But W wants to go to MC to talk. Clear things. Do I refuse or should I use this as an opportunity to dump her?
What good will MC do, if she has OM? Most times, a WW will suggest MC, not to reconcile the MR, but more as a way of saying she tried everything and nothing worked. Some WW's find a counselor who is not pro-marriage, but a divorce counselor in disguise. So, my vote would be to tell her you are not interested in seeing a MC, or anything else, as long as she is involved with with someone else. Not to try and persuade or pressure her, but to shut this game down. If you tell her anything, tell her you are done. (Doesn't mean you feel that way, but feelings follow actions). Show some self respect.
You don't have to settle for crumbs, Petri. It sounds as if she is throwing just enough at your feet to make you beg. She starts a R talk, but then tells you how everything is your fault.....and oh yeah, she has a new f---- buddy, but then adds she has been wondering if she should consider give the M another shot? Well, I know what my answer would be, but you have to do what you feel is right is for you.
I think as long as you grab at the straws she throws out there, the less chance you'll ever have in R the MR. Besides, what would you have if you got her back? This makes you look too needy, too desperate, too eager. It's time you stopped agreeing to take left-overs. Learn to say, "No thanks", and you will discover how quickly she makes up her mind in what she really wants. Strange how that works! If she believes you are finished with her.......I think she'll pursue you. Of course, she'll have to try playing games at first, but when she sees you won't go along with it, she'll get serious.
TxHubby put up with his WW's unfaithfulness and pseudo reconciliation, while he rotted away in limbo. He saw no changes in her, until he was fed up and no longer cared what she did. He was finished. She begged him not to leave her. Last I heard, he was holding her feet to the fire. It took him a long time before he had the courage to let her go, but once he did......she went crawling to him.
Now, you won't get this advice from DB counselors. This is strictly my opinion. I'm not going to fall out with you if you don't follow it. I'm telling you what would have yanked me back into gear if my H would have done what I'm suggesting. From what I've read from other WW's, they agree. As long as the H jumps whenever the WW says "frog"........he will do a lot of hopping around, but he won't get very far with her.
When I suggested dumping her, I don't mean you tell her that's what you are doing. Your attitude shows her you are through with her game playing. Your actions show that you have a life apart from her. She doesn't see you caring, or torn up b/c she's toying with your feelings. You don't give her that chance. As far as you know.....she fell off the planet, and you are moving forward. Don't think she won't hear about how happy you are in your new life. Don't think little birds won't tell her how much you've changed and how some lady would be lucky to have you. It's attitude and actions. Stop with having talks, b/c it does not work.
Don't be mean or hateful, but you should decline her offers or suggestions of MC. You don't make threats, or blow off steam, lecture her, blame, or any of your usual coping techniques that fail. You simply stop showing any interest in her. You don't care about her men, her decisions, her behavior, or her life..........as far as she knows. Just let her go. My words are...."dump her". When you are truly emotionally detached, she'll know b/c she will feel it. So start detaching, for real.
Am I trying to get you divorced? No, not as long as you want to stay M. I am telling you what works from the viewpoint of a former WW.
Stay strong, Petri. ((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
