am not rude, short, etc.

This is how you can show her you are moving on.

[petri]

J...I've been doing the same. And I thought I was doing well. Then some crumbs were thrown to my feet like sandi pointed out and I was on my knees right away. Should of seen that coming. I never ask anything about her plans etc...and our comm has only been about kids, finances and other practical things that need to be solved. And that's where I'm going back. I need to remind me about rule no. 37...

[TBSakaJ9]

I get it....as you gain strength and confidence it will be easier to hold the line. We all mistakes early on, if you do just pick yourself up and move on. IMO though the set-backs do more damage than what we like to admit. Every time you do it just lets your W know you are still around. It is even worse if you string a few good months together and then backslide.

I struggled for the first 1.5 months but the last time I crumbled she really put me in place and I vowed to never do it ever again.

[Maika]

I echo what J just said. I was all over the crumbs early on... it really wrecked me, especially in the first few months after BD. The crumbs were so tempting that I railed against DB, thought my case was totally different than others here, and didn't really commit to the rules.

My wake up call was when I temp checked her as I was tired of the crumbs because I couldn't tell if they were crumbs or genuine attempts from her. She put me in my place.. HARD.. like CRUSHED ME...

It made me feel so small, pathetic, desperate, and beta male. I vowed I would not do that again and I never wanted to feel that way again. I committed back to the rules and it has helped me immensely to grow, detach, and figure my life out. I've had an emotional setback recently, but I am back on track.

Just know that if she can drop BD on you, then she can very well show you without a doubt that she wants to recon or work on the MR or whatever. If she's throwing crumbs, they are what they are.. nothing more... don't be tempted to think that she is throwing crumbs because she is meek or trying to test things out... it is definitely not that... especially in the beginning.

stay strong and follow the rules..